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  • This topic has 24 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by Tee.
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  • #416126
    Caroline
    Participant

    This post may be just for the purpose of venting and organizing my thoughts. But if any of you want to respond I will be happy to read it! 🙂 I am desperate for help as it is bothering me so much!

    I am in a relationship with a girl. It has been couple of years already. I can say it is serious although we do not live together.

    7 years ago I met this other girl and fell in love immediately. Maybe it was love, maybe an obsession mixed with toxic behaviors. We did not really communicate and there were lots of misunderstandings. Even our “breakup” was a misunderstanding. She thought I cheated on her, (which I did but…I do not think we were in a relationship- it wasn’t clear and I think she may have been dating too, but not sure. But.. maybe she wasn’t.) She was into drugs. I had my own issues and trauma. But what I thought then is  that I loved her. And now after all these years I think I did love her, that this was love.

    She texted me couple of times after all this, I texted her too but it was all anger and misunderstandings. I wanted to “win” this breakup and had a new relationship, she ignored me. Now I think I should have been more mature about it and be honest.

    There were times I thought about her after break up but I quickly jumped to another relationship because I could not stand a heartbreak. It helped, I felt better, I felt for someone else, so it “cured” me. Now I am over this other, next person and thoughts about HER come back. I don’t know why. Maybe the thought and memory of being happy. This spring, happiness, love. I miss it and she was there. Maybe because I did not deal with it, I could not stand it and just forced myself to get her out of my life. It hurt too much.

    I check her instagram, her facebook too often. I still have some pictures of her and look at them.

    I am thinking about texting her. I know it’s a bad idea, no question about it. This cannot be in any way a good idea, for anyone. We will not get back together, there is no chance and I know, I think I do not want it. Is it not possible.

    But it is so obsessive, this thought of her, this fantasy of the life we could have but we never will because I am a different person, she is obviously a different person after all those years and the fantasy I am having is… only a fantasy. And I am thinking I can bring it to life by texting her, meeting her maybe. I know it would be disappointment, this cannot possibly be as fantastic as it was then. How can I get rid of this thought? Why her? I was in love couple of times, it was equally strong, but I think this one time it was really really mutual, I felt it, I knew it and saw it.

     

    #416275
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Caroline

    I suggest you watch Eckart Tolle on youtube talking about the “pain body”. This may explain in part of what is happening to you.

    Most people occasional reminisces about past relationship and what could or can be. Occasionally I bump into a ex and even though my heart flutters & I go all girlie, but after we have chatted for a while I realise that I do not really want to revisit that relationship ( the grass is always greener on the other side until you get to the other side!) Also how hurt do you think your current girlfriend would be if she found out  ( mental infidelity often comes before the physical action).

    What ever you choose to do it may help for you to learn more about your internal life and how to become aware of  thought processes and emotions and how nurture yourself so that you can bring your best to any relationship that you are in.

     

    #416284
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello Roberta,

    Thank you for the advice. I will check out the Eckart Tolle.

    I think I too, do not want to revisit this relationship. I think I am having an obsession, and she happens to be this obsession, for some reason.

    “Also how hurt do you think your current girlfriend would be if she found out” – I have no idea, to be honest. Probably she would feel hurt. But as much as I care about her feelings and do not want to hurt her, this does not help me in any way… for me to stop obsessing, unfortunately. I wish it would work like that.

    “mental infidelity often comes before the physical action)” – so does this mean it is very likely for me to cheat after “mental infidelity”?

    #416352
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    welcome back! 🙂

    What you describe as love for this girl 7 years ago seems to me more like an idea of love, an excitement you felt, strong feelings you had… but all that happened in an undefined relationship, where you didn’t even know if you were dating or you were just hooking up. Am I assuming this right?

    There was no communication (We did not really communicate and there were lots of misunderstandings), you didn’t talk about the status of your relationship and what you are to each other.

