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  • #416389
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    It’s a very good, uncomfortable at times, but good feeling to be able to understand my emotions.

    I am glad you now understand better what happened in the situation with your ex, and why you reacted the way you reacted…

    none of us helped each other. We just abandoned each other, and were as far as we could be.

    I think this is very true. It’s the summary of what happened… you see it very well.

    It gave me satisfaction to hurt her. I am very embarrassed to admit it but it’s true. And I regret it.

    It’s okay. It happens, we make mistakes. But it’s good you’re seeing it now. You see and understand that you loved her, but also felt hurt by her, and it caused you to hurt her back.

    If you want to process it, you can write a letter to her (my advice is still not to send it), and express all of your feelings: both love and hurt, and anger and hatred. And then apologize for hurting her, for revenging instead of admitting that you were hurt and that you needed her to care about you more.

    Yes, I think so. She wanted to but couple of times I did not. And now we kind of stopped doing this. And now it became more like.. making a fool of myself when I say or try anything. Maybe she thinks the same.

    Okay, so your girlfriend was interested in something more exciting, but you weren’t at the time. Could you initiate it this time? Give her a clue that you’re interested?

    So I assume, Tee, you think nothing good would come of from texting her? I should just focus on my relationship because probably my obsession has nothing to do with my ex girlfriend..

    I think that unless you’re prepared to face upheaval in your relationship (and possibly your life) once the cat is out of the bag… don’t reach out.

    You said you don’t want to jeopardize your relationship – that would be reason No1 why not to reach out. You also said your ex is probably not stable (still using drugs?) – that would be reason No2.

    So to go for it just to have some fun, I think it’s too big of a price to pay….

    If you do care about your current girlfriend and don’t want to jeopardize the relationship, try to introduce some fun into the relationship again. And separately process the emotions you had with your ex. At least that’s what seems to me as the best course of action…

     

    #416468
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    I will, I will write a letter, I agree it’s a good idea to process my emotions and find closure.

    For now I think I need a break, just I don’t know how to be strong enough and stop obsessing. Yesterday I found some of her pictures (I deleted all of the pictures from my laptop but I found an email that I sent to myself..with all the pictures she ever sent me, all the pictures I ever took of her and us. And I found a letter, short letter I wrote to her, but probably never sent because I sent it to myself – saying how she always forgives and takes her back (her ex) but not me. That she’s not interested in getting to know me, talking to me, fixing things, she’s just angry, jealous and emotional every time I do something wrong and she just shuts me off. Even after saying that she loved me. And that she always says how fucked up I was. I wrote this and did not sent, maybe I told her some of it, I don’t remember. It made me sad and got me thinking even more… I remember meeting her after writing this letter and we still did not communicate. There was this time she got angry because she saw me texting someone and wanted me to never talk to her again (it was 2am at night and I just got up and left without a word. She tried calling me but I was going home, crying, did not want to talk to her. After a week we met again and it was all good. I was such a victim, I let her do all this to me.)

    I think I should stop.

    I already made a decision to text her, like couple times. And then I changed my mind and didn’t.

    When I am with my girlfriend it’s ok, I forget about this for brief moments and then she goes home and I am alone with my thoughts again, with my fantasy. Today during the day I started being afraid of another night with those thoughts.Another time that I will try to text her although I see pretty clearly now why I was so hurt and so angry. She did not want to be with me because I did not have anything to offer. This ex girlfriend gave a place to live and a job, vacation in exotic countries etc. When she tried to move out (after she met me and fell in love with me) she was angry that everything is so expensive and she needs a comfortable life. I see it now how I could not give this to her, that’s why maybe she was in love but there was an issue.. and it was easy to reject me even though she had feelings for me.

    I don’t know why I am thinking about this so much. It’s so tiring, I hate those thoughts already. They are torturing me. I am alone again and it’s starting all over again. I will try to distract myself somehow.

     

     

    #416481
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    For now I think I need a break, just I don’t know how to be strong enough and stop obsessing.

