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My girlfriend is mean to me

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  • #419547
    Caroline
    Participant

    I noticed my girlfriend is mean to me recently. I think it started when she got a new job, over a year ago. Perhaps she became more confident of herself, I don’t know.. She has this pet name for me, it’s made of my surname, it was supposted to be a joke at first but she uses it all the time now, even in front of other people and to me it sounds like a joke, like making a joke out of me. It was funny maybe at first but not anymore. Every time I ask her polite question, anything, she responds with this mocking tone. Like wtf am I even saying. I feel stupid very often. I try to understand where is it coming from, maybe I offend her in some way and she feels the need to talk to me like that. But I think I am very nice to her, too nice even. When she is rude I say nothing or respond in a nice way – it may be the reason why she is like that. Because I allow it. When I order sushi she often mocks me that I am high maintenance etc. It may sound silly but it’s sad when she is always like that. She is rarely nice to me. Sometimes I think she treats me like I am her younger brother or sister.

    I don’t know how to fix it now. I feel really depressed, I feel like I do not want to be in this relationship anymore. Makes me really depressed and sad that this is happening. How can I change it? What can I do for her to respect me more?

    #419548
    Caroline
    Participant

    Couple of days ago she said she would go to the movies with me for the movie I like and I was shocked.. And now realized why I was so shocked. Because she rarely does things like that. A week ago I said I wanted to watch tv show and she was also very mean saying I talk her into tv shows, and told me not to do it, etc and then she turned on this tv show and I was so…happy and started saying how I loved her etc. And I think how weird this was. It wasn’t such a big deal but I was so happy that she agreed to watch this tv show with me. I feel like I get crumbs and I am satisfied with it, it’s so sad.

    #419557
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Caroline

    I’m sorry to hear that your gf is being mean to you.

    Your gf sounds very comfortable “expressing herself” to put it politely. I’m curious how she reacts when you express your concerns?

    On one hand you can say she gets away with the behaviour because you allow it. Her behaviour is definitely not your fault though. Someone who is kind would never be mean “because someone allows it”. The responsibility falls on your gf to moderate her own behaviour.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏

    #419558
    Helcat
    Participant

    You deserve so much more than someone who baretolerates watching a tv show with you!

    #419560
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline

    happy to hear from you again!

    I am sorry your girlfriend isn’t respecting you and mocks you and belittles you often, even in front of other people.

    Have you ever told her how that makes you feel?

    I don’t know how to fix it now. I feel really depressed, I feel like I do not want to be in this relationship anymore. Makes me really depressed and sad that this is happening. How can I change it? What can I do for her to respect me more?

    I think you should talk to her and express how you feel about it. Tell her that it hurts you when she speaks to you in a mocking tone. That you feel disrespected and unloved when she treats you like that.

    I feel stupid very often.

    When she speaks rudely to you and mocks you, do you start questioning yourself and believing that you’re stupid? I am asking because you said you’ve been shamed a lot as a child, so I wonder if that shame is still lingering, making you feel bad about yourself and not good enough?

    If so, that could be one of the reasons why you never stand up for yourself, but always stay silent, or even talk to her nicely, even if she is rude (I think I am very nice to her, too nice even. When she is rude I say nothing or respond in a nice way).

     

    #419561
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello Helcat. Thank you for responding.

    Yes, she indeed has no… inhibition to express all her emotions. Mostly as if she didn’t care about anything else.

    #419562
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    I once told her that I don’t like this name calling, and she said “it’s nice name and many people would like that”. And that’s how our conversation ended. She still does it.

    Couple of days ago she called me some ugly name, different one and she saw I was sad and apologized. She said “I am sorry I am mean to you” – as if she realized it.

    But next day she was back into old name calling and being ..rough.

    I think you should talk to her and express how you feel about it. Tell her that it hurts you when she speaks to you in a mocking tone. That you feel disrespected and unloved when she treats you like that.

    I will tell her and try to talk to her over the weekend.

