Hi Anita,

I did not want to come back here for some time but today I thought I would check whether you responded, and how you responded. I appreciate you responding this way and apologizing. And understanding my feelings. It was a difficult time for me and this communication helped in some way but also did not help in some way. I think I will come back but I will take a break for now. And please don’t feel bad, it’s okay. I think I am better and my girlfriend also made some changes, but not only – I AM more active and responsive to avoid situations when I agree to things I don’t want to do.

Anita,

I thought it would be clear but I will just copy this in case you want to read. It’s from my other thread ” I changed jobs/feeling scared” where you wrote: “Dear Caroline:

Yesterday, Sunday at 1:54 pm (my time) I submitted a post to you ending with: “After you do a little research emotion regulation skills (part of DBT), CBT, and assertiveness skills, let me know what you think about what you read and we can talk about it further.“.  At 2:42 pm, you submitted this post: “Okay, reading about this right now, Anita.”

TWELVE MINUTES LATER, at 2:54 pm, you submitted this post: “Anita, it sounds really good. But I wonder if it’s easy to find a quality therapist. I may need to ask on fb pages or do some research“, and EIGHT MINUTES LATER, at 3:02 pm, you submitted this post: “I found interesting article on assertiveness. There are some exercises and examples how to talk to people. I don’t know if I can do this.. I would like to. But I also feel exhausted. And I am trying since last year. I thought I changed so much already. Why is it so hard.“.

Back to what I suggested to you: I suggested that you do a little research on “emotion regulation skills (part of DBT), CBT and assertiveness skills“, and after your little research, I asked that you will let me know what you think about these three topics.

By little research, I didn’t mean a total of twenty minutes which included you typing the last 2 posts. Maybe you rushed so much because you were anxious and exhausted. You have to be calm enough to be able to patiently read and process information. ”

I hope this explains why I feel overwhelmed and discouraged.

Do you agree with the above, Caroline?

Anita, you summarized what we talked about in this thread so how can I not agree with this? I am not sure though if it’s all correct, I am a bit confused right now.

Anita,

We already bought the tickets.

Anita, do I read correctly that you got a bit irritated with me?

That seems reasonable. I should have said that. Instead I just agreed on vacation I am not excited about. Again.

Anita, it sounds really good. But I wonder if it’s easy to find a quality therapist. I may need to ask on fb pages or do some research.

next time you notice that you went quiet because you don’t want to do something she wants to do, say in a normal tone: I don’t want to do this.

Ok. But what if I can’t say what I want? I couldn’t say because I did not know anymore. I thought we would go to one place we agreed and it turned out she was all over picking places and I just couldn’t follow. I think I needed time to decide.

I will try to just say that I don’t want to do something next time.

Now I know I agreed to this city she picked but I can’t help thinking: Am I again doing something she picked? I think I kind of am. But I won’t say anything anymore because she tried and she asked and I couldn’t say. And I said okay it’s the best choice. Now I keep thinking I did this again to myself and I won’t enjoy this trip because again it was something she wants to do.

(1) try guided meditations during today and before going to sleep, will you?

Ok, I will do this today. In what way is it going to help?

(2) Therapy with a good therapist will be best.

It’s going to be difficult but I was thinking about this before so probably should looking for someone.

(3) research emotion regulation skills, (part of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DBT) and CBT, consider buying a book and a workbook on each of these topics, and see how it works for you.

Okay. Thank you Anita.