    I get it, and I know how hard it can be. I think the obsession signalizes that there is a strong need in you, an unmet need, which you believe she can meet. That she can give you what you really need, fill a hole in you. Although she probably can’t, based on everything you’ve said about her. But in your mind, she is the “solution”, the means to fulfill that need, and this I think is what causes you to obsess about her.

    And I found a letter, short letter I wrote to her, but probably never sent because I sent it to myself – saying how she always forgives and takes her back (her ex) but not me. That she’s not interested in getting to know me, talking to me, fixing things, she’s just angry, jealous and emotional every time I do something wrong and she just shuts me off. Even after saying that she loved me. And that she always says how fucked up I was.

    I see… so you felt neglected by her, and also judged and criticized. She would get angry with you, she would put you down, she would blame you… and that’s the opposite of how you felt she was with her ex: compassionate and forgiving.

    You needed her to be more understanding and compassionate with you. You needed her to show interest in how you are really feeling. You needed her to show that she cares and that she is sorry if she hurt you… But you received none of that, only anger and accusations, right?

    She did not want to be with me because I did not have anything to offer. This ex girlfriend gave a place to live and a job, vacation in exotic countries etc. When she tried to move out (after she met me and fell in love with me) she was angry that everything is so expensive and she needs a comfortable life. I see it now how I could not give this to her, that’s why maybe she was in love but there was an issue.. and it was easy to reject me even though she had feelings for me.

    Right.. so it seems she depended on her ex to provide for her: to give her a job and a place to live, and also to live a comfortable life. The ex payed for expensive vacations, and perhaps even financed and approved her drug use? When you earlier said that she lost her job – was it because of the breakup with her ex (if the ex was the one who gave her the job?)

    It seems that comfortable life was very important for her, and she would have lost it, or did lose it, without her ex… and she was angry about it. She accused you of being selfish (for wanting to hear from her in that first month after you met), whereas she was the one who was selfish. Her comfortable life was more important to her than you.

    She did not want to be with me because I did not have anything to offer.

    You did have much to offer – you could have given her love. But it seems this wasn’t what she was looking for primarily. She was looking for a sponsor, as it seems to me. Sorry for being so blunt, but she doesn’t seem like a loving and caring person at all. Instead, she seems rather selfish. But somehow you believe it was your fault that you couldn’t give her what she wanted? Am I understanding this right?

    I can tell you right away – it wasn’t your fault. It could have worked between you two, had her love been sincere and if she wanted to work for that love. But instead, she was accusing you and was angry with you, rather than swallowing the bitter pill and taking responsibility for her life (and her income).

    I hope this is helping you at least a little to see that she wasn’t the dream come-true and the true love that you were/are longing for….

     

    #416483
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    I feel better today, less thinking. I am hoping it won’t come back as bad as it was last week. After talking to you and processing it a bit I can see feel it changing for the better.

    “in your mind, she is the “solution”, the means to fulfill that need, and this I think is what causes you to obsess about her.”

    This is exactly how it felt. How it still feels but changing.

    “She would get angry with you, she would put you down, she would blame you… and that’s the opposite of how you felt she was with her ex: compassionate and forgiving.”

    She probably did not love her ex but she got a place and a job. I saw comment on her fb picture once, her ex commented: “you had longer hair and was fat when I took you in”. WHEN I TOOK YOU IN. It struck me at the time. I never saw her as someone who needs to be taken care of, sponsored. Someone who is independent wouldn’t feel comfortable reading something like this. Unless it’s true. I don’t know, I just remembered it now, when I read your response today.  (She was 16 when she moved out from family home, had no place to live and how I imagine this, she met this girl and she took her in. Gave her job. She had no education except for high school. ) When I met her she was 23-24 I think. Maybe it was a dream come true for her to have someone who took her on vacations etc.

    “You needed her to show that she cares and that she is sorry if she hurt you… But you received none of that, only anger and accusations, right?”