    When she speaks rudely to you and mocks you, do you start questioning yourself and believing that you’re stupid? I am asking because you said you’ve been shamed a lot as a child, so I wonder if that shame is still lingering, making you feel bad about yourself and not good enough?

    Yes.

    I will try to stand up for myself more, but I think all I can do is be a victim. It’s difficult.

     

     

    #419563
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    I once told her that I don’t like this name calling, and she said “it’s nice name and many people would like that”. And that’s how our conversation ended. She still does it.

    She invalidated your feelings, telling you you should like something when you don’t. That’s a form of emotional abuse, actually, when someone invalidates our feelings. Next time try telling her something like “please don’t call me like that again, I don’t like it. I’d appreciate if you respected how I feel about it.”

    I will try to stand up for myself more, but I think all I can do is be a victim. It’s difficult.

    It seems like an old pattern: feeling helpless in face of bullying, and then either staying silent, or trying to placate the bully (the fawn response, which we’ve talked about). You have the ability to take your power back, Caroline. You don’t have to endure bullying any more. You are an adult, and you can choose what you want to have in your life, and what you want to eliminate.

     

    #419564
    Caroline
    Participant

    Thank you Tee.

    She invalidated your feelings, telling you you should like something when you don’t. That’s a form of emotional abuse, actually, when someone invalidates our feelings. Next time try telling her something like “please don’t call me like that again, I don’t like it. I’d appreciate if you respected how I feel about it.”

    I will talk to her. I realized many things in which she disrespected me and how she changed recently. How much anger she has in herself. I sometimes think I do not want to spend time with her because I don’t like it.

    She does this often – I like something or want something like new furniture or new tv, or just order sushi – she always says “Why do you need it?”, “No, stop it”,  “don’t”,  and I …. stop it. I listen to her. I never realized that how often I do this.

    It seems like an old pattern: feeling helpless in face of bullying, and then either staying silent, or trying to placate the bully (the fawn response

    Yes.

    You have the ability to take your power back, Caroline. You don’t have to endure bullying any more. You are an adult, and you can choose what you want to have in your life, and what you want to eliminate.

    That’s true. I am and I can. I hope I can do this.

    #419565
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    you are welcome!

    I will talk to her.

    Good, you do that!

    I realized many things in which she disrespected me and how she changed recently. How much anger she has in herself. I sometimes think I do not want to spend time with her because I don’t like it.

    Sure, you don’t need to be her punching bag, or her doormat. If she is angry about something, she shouldn’t take it out on you. I mean, you can encourage her to talk about her problems, if she wants to, but you don’t need to tolerate if she is taking her anger out on you.

    She does this often – I like something or want something like new furniture or new tv, or just order sushi – she always says “Why do you need it?”, “No, stop it”, “don’t”, and I …. stop it. I listen to her. I never realized that how often I do this.

    This sounds like trying to control you. Maybe she has some fear about money, or perhaps believes she doesn’t deserve better things. And then she is projecting it at you and trying to stop you from getting yourself better, nicer things. You don’t need to allow that either. If you have your own money and your own apartment, you should be able to decide if you want new furniture, not to mention if you want sushi or not.

    That’s true. I am and I can. I hope I can do this.

    Yes, you can do it, I know it from our previous discussions. You dealt with that bully “friend” of yours pretty successfully too. You are strong enough, Caroline!

     

    #419566
    Caroline
    Participant

    Thank you Tee. I feel really depressed knowing how many people treated me like this. I am afraid no one would ever respect me because people know they can bully me.

    If she is angry about something, she shouldn’t take it out on you. I mean, you can encourage her to talk about her problems, if she wants to, but you don’t need to tolerate if she is taking her anger out on you.

    He dog died over a year ago and she also started to listen to very aggressive heavy metal music. She has changed a lot. I heard she screams at the cat, for no reason, calling him names. Just because he is sitting somewhere etc. She got really weird. I didn’t realize until recently that I am one of her doormats too.

    This sounds like trying to control you. Maybe she has some fear about money, or perhaps believes she doesn’t deserve better things.

