“The word fraud means to deceive someone: to intentionally present yourself not as you are, so to deceive someone. Being afraid of being seen as boring… how is it connected to fraud?”

When I am around my colleagues I pretend to be energetic and fun. The girl I work with, she is younger and very optimistic, she talks a lot.  I think I may seem boring and dull compared to her/them. Every time she calls me (we work in home office so the  only contact is chat or calls) I prepare myself to sound happy when in reality I am very calm. She even said to me “You do not talk much” when both of them do… Unfortunately I often do not have ideas on what to say.

One time I called the guy we work with and he also seemed very calm while not in a group of people. But he has interesting stories to tell, he has experience, travelled… She, on the other hand, played in a band, lives near mountains so she shows us beautiful pictures.

I worry they will see I do not have much to offer.

Anita, I wanted to say I was thinking a lot about our talks lately and that I am very grateful we have those here. Again thank you for this and for reaching out.

you don’t have to be very careful here: you can type your words for me without much care because I will not punish you for wrong wording.

That is very kind. Of course, I would never think you would be angry or disappointed with my bad wording, yet I do not want to seem like I miss any of your valuable thoughts.

hating yourself is not kind. Whenever you feel hate for yourself, turn to empathy.

I still fail to be kind to myself. I think about that you wrote and then I forget to use it in life. Still thinking about myself as a fraud. I think I need time.

I feel less passive in general, though, more grounded. Learning to have my opinion, to be critical.

How are you, Anita?

Tee,

thanks for explaining, good to know it happens here 🙂

You go to work every day, which is productive… don’t count that as nothing

You are right!

Thank you for responding, good to hear from you.

Take care 🙂

Anita,

Dear Caroline:

 When you encounter certain distressing real life circumstances, the old thinking will automatically return. You will have to repeat the new perspective and new thinking until these become your new habit.

Understood. I need to practice new way of thinking and responding. I already behaved in non-passive way several times, maybe it’s not a lot but I know something has changed in me. I want to be more brave.

Today my coworker told me that yesterday there was an argument and an outburst of anger of the abusive person in our team, the ex-friend of mine. The other girl who works here says it is becoming a problem and that “he would destroy everyone and he is a sociopath”. I know that on our next weekly meeting he will “perform” as usual (talk in specific way – like an actor, show off, laugh at people, curse – he would usually talk like that for 40minutes while we all listen) and it is becoming a problem indeed that we all passively listen and allow this – along with our manager (he is passive too).

I know I probably won’t win this… or maybe I should believe I will. Already a couple of people left this job because of his behavior. None of us have an option of a new job yet. I want to call him out and stop his “showing off”, do something, stop being passive – because passive means accepting.

 I know that you deserve kindness!

Thank you, Anita. It changed a lot since I allow myself to feel that I feel, to rest, even if that means watching low quality tv shows. I noticed since I do not pressure myself to do something creative, I have more pleasure spending the day whichever way I choose.

Tee,

Yes, it does help with grounding. The more grounded you are, the less chance that your nervous system will go automatically into dissociation. It’s like creating new neural pathways, which enable you to stay more present… Anyway, try it and let us know how it went…

I have not had a lot of time to spend in the nature this week but I am planning to do it tomorrow: to go to the park, take some pictures and rest.

Sometimes you’ll feel great about yourself, the next day you’ll feel like you’re back in the old patterns. Throughout it all, it’s important that you have compassion for yourself and are patient with yourself. If you haven’t succeeded to respond the way you wanted today, you can try again next time. Patience, self-compassion and taking small steps… I think those are key to progress.

Great point. I will remember that. Being kind to myself.

don’t be harsh on yourself if you sometimes end up binge watching on those TV shows… What you can do is you might limit the time you spend watching those shows, say instead of the entire afternoon and evening, you tell yourself that you’ll spend max 2 hours in front of the TV. So you make a compromise with yourself: a little bit of your favorite TV show, and a little bit of something else, which is a healthier/more nurturing type of relaxation. So no one loses and everyone wins

I am trying to put it into practice. Unfortunately I ended up not doing anything productive this week but I what I did is took a bike few times to go to the supermarket and thus spent some active quality time, so..  I am working on it.

Anita,

Good to hear from you. I am sorry I took more time to respond.

The people-pleasing, submissive person is not the real you, it is how you adjusted the real you so to manage certain unfortunate circumstances. Being assertive and valuing yourself is the real you.

I want to and I do believe that.

(1) “they seem and look like important people“- imagine these important/ superior looking people in situations that they really experience every day, situations where they don’t look or sound… or feel superior, such as when they suffer from intestinal gas or when they step on the scale and can’t see their feet, (2) “thinking I was incompetent“- think about the important-looking people in the meeting: they are currently incompetent in some ways, and in all the ways they are now competent, they used to be incompetent.

What I did right above is correcting limited or distorted thinking so to make it more balanced and true to reality.

Thank you Anita, I think I see this more clearly that I assume a lot and it’s wrong. One time my colleague mentioned that those “important people” (sorry I call them like that, just I prefer to not use their work titles or names) said something about me on another meeting that I was doing this project and it sounded like they almost… did not care to comment on me personally, just mentioned some information I sent them. I think I really do assume too much, that people judge or comment on me, my personality when in fact most of the time they do not focus on that. I am learning to see it more clearly now and to remember this more often.

Everyday I am learning to unfreeze. Yesterday on the meeting someone accused me of not sending something and I right away said that I did, and that my version is somewhere in the e-mail. I repeated that again 3 times, did not argue but politely defended myself in response to what they “accused me” of. Normally I would just sit quiet and not respond, silently agreeing even if someone would not tell the truth. But this time I was really trying to analyze what was going on, that someone is trying to convince me of something and I wanted to not be passive, to not freeze. It is difficult and may sound weird but this is what I am learning now. It is not going fantastic but I am trying.