    Yes, she was very emotional (in a bad way like ending the conversation, not letting me talk). Even when she first told me she is falling in love with me she said that she…didn’t like this feeling. That we live in different cities etc. Overall it seemed like she..loved me but was also suffering because of this feeling. Out first fight was the day she was looking for a new place and was angry about the prices, and that she cannot afford it. I remember she was in a bad mood and I wanted to understand and be supportive but it was weird.. We were so in love and suddenly this bad mood. I told her “you haven’t been very nice to me today”  and she got mad. She told me it’s about me all of the time and that I was a fucked up person. I blamed myself because I know I have some issues. I thought she just saw me the way I was.

    “The ex payed for expensive vacations, and perhaps even financed and approved her drug use?”

    Yes, probably she gave her money for drugs. She didn’t earn that much to afford it that often, to afford clothes, new iphones etc. She had a lot of money.

    When you earlier said that she lost her job – was it because of the breakup with her ex (if the ex was the one who gave her the job?

    They both worked in the same place but the ex girlfriend was kind of her supervisor. And when she tried to hurt herself she did not go to work that day and something happened (they both lost jobs or had to leave. I don’t know the details. Probably her ex was not in a mental state to continue working there) I remember two days after this she wanted to come to my place but I was at the concert, I wasn’t in town. She sounded sad and hurt.. I couldn’t talk to her and later I was at the bus all night coming back. I just wasn’t available to talk to her and I was blaming myself that she needed me and I wasn’t there because of the stupid concert. Next day she stopped talking to me and chose to stay with her (called me selfish etc) probably because her ex had some other option of having the place to live. And there was no coming back since then, no coming back to fairy tale. It was then when I started dating other people and soon cheated.

    “Her comfortable life was more important to her than you.” – my friend once told me the exact words back then. And now you are saying the same.

    “She was looking for a sponsor, as it seems to me. Sorry for being so blunt, but she doesn’t seem like a loving and caring person at all. Instead, she seems rather selfish. But somehow you believe it was your fault that you couldn’t give her what she wanted? Am I understanding this right?”

    Yes.

    “I hope this is helping you at least a little to see that she wasn’t the dream come-true and the true love that you were/are longing for….”

    It does. It does help.Thank you, Tee. I did not believe it could be fixed. I think my obsession was me feeling guilty and blaming myself for ruining the love of my life because of my fucked up personality and other issues. I can feel it is calming down a bit, I can focus more and not think about this as intense as I did last couple of days.

     

    #416484
    Caroline
    Participant

    Now thinking about this.. I think couple time she wanted to stay at my place. Not just see me as in: she missed me or something but have somewhere to stay. Of course I wanted it too, so it was no problem, but there was no option of moving in as I was living with my parents. She could stay for the night, they did not really interfere with my life and it was ok, but I knew she cannot move in. I remember feeling guilty that I can’t help her.. that I am this spoiled kid living comfortable life at my parent’s place whereas she cannot go back to her family house for some reasons and has nowhere to go.(She visited her mother couple times but they were not in good terms). I think part of me still feels guilty I could not give her that. But I also think it was not my responsibility to provide this for her. Or was it.. ? a bit, at least.

    #416505
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    I am really glad you’re feeling better and it’s not that intense and unbearable for you.

    I think my obsession was me feeling guilty and blaming myself for ruining the love of my life because of my fucked up personality and other issues.

    Yeah, and it was actually her who was blaming you and making you believe that you are a f**d up personality and selfish. And since you had your own issues, you probably believed her and blamed yourself ever since?

    She probably did not love her ex but she got a place and a job. I saw comment on her fb picture once, her ex commented: “you had longer hair and was fat when I took you in”. WHEN I TOOK YOU IN. It struck me at the time.

    Oh wow, that tells a lot! It’s so rude and demeaning to tell the person such a thing publicly, but it also tells a lot about the nature of their relationship. Your ex was young and vulnerable (and alone, not having anywhere to go) at the time. And this woman, I assume older than her, took her in and was not only her lover, but also her provider. She provided her with material stuff but also with money for drugs, which means she wasn’t really a good influence… Anyway, your ex was dependent on her, but was also using her to ensure a comfortable life for herself.

    I never saw her as someone who needs to be taken care of, sponsored.