    She spends a lot on her own cds, movies, music devices etc.  Really a lot. She bought 3 expensive concert tickets but says we cannot afford vacation. And then she jokes about me buying sushi like I am a high maintenance. I don’t understand. Why am I in this situation, why couldn’t I see it.

    If you have your own money and your own apartment, you should be able to decide if you want new furniture, not to mention if you want sushi or not.

    I know how silly it sounds that I need this kind of validation, because I don’t know it myself. It’s so sad.

    Yes, you can do it, I know it from our previous discussions. You dealt with that bully “friend” of yours pretty successfully too. You are strong enough, Caroline!

    Thank you. I hope I can resolve it somehow. I hope she will stop bullying me but I am afraid she kind of.. got used to it already. As I mentioned she apologized and then she continued doing the same. I think she doesn’t really notice it anymore, it’s how she communicates with me.

    #419567
    Caroline
    Participant

    I feel really anxious and depressed.I could not sleep at night. I hate this life. Sorry if this is too much. I coped with so many similar situations already and seems like I have no one. No one who respects me anymore.

    #419569
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    I feel really anxious and depressed.I could not sleep at night. I hate this life. Sorry if this is too much. I coped with so many similar situations already and seems like I have no one. No one who respects me anymore.

    I am sorry this feels so heavy on you suddenly. I guess you really don’t want to tolerate disrespect and abuse any more, which you have been doing for much of your life. You want to do something about it, but at the same time, it feels overwhelming. I totally get it.

    You are so worthy of love and respect, Caroline, it’s just that you might have surrounded yourself with people who don’t respect you enough, or you have tolerated their poor treatment, and it kind of got out of hand.

    You have followed the same old pattern from your childhood. I think it’s called learned helplessness – you believe you’re helpless in face of people treating you badly. You feel paralyzed to do anything. You feel like a victim. That’s your inner child who is scared. But you have the adult part who is strong and capable, and can protect both yourself and your inner child.

    So now it’s time to activate that adult part. However, you don’t need to do everything at once. You don’t need to tell your girlfriend everything that bothers you about her, and end up breaking up with her. You don’t need to cut off relationships with people all of a sudden.

    You can express one little thing for starters, e.g. that you prefer not to be called a certain name. Or when your girlfriend tells you you are high maintenance for ordering sushi, you just laugh at it and order it anyway.

    So start with something small, start setting boundaries in small things. And then see how people react to it. Does this seem  doable?

     

    #419573
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    I feel really depressed knowing how many people treated me like this. I am afraid no one would ever respect me because people know they can bully me.

    I hope she will stop bullying me but I am afraid she kind of.. got used to it already. As I mentioned she apologized and then she continued doing the same. I think she doesn’t really notice it anymore, it’s how she communicates with me.

    Maybe people got used to bullying you, but as you start setting boundaries, they will learn to treat you differently. Those who don’t want to treat you with respect aren’t worthy to stay in your life anyway. You can definitely change your attitude and stop being a doormat and a people pleaser. You are allowed to change and stand up for yourself.

    He dog died over a year ago and she also started to listen to very aggressive heavy metal music. She has changed a lot. I heard she screams at the cat, for no reason, calling him names. Just because he is sitting somewhere etc. She got really weird. I didn’t realize until recently that I am one of her doormats too.

    It does seem she changed and became more angry around a year ago. Is that when she found a new job? Do you ever talk with her about her emotions, about what’s happening at her job etc?

    She spends a lot on her own cds, movies, music devices etc. Really a lot. She bought 3 expensive concert tickets but says we cannot afford vacation. And then she jokes about me buying sushi like I am a high maintenance.

    It does seem like a double standard. She is spending money on herself as she pleases, and at the same time telling you you need to save and that ordering sushi is extravagant. That seems rather selfish. I mean, even if she is just joking about sushi, it does seem she has different standards for you and for herself, when it comes to spending money.