    As a result, you “cheated” on her, not knowing you were cheating, assuming she was seeing other people. And then she got hurt, and that’s how you “broke up”.

    You think what you felt for her was love (But what I thought then is that I loved her. And now after all these years I think I did love her, that this was love). Well, I believe that even if you loved her, this love wasn’t expressed as it should have been, because it was never communicated properly, and then you cheated on her.

    So if it was love, it didn’t seem like love (at least on the outside), and it was mixed with other feelings as well. You did say you had your own issues and trauma, while she was into drugs. So I can imagine it was complicated and there were lots of difficult feelings…

    This spring, happiness, love. I miss it and she was there.

    It could be that you’re not happy in your current relationship, or with your life in general. And you miss excitement, and the feeling of “love is in the air”. And this makes you daydream about her?

    So to me, it’s more like a symptom of something missing in your life and/or your relationship, rather than a sign that you should reach out to her.

    What do you think?

     

    #416354
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    Thanks for the welcoming! I have not posted in some time, that’s true.

    Wow, what you described sound very accurate to what I am feeling. Thank you so much for this!

    I knew there was something with this obsession, something not directly related to her, but still.. but not quite.

    “you didn’t even know if you were dating or you were just hooking up. Am I assuming this right?” Yes that is correct. This was so stupid.. She even told me she was in love with me, and I think I told her this too. But it was so weird, she had some issues with ex girlfriend who found out about me and our “relationship” was not longer a fairy tale, we hurt someone else and then we hurt each other. She once called me her girlfriend but I did not even react, I think I did not see this text and when I did it was couple days later.. I think this all comes back to me because it was not processed at the time. I drank and did not want to face those feelings, and now they came back.

    I know you did not say it wasn’t love, but.. do you think it wasn’t?

    “Well, I believe that even if you loved her, this love wasn’t expressed as it should have been, because it was never communicated properly, and then you cheated on her.” It made me sad to read this but..it’s true.

    It is true that something is lacking in my life right now, I am calm and things are in order but there is no romance, spontaneous meetings, happiness. It’s more like adult life. Routine. Is it bad?

    I don’t think I should look for an excitement. Maybe I am just bored and this is all wrong, my thoughts and feelings now.

    Or should I.

     

    #416357
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    you’re very welcome!

    She even told me she was in love with me, and I think I told her this too. But it was so weird, she had some issues with ex girlfriend who found out about me and our “relationship” was not longer a fairy tale, we hurt someone else and then we hurt each other.

    I see… so it could be that when her ex found out about you (and perhaps was jealous?), you felt as if you two were hurting her (“we hurt someone else”). And you felt guilty and perhaps believed you don’t deserve the “fairy tale” (was not longer a fairy tale). And you then sabotaged it by cheating on her. Could this be what happened?

    She once called me her girlfriend but I did not even react, I think I did not see this text and when I did it was couple days later..

    So it seems you disregarded that she told you she was in love with you, and that she called you her girlfriend. And it could be because the guilt was bigger – the guilt that you were hurting someone, even if that someone was her ex (and therefore mostly irrelevant for your relationship).

    I know you did not say it wasn’t love, but.. do you think it wasn’t?

    Now that I understand it a bit better, I think you did love her, but it seems your guilt was bigger and you sort of sabotaged it.

    I think this all comes back to me because it was not processed at the time. I drank and did not want to face those feelings, and now they came back.

    You’re right, I think the time has come to process it now… process what happened back then, but have compassion for yourself. Don’t blame yourself. As you said, you had a lot of issues and trauma, so have compassion for the confused and wounded self that you were back then. You can even write an apology letter to her, and then burn it, i.e. never send it. That could be a good closure…

    It is true that something is lacking in my life right now, I am calm and things are in order but there is no romance, spontaneous meetings, happiness. It’s more like adult life. Routine. Is it bad?