    Maybe because she appeared to be self-confident?

    Maybe it was a dream come true for her to have someone who took her on vacations etc.

    I am sure she had emotional wounds, because leaving home at 16 probably meant she wasn’t welcome at home, or there was trouble at home. This woman maybe meant “home” for her, in a way. At least she provided for her financially. Even if maybe not emotionally…

    Even when she first told me she is falling in love with me she said that she…didn’t like this feeling. That we live in different cities etc. Overall it seemed like she..loved me but was also suffering because of this feeling.

    Yeah, it seems she didn’t like falling for you, because she knew it meant leaving behind the comfortable lifestyle, financed by her ex. Even if she didn’t love her, she provided money for drugs, and I guess drugs was her greatest “love”, unfortunately. When someone is addicted, they turn very selfish. And that’s what you too experienced from her: selfishness. And anger. She was angry that things won’t be the same any more, that she might not have enough money for drugs, or even for a place to live.

    I remember two days after this she wanted to come to my place but I was at the concert, I wasn’t in town. She sounded sad and hurt.. I couldn’t talk to her and later I was at the bus all night coming back. I just wasn’t available to talk to her and I was blaming myself that she needed me and I wasn’t there because of the stupid concert. Next day she stopped talking to me and chose to stay with her (called me selfish etc)

    Right.. her primary concern was where to stay (understandably, considering her situation). And she immediately cut contact with you when you weren’t available that evening. But you didn’t even know she would be looking for you, right? She didn’t tell you something like “I don’t have anywhere to go, can I stay at your place for a couple of nights?”

    I think couple time she wanted to stay at my place. Not just see me as in: she missed me or something but have somewhere to stay. Of course I wanted it too, so it was no problem, but there was no option of moving in as I was living with my parents. She could stay for the night, they did not really interfere with my life and it was ok, but I knew she cannot move in. I remember feeling guilty that I can’t help her.. that I am this spoiled kid living comfortable life at my parent’s place whereas she cannot go back to her family house for some reasons and has nowhere to go.(She visited her mother couple times but they were not in good terms). I think part of me still feels guilty I could not give her that. But I also think it was not my responsibility to provide this for her. Or was it.. ? a bit, at least.

    No, it wasn’t your responsibility to give her a place in your parents’ home. If there had been communication and true love between you, you could have talked about the possibility to move in together, to rent a place together. But you said you hardly communicated. She cut contact after that one night that you went to a concert and didn’t return her calls. That was enough for her to cut contact and move in with her ex. And call you selfish. Which means that at that point she was interested in you primarily as her care-taker, as the next person to rescue her. That was her primary need, not the need for your love.

    I think the greatest problem in the whole story is her drug use. It made her selfish and self-centered. As an addict, she couldn’t put you as a priority. I don’t know how severe her addiction was, but nevertheless, I think that was the biggest obstacle.

    If she were sober, she would have probably treated you differently. And your relationship would have had a healthier start, as well as a chance to survive. But like this, not really…

    So don’t blame yourself for “ruining the love of your life”, because you weren’t her No 1. It was drugs.

     

    #416517
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    I considered her out of my league back then. She was very pretty, had tattoos, piercings, looked..like a band singer or an actress. She seemed so cool to me. I was just a regular girl, maybe pretty but regular, basic. She was special. People looked at her when we were at the pub or in the cinema. She looked like someone famous. I think this is partly why I blamed myself for losing her. She seemed special. That’s why I couldn’t stop obsessing about her, I thought I lost someone very special contrary to other..”ordinary” people I knew/ dated. It’s obviously not true, not any of this.

    Today I feel such a relief. Your posts gave me a lot of confidence. I think differently about myself, about her. I no longer feel like a victim. I know she wanted to use me and chose a comfortable life. And I am OK with this. It had to be that way. There is no way it could have worked out between us. I know she thought very low of me..maybe liked me and was attracted to me but she had her own plan and needed someone very different from who I was.

    it was actually her who was blaming you and making you believe that you are a f**d up personality and selfish. And since you had your own issues, you probably believed her and blamed yourself ever since?