I still have those days (like today) when I just spend all day watching trashy tv shows, or youtube channels, just wasting my time. I think it’s part of the freeze response. After I have stressful day I usually just sit on the couch until it’s late and then go to sleep, being passive, not “living” for the rest of the day. I want to fight it but it’s hard. I think this would be great obstacle – my freezing for the whole afternoon/evening which happens almost every day and I need to change that. I noticed I am not creative at all compared to other people and it is hard for me to focus on any hobby besides passive watching non quality shows or videos. Sometimes this is all I do all week after work but I am aware and want to change it.

Tee,

Congratulations on these amazing developments!

Thank you, I have still a lot to do and fix about me.

This “delay” in reaction can also be explained by disassociation. You don’t notice it immediately because you’re not fully present, you’re not fully observing what’s going on, while it is going on. Only later, in the safety of your home, you sort of “unfreeze” and start realizing what has really happened and that you might have failed to react… Do you think that this is what’s going on?

Yes, I noticed that long time ago, but did not quite understand that. Even when my ex-friend was here and he scolded me about my cancelling plans and not listening to him, my first response was that I did not know what to say, I think I did not fully comprehend what was going on. Part of things I wanted to tell him I did, but it was a week later that I thought it through, talked here on this forum to Anita and made sure what happened. So yes, that is what is happening not only in threat situations but also when talking to people with no possible threat. I am trying to remember this to stay active more and more often during the day.

Walking in nature also helps a lot in staying present and grounded. To practice being grounded during your walks, you can put your attention on your feet as they are touching the ground.

The idea is to try to engage all of your senses. If you’re alone on your walks, you can even name out loud the things that you see and the sounds that you hear. That’s how you can further strengthen the sense of being grounded and present in the here-and-now.

If this helps then I will practice that more. It gives me motivation to change my destructive daily routine, be more creative.

So good to hear this! It sure does feel good to be respected, but also to have self-respect. You are making a lot of progress on that path and I am very happy for you!

Thank you to both of you, Anita and Tee for giving your time and effort. Take care.

On Sunday I talked less*

*I mean Saturday, at the meeting of course. Sorry for mistakes.

Have a great day, Anita and Tee, if you are reading this now 🙂

Anita,

I was listening to her songs today and almost every day for the past two.. or maybe three weeks. It means a lot that you wrote this to me. “Arms Around a Memory” is also such a beautiful song. Not that many people know or listen to this artist. Makes me happy you are enjoying her songs, especially that we have never met, yet you gave me so much of your time and effort. (I am not good with words or expressing my feelings but I wanted to say just makes me happy you wrote again.)

Thinking about all that has been written in this post.

“I used to always be cautious around people, always ready to let them know… that I know that I am inferior, so that.. they’ll go easy on me, so that they won’t hurt me too much.”

– I never realized what was the reason that I always want to make people feel better about themselves. It is a constant in my life.

I gave myself time because I did not know how to respond. I was looking for solutions. But I still do not know what to say. I think I am trying to process that or shut those thoughts, because it’s too difficult for me.

“My coworkers, a guy (M) and a girl.. they know (G) used to say we were friends… I texted (M) later that day that there is no friendship anymore between me and G…. But I still worry (M) may think (G) and I will make up”- it is as if what The Superior one (G) says is.. superior to what the alleged Inferior one says, and therefore what he says is believable and powerful, and what you say.. is not believable and weak…?” – I think I made peace with that. I no longer feel guilty or dishonest. I know I told them the truth and I have no power over what he is saying in the office, IF he does say anything. (maybe he does not – I don’t know). I stay true to myself.

Thank you for explaining the dominance hierarchy in animal world. “If the threatened one does not submit, the aggressor will most often withdraw and rarely fight.” – Seems to me like a very coward thing to do (the aggressor’s behavior). I believe this is exactly what is going on between me and my ex-friend coworker. I never thought about it this way. I was afraid of him, I am realizing that every day now. Since I got out of this friendship I feel less and less influenced by him, which also means feeling less afraid.

On Saturday we had this meeting will all coworkers in pizzeria. We met at 1 PM. He texted our manager he would be 40 minutes late because… he will cycling around in the park at that time, the one he used to live nearby couple of years ago. We were all waiting for him almost an hour. He came 1:50 PM, two of coworkers got up to say hello, and then he said “no no, first I prefer to wash my hands” and left. He did not come back until 8-10 minutes later.  His behavior was so.. rude does not even describe it. I am still trying to process this. In case he wanted to talk to me or nag me I prepared a response that if he still does not understand or want me to explain further.. I will say I do not have anything more to say or offer to him. I got out of this and now I do not have to put up with this anymore. That is the point. But he did not want to talk, he did act “nice” to me sometimes though.

I am trying to be more mindful of what I do, what I see, what is going on around me. I think I have freeze reaction for the most of the time during the day, even without the possible threat. I am not sure if this is even possible but I think it might. I noticed things happen and I do not .. recognize them happening. So I started to try to be mindful, see, hear, be aware. Sometimes things happen, people say things and I do not react, do not respond. Only after couple of hours later I recall what had happened and form my opinion on that.

I want to work on not having the freeze response and not practicing the submissive- people-pleasing behaviors. To act like I am no less than others. I read some articles but mainly I am trying to be cautious of how I act in front of people, read more, listen to music more, go for long walks and be around nature. I believe I can change it. On Sunday I talked less, but I think I was more confident. I was thinking before responding, not talking fast like a child. It was weird because they do not know me that well and I could “pretend” I am some other person, not inferior to them. It is difficult. I do not want to pretend I am someone else but I cannot act like I always do. It so difficult and confusing, but I am trying everyday now.