    Yeah, routine without any excitement is pretty bad. Try to spice things up. Perhaps once you process the feelings regarding this ex girlfriend, things might start moving within you, and perhaps some of your joy and excitement for life will come back…

     

    #416374
    Caroline
    Participant

    Tee,

    Thank you for taking the time to understand. I appreciate it. I know it’s wrong that I think about it (wrong because of my current girlfriend) but I cannot help it. I cannot switch it off and stop so I choose to process it a little bit, think it through so again thank you for your time and effort.

    “I see… so it could be that when her ex found out about you (and perhaps was jealous?), you felt as if you two were hurting her (“we hurt someone else”). And you felt guilty and perhaps believed you don’t deserve the “fairy tale” (was not longer a fairy tale). And you then sabotaged it by cheating on her. Could this be what happened?”

    Yes. First when we met it was great. It was like we found each other. It was so instant. It was so obvious and normal that this is the one. She touched my hand at the cinema and I just knew. I know it sounds so..cliche and silly but those moments are so powerful.

    Then I found out she just broke up with someone and there was some confusion, jealousy. I was also dating someone but I left this person because of HER. We both had someone who was hurt because of us, at that time. I know it sounds like very trivial and silly but it really wasn’t for me. I may have sabotaged it, I see it now. She was still jealous, suspicious, even though I told her I was single already. She tried to make me jealous, posted pictures with ex girlfriend, even though I knew she did not love her but it broke my heart seeing them because I knew they were still hanging out, I could not stand it. And I was too, hanging out with other people. Then her ex tried to hurt herself and they lived together again. I tried to text her, call her but she did not want to talk to me, said I was selfish. It got really hard to communicate. Too many things we did not talk about. I did not cheat until before our last meeting. It was someone I barely knew and did not care about. I think I wanted to stop loving her, that’s why I did it.

    I thought she cheated on me too, but seeing her reaction and how hurt she looked.. I can assume she never cheated on me.

    “Now that I understand it a bit better, I think you did love her, but it seems your guilt was bigger and you sort of sabotaged it.”

    “You’re right, I think the time has come to process it now… process what happened back then, but have compassion for yourself. Don’t blame yourself. As you said, you had a lot of issues and trauma, so have compassion for the confused and wounded self that you were back then. You can even write an apology letter to her, and then burn it, i.e. never send it. That could be a good closure…”

    Good idea. I wrote couple of words to her, did not send it. I sent it to myself on social media with a plan to send it to her, although I know I shouldn’t and probably won’t. But I really would like to do it, to talk to her, call her. I does not hurt to fantasize. Or maybe it does because it is on my mind too much. Maybe I will write some more and it will give me some closure. Writing some of it here helps me to organize my thoughts (although it seems like I am more guilty so it is not very comfortable to realize )

     

    #416375
    Caroline
    Participant

    I am a bit afraid I will text her.. I tried to do it last night and I think I will try again, it’s so tempting. I know it’s not good and I know it will stress me out.. and I won’t be able to sleep and focus once I text her, and she probably responds..  I went for a long walk to try to distract myself. Not yet sure if it worked.

    Looking forward to hear from you Tee, have a good day

    #416376
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    I want to write you a longer post later, but just wanted to say this quickly now: don’t text her, at least not until you’re clear what the intention of your reaching out is, and how it might impact your current relationship. The implications might be bigger than you want them to be.

    So try to hold back a little…. It was a good idea you took a long walk. Maybe put on some loud music and dance to it – whatever helps you to channel that extra energy and adrenaline that is now running through your system.

    Think strategically with this one, you still have plenty of time to reach out, if you decide it’s a good idea.

    #416377
    Caroline
    Participant

    Tee,

    Yes, I know, you’re right. I don’t want to do anything stupid.

    I keep telling myself, besides the fact that my feelings are real and I really loved her it’s also..an obsessive thought. And texting her will probably not fix it.

    Thank you for responding!

    🙂

    #416378
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    you’re welcome.