    Yes, She also told me how I was unfit..to life, to relationships. And that she knew I had some issues right from the start. She gave me very mixed signals, first and mostly that she was in love and I was beautiful, and I felt it.. but there was this other, dark side when she looked at me with regret. And sadness. That there is something wrong with me and it will not work. She saw me as someone she would have to take care of and that she could not “afford”…even though I did not take nor want her money, but I was still not capable enough for her..to take her in, to take care of her.

    Your ex was young and vulnerable (and alone, not having anywhere to go) at the time. And this woman, I assume older than her, took her in and was not only her lover, but also her provider.

    Her father left their family and her mother was busy with another child. There was no place for her in family home. She could only visit. And it was like that since she was 16. I don’t know where she lived when she was 16 but I assume she had to find someone who helped her and soon she met this ex girlfriend (and yes, she was older and she looked very independent and rich)

    Maybe because she appeared to be self-confident?

    Yes, very much! She looked so capable and independent. But she wasn’t in fact! She still lived with ex girlfriend and accepted her help. So she just looked independent to me because she had money and expensive stuff. I remember two times we slept in the hotel. We could meet at their place during the day when her ex wasn’t there but I couldn’t spend the night obviously (except for few times when this girl was out of town) and I payed for this hotel. I did not have that much money and was surprised she couldn’t pay even half. I think it was around this time that she knew why this is not going to work..

    She had this male friend. He was older, had a car and money too. He drove her sometimes to meet me. He was into drugs too, maybe selling her this. Very mysterious guy. My friend once told me that maybe she was sleeping with him. He was for sure in love with her. I could not see it back then.

    I guess drugs was her greatest “love”, unfortunately. When someone is addicted, they turn very selfish. And that’s what you too experienced from her: selfishness.

    Tee, It’s amazing how you see things I could not see even when I was there! And you see them just by reading my brief memories. Some of the things you see, my friend already used to tell me but I did not believe and I couldn’t see it.

    Yes I agree drugs were more important that I wanted to see. We never talked about this except when she wanted to talk me into it, very much. She even mocked how I resisted. She said I was silly, it’s not a big deal and I was acting like it’s going to hurt me or something, laughed at me. One time she told me she was selling it to someone. She wanted to make some money. She used to send me pictures when she dressed very provocative and went to a pub. It broke my heart. I think she had a life of which I had no idea. I feel like kind of a loser right now..

    her primary concern was where to stay (understandably, considering her situation). And she immediately cut contact with you when you weren’t available that evening. But you didn’t even know she would be looking for you, right? She didn’t tell you something like “I don’t have anywhere to go, can I stay at your place for a couple of nights?”

    That’s correct. We never talked about moving in together, it was always about her struggle with place but she never asked me directly. I never felt like she wanted to move in with me, lived with me because she loved me. I assume had I lived alone she would have wanted to move in with me. And I then could become…a convenient girlfriend. Someone easy to love, not “unfit”, not f**ed up personality. I feel so bad thinking like this! Could she really be that..calculated?

     She cut contact after that one night that you went to a concert and didn’t return her calls. That was enough for her to cut contact and move in with her ex. And call you selfish. Which means that at that point she was interested in you primarily as her care-taker, as the next person to rescue her. That was her primary need, not the need for your love.

    That’s exactly what happened. And I always thought how I messed up.. that this one night turned everything around. I could have been there for her, I could have picked up the phone because it was my moment, my chance to win her. And I blew it. It’s obviously so stupid, relationships don’t work that way.

    I think the greatest problem in the whole story is her drug use. It made her selfish and self-centered. As an addict, she couldn’t put you as a priority. I don’t know how severe her addiction was, but nevertheless, I think that was the biggest obstacle.

    If she were sober, she would have probably treated you differently. And your relationship would have had a healthier start, as well as a chance to survive. But like this, not really…

    So don’t blame yourself for “ruining the love of your life”, because you weren’t her No 1. It was drugs.

    I see now it had to be a big problem because she had to do it in front of me, even twice during one night.