    And also, when she says you are “high maintenance” – is she implying that she is supporting you financially? As if you don’t have your own money…

     

    #419699
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    I guess you really don’t want to tolerate disrespect and abuse any more, which you have been doing for much of your life. You want to do something about it, but at the same time, it feels overwhelming. I totally get it.

    That’s true.It got so heavy suddenly when I realized how much I listen to other people, how they impact my decisions, my life. Things I buy, I eat etc. It’s so easy for people to manipulate me.

    you might have surrounded yourself with people who don’t respect you enough, or you have tolerated their poor treatment, and it kind of got out of hand.

    I texted her yesterday, she asked why I am so sad. I said about this name calling and being rude. She said she was sorry and that I should have told her because she didn’t know. So she obviously doesn’t remember I already told her this once. Not sure if she said sorry about this pet name only or overall being rude. We are going to meet today, I’ll see how that goes.

    I realized she tells me to do or not to do things all the time, and the reason might be that I ask her about everything. While we are shopping I ask her “should we buy this” “maybe I will buy this” and she almost always says “No, don’t”. “You can’t afford it” “Why do you need this” and it’s always on grocery shopping that she cares about spending too much money (my money buying my things – and I have my own money). When it comes to buying cds online or expensive things for herself she doesn’t have that much problem. I really must stop asking her, I have to just take things I want, with no asking, no waiting for reassurance. Maybe I am the problem that I lack confidence and I ask her everything. So she became so bossy because I have no opinion of my own.

    But you have the adult part who is strong and capable, and can protect both yourself and your inner child.

    Thank you. Yes, I believe I can.

    You don’t need to tell your girlfriend everything that bothers you about her, and end up breaking up with her. You don’t need to cut off relationships with people all of a sudden.

    I got so angry suddenly and I really wanted to break up with her. It got so overwhelming and disappointing. That I let that happen and it hurts me, It’s like I can’t take this anymore.

    start with something small, start setting boundaries in small things. And then see how people react to it. Does this seem  doable?

    Yes, I think so. I will pay more  attention to what people tell me to do and start responding to it.

    but as you start setting boundaries, they will learn to treat you differently. Those who don’t want to treat you with respect aren’t worthy to stay in your life anyway. You can definitely change your attitude and stop being a doormat and a people pleaser. You are allowed to change and stand up for yourself.

    Thank you for this. I believe I can change it.

    Is that when she found a new job? Do you ever talk with her about her emotions, about what’s happening at her job etc?

    We rarely talk about this. I think it got worse when she lost her dog and did not process those emotions. She yells at the cat and it’s for no reason, it’s stupid really. I know it’s because of the dog. And the new job perhaps, she gets angry, anxious, I think this job stresses her out but also gave her confidence that she earns money and works in this environment, she became more presumptuous.

    it does seem she has different standards for you and for herself, when it comes to spending money.

    Yes, and why is that? I don’t understand.

    is she implying that she is supporting you financially? As if you don’t have your own money…

    I got a small debt for past two years and sometimes she payed for groceries when I didn’t have that much money left, but it’s not like she was supporting me. It was like once a month she would pay, I usually gave her back after payday. Maybe she felt like she was supporting me. I think maybe it’s the pattern at her home: her mother doesn’t work and she spends too much, she buys things she doesn’t need for kitchen, plates, glasses, clocks, all kinds of necessary things and she pays for this from her husband’s money. And I noticed while we were visiting them that he sometimes jokes about her, it’s very similar. So it’s like this: she spends a lot of money for stupid things and he jokes about her, sometimes it’s rude. But she uses his money so she doesn’t really…stand up for herself. I think it’s ok for her in a way, she doesn’t mind.

    So my girlfriend kind of projects this on me, I think. I once asked her why she is so mean while grocery shopping and she once told me she used to shop with her mother and she would go around the shop for hours choosing stupid and unnecessary things to buy.

    But I earn my own money! no one is supporting me ..If she in fact thought she was supporting me because she payed for groceries COUPLE OF TIMES and she thought she has the right to mock me and tell me what I can buy… then I think I should not let her buy me anything anymore.

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