    Writing some of it here helps me to organize my thoughts (although it seems like I am more guilty so it is not very comfortable to realize )

    Now that you’ve written some more details of what happened, I don’t think it was only you who sabotaged it, but she had a big responsibility in it as well. She was suspicious of you and tried to make you jealous, although you said you ended your previous relationship. She was still hanging out with her ex, posting pictures of them together. And then “her ex tried to hurt herself and they lived together again. I tried to text her, call her but she did not want to talk to me, said I was selfish. It got really hard to communicate.”

    So basically, her ex blackmailed her by trying to hurt herself, and she then took her back in. And then she didn’t want to talk to you and even told you you were selfish. You were hurt, and rightly so, because she shut you out of her life and got back with her ex, without explaining what was going on. And in that hurt, you hooked up with someone else.

    So maybe it was more like revenge, you feeling hurt that she cut you off so rudely from her life? Also, you probably believed she doesn’t care about you (again, rightly so, based on her behavior), and so you didn’t care much if you hurt her either. Would that explain what happened?

    I thought she cheated on me too, but seeing her reaction and how hurt she looked.. I can assume she never cheated on me.

    Well, maybe she didn’t cheat on you, but she was living with her ex and didn’t want to communicate with you (and called you selfish for reaching out). So she wasn’t exactly showing any signs that she was interested in you or a relationship with you. So I understand why you felt bad about the situation, and then feeling hurt, you did what you did…

    I wrote couple of words to her, did not send it. I sent it to myself on social media with a plan to send it to her, although I know I shouldn’t and probably won’t. But I really would like to do it, to talk to her, call her.

    What exactly are you hoping to achieve by reaching out? Would you like to get back together with her? Or you just want some closure?

     

    #416380
    Caroline
    Participant

    Tee,

    She was living with her again but she told me they don’t have sex or anything. And they did not have in months. I believed her but.. I cannot imagine this to be true, honestly. I don’t want to accuse her though..but if that girl loved her and tried to hurt herself, wouldn’t she ever try to kiss her? It may be naive of me to believe that. I think I realized that but wanted to believe her.

    Another part is that she lost her job and had to move out, when this happened, so they both moved out to some place, I don’t know what it was.. Some family of this girl provided them a place. Maybe I was not mature enough at that time to understand that she lost her job and had no place to live, and all I wanted was explanations and I was jealous, instead of asking her to move in with me, help her in some way (me being selfish).  But I was still living with my parents. And she acted like she did not want me anymore, and she chose to take care of her ex girlfriend. I didn’t know what to do. I could not communicate well and she couldn’t either. She just stopped responding and sometimes texted me at night, random messages, for two months. Many times she was drunk, said she would meet me but never did. It was a month of misunderstandings and miscommunication. And then I cheated. And I then went to see her, we watched a movie, drank wine, had sex. It was nice. But in the morning she asked me if I hooked up with anyone else during last month, she asked it as a joke. And then I said “yes, twice”. I think I wanted her to know, I knew she asked it as a joke but I wanted to say it..to make her jealous, to revenge, I don’t know.. I think I was angry. I was happy to see her and loved her but I was really hurt and this was the way I could express it. Instead of saying how I was feeling I wanted to hurt her. And that was the end of us. We texted couple of times after that, she had some weak moments, asked me if I still loved her etc, but it felt like she was playing with me..  I could not handle it anymore and just found someone else and cut her off.

    “So maybe it was more like revenge, you feeling hurt that she cut you off so rudely from her life? Also, you probably believed she doesn’t care about you (again, rightly so, based on her behavior), and so you didn’t care much if you hurt her either. Would that explain what happened?”

    Yes. I wouldn’t explain it better! I did not understand my feelings then. I am having a hard time understanding it now. But this conversation really helped me to clear some things up.

    “What exactly are you hoping to achieve by reaching out? Would you like to get back together with her? Or you just want some closure?”