    And I thought me cheating was the reason we broke up. She texted me, one of the last times we spoke, that her friend told her I slept with some girl, the one I went to the movies once. But it’s all I did, I went to the movies. His friend didn’t even know me, I really didn’t understand. She texted me that she believes this friend, that I did in fact sleep with this girl. It was so..I just gave up at that point, I understood I cannot communicate with her, I cannot defend myself when some person who never saw me in person tell her lies. I did not stand a chance there. But I was heartbroken. I cannot count how much time has passed until I stopped thinking. Or maybe I never did, I sometimes forgot and it came back again and again, and here I am now, after 8 years, obsessing about her.

    I am sorry if this is too much but I really needed this. It broke me. I needed to be free from this finally.

    #416589
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    Today I feel such a relief. Your posts gave me a lot of confidence. I think differently about myself, about her. I no longer feel like a victim.

    I am so glad that you’re feeling better, that you’re seeing it more and more clearly and not blaming yourself anymore. Really happy for you!

    I considered her out of my league back then. She was very pretty, had tattoos, piercings, looked..like a band singer or an actress. She seemed so cool to me. I was just a regular girl, maybe pretty but regular, basic. She was special. People looked at her when we were at the pub or in the cinema. She looked like someone famous. I think this is partly why I blamed myself for losing her. She seemed special. That’s why I couldn’t stop obsessing about her, I thought I lost someone very special contrary to other..”ordinary” people I knew/ dated.

    Okay, so you felt ordinary and nothing special, and that’s why you were attracted to this “extraordinary” girl, who looked like a movie star or a singer. You felt she had something you didn’t possess (specialness, uniqueness), and that’s what drew you to her.

    And I think you didn’t feel special because you were raised like that, your parents and you being put down by the other family members. And also your mother being ashamed of you, due to her own shame. So you felt like a nobody perhaps, whereas she looked special and “somebody”? And this was so magnetic for you…

    Yes, She also told me how I was unfit..to life, to relationships. And that she knew I had some issues right from the start. She gave me very mixed signals, first and mostly that she was in love and I was beautiful, and I felt it.. but there was this other, dark side when she looked at me with regret. And sadness. That there is something wrong with me and it will not work. She saw me as someone she would have to take care of and that she could not “afford”…even though I did not take nor want her money, but I was still not capable enough for her..to take her in, to take care of her.

    Yes, it seems she saw you unfit because indeed, you were not able to take her in and be her sponsor like her ex was. That’s why you were “unfit”, not because there was anything wrong with you. She was viewing you through that lens and you didn’t pass the “test.”

    Her father left their family and her mother was busy with another child. There was no place for her in family home. She could only visit. And it was like that since she was 16. I don’t know where she lived when she was 16 but I assume she had to find someone who helped her and soon she met this ex girlfriend (and yes, she was older and she looked very independent and rich)

    She clearly had a lot of trauma. It seems her own mother rejected her and thought of her as too much to “afford”. It kind of explains why she viewed everything through the money lens and how able someone was of taking care of her. Being rich and willing to take care of her was probably the sign of a “fit and desirable” partner in her own mind.

    She looked so capable and independent. But she wasn’t in fact! She still lived with ex girlfriend and accepted her help. So she just looked independent to me because she had money and expensive stuff. I remember two times we slept in the hotel. We could meet at their place during the day when her ex wasn’t there but I couldn’t spend the night obviously (except for few times when this girl was out of town) and I payed for this hotel. I did not have that much money and was surprised she couldn’t pay even half. I think it was around this time that she knew why this is not going to work..

    So she looked and behaved confidently, she wore provocative clothes and make-up, she had tatoos and piercings… Also, she was telling you how unfit you were, while probably sending a message that she is much better than you, more competent, more fit for life. She even laughed at you and ridiculed you for not wanting to try drugs. So she not only looked confident, but also behaved “confidently”, i.e. felt she was superior to you. And you believed her…

    While in reality, she had no job, no place to live, and no money of her own… but still, she felt entitled to those things and blamed you for not being able to provide it to her. So there was a certain arrogance about her – she wasn’t willing to look at herself, but blamed others for her problems.

