Forum Replies Created
The following may be distressing to you, so please read it when you are prepared. You can choose to not read it at all.
Anita, it is okay, really. I am not afraid of communication here. Moreover, I know, that by writing here I cannot include everything and it depends on the reader to perceive things as this or that. This one time someone read my post and replied I need to get rid of a person in my life. Whereas it might be a good decision, there is no way someone would get the full picture based on my posts here and no way I will break up with someone over a reply post of someone who did not even bother to answer my request to elaborate. (not this post but the other one I started)
I am a grown up and I am responsible for my own decisions so no need to be worried.
seems like your mother does not wish for you to be capable and powerful/ resourceful because that would make her feel inferior to you, and envious of you. So to please her, to make her better, you.. pretend to be incapable, powerless and inferior, like her.
Yes, probably that is correct.
You knew and still, you know that this is what she wants from you and you feel too guilty to take (that role) away from her…?
I think so.
Last week she asked me whether I work for american managers. I said yes, those are my managers. I saw something weird in her eyes.. admire perhaps, but different, mixed with.. envy, I think. Immediately she changed subject like she got scared of her own thoughts or..getting deeper into the subject.
But I don’t understand. She would like to brag about my success, money etc in front of other people. But she’s afraid of it somehow.
meaning that if you behaved as a capable woman with power to shape circumstances, she would .. break? How..???
as I wrote, she would feel inferior to someone who is powerful.
good learning! to apply!
I googled today, by the way, overcoming learned helplessness: there are books on the topic, one of which is “Understanding and Overcoming Learned Helplessness“. Maybe such will help you.
(I didn’t recommend any particular book on overcoming learned helplessness because I didn’t read any. I was thinking out loud that maybe reading such will help you).
I have found a book titled “Understanding and Overcoming Learned Helplessness“. So I assume this is just a coincidence and you did not recommend this particular one?
I wonder if part of you, a part that is the very young girl in you, feels that if you become more capable, like other people, you will be betraying your mother, moving to the other people side of the world, leaving your mother all alone in the incapable side of the world, so to speak, and/ or that you will lose her love, and therefore, you will be all alone.
I am not convinced this is my case but there are I have to “pretend” to be incapable because otherwise my mother would feel..inferior to me, so to speak. I have a feeling sometimes that she is fragile and I cannot be powerful in her presence.
We do our best thinking when calm.. and our worst when distressed, panicking and catastrophizing.
I think I did a lot of calm thinking over past days. It showed me that I always need more time to make a decision, that’s what I learned for the future.
Anita, I will respond more tomorrow but this one:
if you refuse this job, I will not be surprised if you find yourself in the afternoons focusing on negatives (the lot of good sides in this job that you missed), overthinking it and feeling badly.
that’s a very good point.
Anita, thank you for recommending a book. I like reading, not so much selft help books but I’ll look for this one and start reading perhaps.
When you have a core belief that you are not capable enough to deal with life, everything is more difficult, including looking for a job and accepting a job.. unless the job is absolutely perfect, with no negatives, which is never the case, is it?
Yes, that is very true. I find everything more difficult because I think I am less capable in life than other people. I know my mother used to/still is this way, she does not believe in herself, thinks simple tasks are too much for her, whereas other people can do it with no problem because they are…more capable. Seems like I learned that from her. She always worries how I handle things, maybe part of her really cares and is worried but part of her probably think I cannot deal with some things because I am like her.
I would like to change that. I already accomplished more than she ever did and I did it without help of family or other people.
And yes I focus on negatives a lot. There are a lot of good sides in this job offer: more money, learning new things, being part of the team, doing something that I would be rewarded for just by being in this team as they are already successful. And Theres this bad side which is late hours and all I can think about it this one. Its a huge disadvantage, yes. But I catastrophize it.
if you evaluate the positives and negatives with a calm, resourceful mental attitude, you will do better than otherwise.
I am doing this, trying to be peaceful about it. I feel better today that two days ago. I will give myself another day to get familiar with this idea.
I’m very glad to make you feel that way!