    I want to talk to her, feel what I felt at that time when I was with her.. because that was the only and the last time I felt so strongly in love. (Even though I fell in love with a guy later but it wasn’t the same)

    I don’t think I would like to get back with her, to be in relationship. I don’t want to ruin the life that I have and I don’t think she is stable.

    I want to have sex though, I have been fantasizing about this a lot and I think it would be more than just one time.

    Sorry if this is too honest or too much.

    #416381
    Caroline
    Participant

    I don’t think having an affair is an option. It would be difficult for me to meet, hide, lie.. It would be the end of my relationship, and pretty soon end, I am sure.

    I could meet her once, at my place but I know and I agree with what you wrote that “The implications might be bigger than you want them to be.” Even her being at my place would be crossing the line.

     

    #416384
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    Yes. I wouldn’t explain it better! I did not understand my feelings then. I am having a hard time understanding it now. But this conversation really helped me to clear some things up.

    I am glad this is helping you! Yes, the way you described it it does seem like you were hurt, and the fact that you admitted you hooked up with someone else twice was your way of revenge, to express your anger and hurt.

    Instead of saying how I was feeling I wanted to hurt her

    I think you’re seeing it pretty clearly now…

    She was living with her again but she told me they don’t have sex or anything. And they did not have in months. I believed her but.. I cannot imagine this to be true, honestly. I don’t want to accuse her though..but if that girl loved her and tried to hurt herself, wouldn’t she ever try to kiss her?

    It’s possible they didn’t have sex, but only lived together out of necessity. Because she lost her job and didn’t have anywhere to go. And then her ex tried to hurt herself, so she kind of got stuck with her for a while. But she could have told you that, explained things to you, rather than cut you off. You didn’t know what was going on, and so you concluded she didn’t care about you. She too was jealous, insecure about your love, playing games (posting pix with her ex), so it wasn’t a mature behavior at all. And you said she was into drugs too, so it was really messy…

    I want to talk to her, feel what I felt at that time when I was with her.. because that was the only and the last time I felt so strongly in love. (Even though I fell in love with a guy later but it wasn’t the same)

    I don’t think I would like to get back with her, to be in relationship. I don’t want to ruin the life that I have and I don’t think she is stable.

    I want to have sex though, I have been fantasizing about this a lot and I think it would be more than just one time.

    Okay, so you’d like to feel passion and excitement – something you don’t feel in your current relationship?

    Is there a way to renew passion in your current relationship? You say your relationship turned into routine (there is no romance, spontaneous meetings, happiness. It’s more like adult life. Routine). Is it because your girlfriend is not interested in romance and would maybe find it silly?

    I am putting the stress on your current relationship, because it seems there is something missing there, and you daydreaming about you ex is just a symptom. You said you never fell strongly in love with your current girlfriend… so maybe that’s something to look at?

     

    #416388
    Caroline
    Participant

    Tee,

    It’s a very good, uncomfortable at times, but good feeling to be able to understand my emotions.

    “it does seem like you were hurt, and the fact that you admitted you hooked up with someone else twice was your way of revenge, to express your anger and hurt.” This is exactly how I felt.. It gave me satisfaction to hurt her. I am very embarrassed to admit it but it’s true. And I regret it. I waited so long for her to want to meet me and when I finally did I was full of grudge towards her mixed with happy and relieved to see her. She shaved her head short before this meeting. I knew she was going through things but.. none of us helped each other. We just abandoned each other, and were as far as we could be.

    “Okay, so you’d like to feel passion and excitement – something you don’t feel in your current relationship? … Is it because your girlfriend is not interested in romance and would maybe find it silly?” – Yes, I think so. She wanted to but couple of times I did not. And now we kind of stopped doing this. And now it became more like.. making a fool of myself when I say or try anything. Maybe she thinks the same.

    “You daydreaming about you ex is just a symptom” I agree, it’s probably the reason.

    So I assume, Tee, you think nothing good would come of from texting her? I should just focus on my relationship because probably my obsession has nothing to do with my ex girlfriend..

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