Anita, thank you for rereading my post. I know it can be exhausting here on the forum (I read some of the posts) and I assume you must be very attentive to do it. I appreciate that and you taking the time to do it, the fact that you care.
I know you may not be aware of this (or maybe you are) that some of posts here, mine at least, are really desperate and emotional.. and your simple yet wise explanations provide.. calmness. It may be temporary and problems obviously don’t disappear but… aren’t the problems sometimes just our state of mind, our reaction to situations? it’s bigger than the problem itself sometimes. So for that I thank you. It’s like killing the panic, the inflammation. Doesn’t cure anything, does not have that power but provides calmness, allows to stop, rest and give power to handle things.
I will take some time to think it over, what you just wrote and will respond in the evening or tomorrow during the day.
But my question is, Is it something you noticed and wanted to point out (which is very correct btw) or does this apply to my current situation with changing jobs?
Notice you used the word trap in context of your workplace back then. Fast forward a year, you shared about another trap, one you are currently afraid to fall into. This one is also in the context of work. I wrote to you only yesterday: “visualizing the job, you felt trapped,
Yes, I do feel trapped a lot and it’s because I feel trapped, meaning a situation I got myself into or someone else got me into and it’s not up to me to resolve it. Only way is to feel frozen (like when he confronted me and accused me of not texting him etc – I didn’t stand up for myself) or to run (like I did – ended this relationship which was good but I did it without a fight, without asserting myself – except for something I told him at the end, the why I want this to end. But this was safe, I knew he would just accept it. I did not have the courage to say it while we were still “friends” in the middle of this argument).
You didn’t assert yourself, didn’t initiate active solutions to the problem, but instead, you displayed Learned Helplessness.
People that struggle with learned helplessness tend to complain a lot, feeling overwhelmed and incapable”.
I think that applies to my life a lot. Maybe it the past it was more and now less and less with time but still.
whenever I found myself in a problematic situation, I froze, didn’t feel capable of solving problems, catastrophized the situation, kept my growing stress inside for as long as I was able to endure it, felt like a trapped animal, getting more and more stressed and then, way too stressed to endure it any longer, I either exploded or I just RAN, left, was gone.
it is similar with me.
Do you think that the term learned helplessness applies to your life experience?
Yes I think so. I am aware of this most of the times and try to change the situations more often, meaning confront people, speak up. I really do this a lot more than in the past. I used to put up with lots of toxic situations and relationships in high school and college. I used to have a friend who bullied me, used me for money, copied my clothes, was jealous of me and I fought of her attention. Now I see more such behaviors and wouldn’t allow it. But yes, I still find myself in such situations like with my ex-friend/coworker, who also used me as a shoulder to cry on and “an audience” to make speeches to. But this time I felt discomfort and could not put up with this, not for that long at least.
But still it is problem for me when I am in uncomfortable situation and do not realize it until it gets really bad.
How do I know that THIS is what I want?* ( in second sentence)
I keep thinking about it..how to make a decision? How do I that THIS is what I want?
How do I know whether the excitement or the panic is the right emotion here that I can trust?
It very very hard for me, and it’s not the first time.
Waiting for your reply Anita, thank you for your (simple and wise) input so far, I really appreciate it.
Glad you are back on the forum!
It’s not that simple I am afraid.. If it was I would do it long time ago. I searched for a job but did not find anything good for me and also..I am a bit scared of leaving the company.. starting new again. It’s too risky for me right now, I do not have family support at least financially.
I know no one will make this decision for me*
You make it so easy. What if it’s not? What if I’ll be exhausted, will miss the life I had and feel trapped? Not in this job but in those… late hours…
“Do you think I see it way worse than it would be?“- yes, I do.
“Is it not that bad as I imagine it?“- no, it is not as bad as you imagine it. In a calm, positive state of mind, you will be able to imagine it differently: seeing opportunities and possibilities you didn’t see when panicking.
I know you’re probably.. most surely… right. It can’t be that catastrophic. I tend to be like that.
I know will make this decision for me. I know you or any other person here can’t tell me “yes, take this job” because no one knows if it’s good or not. But you know the reason for my thinking, for my panicking.