    She had this male friend. He was older, had a car and money too. He drove her sometimes to meet me. He was into drugs too, maybe selling her this. Very mysterious guy. My friend once told me that maybe she was sleeping with him. He was for sure in love with her. I could not see it back then.

    One time she told me she was selling it to someone. She wanted to make some money. She used to send me pictures when she dressed very provocative and went to a pub.

    If she was heavily addicted (and she was, since you said she would use even twice during one night), everything is possible. It’s possible she even slept with people to get drugs. She was a slave to drugs, and this might mean anything, unfortunately.

    I think she had a life of which I had no idea. I feel like kind of a loser right now..

    Well, you wanted to believe in the fairy tale. You saw her as someone special, someone amazing and extraordinary – everything you thought you were not. That’s why you were blind to her dark side, to her drug problem and her behavior. Don’t blame yourself. We all have our blind spots. But it’s good you’re starting to see it now… and starting to free yourself from the “spell”…

    We never talked about moving in together, it was always about her struggle with place but she never asked me directly. I never felt like she wanted to move in with me, lived with me because she loved me. I assume had I lived alone she would have wanted to move in with me. And I then could become…a convenient girlfriend. Someone easy to love, not “unfit”, not f**ed up personality.

    Yes, she would have probably “loved” you if you could have provided for her…

    I feel so bad thinking like this! Could she really be that..calculated?

    Yes, because as I said, drugs ruled her life. And finding a sponsor was her way of getting what she needed: expensive drugs.

    That’s exactly what happened. And I always thought how I messed up.. that this one night turned everything around. I could have been there for her, I could have picked up the phone because it was my moment, my chance to win her. And I blew it. It’s obviously so stupid, relationships don’t work that way.

    Yes, you thought that one mistake of yours ruined your fairy tale. When in reality, the fairy tale never existed. And you’re right, relationship don’t work that way. We can repair things, we can apologize and repair the damage. But for her, that one missed phone call was enough. But the thing is that she’d probably decided before that you’re not good enough for her, because you didn’t meet her criteria. So you not picking up the phone was just the “last drop” for her. She’d already made up her mind…

    And I thought me cheating was the reason we broke up. She texted me, one of the last times we spoke, that her friend told her I slept with some girl, the one I went to the movies once. But it’s all I did, I went to the movies. His friend didn’t even know me, I really didn’t understand. She texted me that she believes this friend, that I did in fact sleep with this girl. It was so..I just gave up at that point, I understood I cannot communicate with her, I cannot defend myself when some person who never saw me in person tell her lies. I did not stand a chance there. But I was heartbroken.

    It’s good that you saw it’s futile to try to prove things to her. And that you cut things off. I think her accusing you of cheating with no evidence whatsoever was just an excuse to break up with you. Because she’d already decided she won’t be able to get from you what she needs.

    But I was heartbroken. I cannot count how much time has passed until I stopped thinking. Or maybe I never did, I sometimes forgot and it came back again and again, and here I am now, after 8 years, obsessing about her.

    I can imagine it was very painful. The person whom you thought was the love of your life didn’t even want to believe you for a second. She thought so poorly of you. And was blaming you.

    I am glad you’re now realizing it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t because you cheated that you broke up, but because of her drug addiction (and her selfishness due to that addiction). You weren’t unfit for life and relationships, but she was. But you took the blame, you believed her when she said there was something wrong with you, because of your own low self-esteem. I am so glad you’re waking up to the truth now!

    I am sorry if this is too much but I really needed this. It broke me. I needed to be free from this finally.

    It’s not too much at all. I am glad to be here for you and help you find some relief…

     

    #416853
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    I have been silent for the past week because I had to take a break from thinking about this topic. I noticed I thought about it less and less each day.

    Okay, so you felt ordinary and nothing special, and that’s why you were attracted to this “extraordinary” girl, who looked like a movie star or a singer. You felt she had something you didn’t possess (specialness, uniqueness), and that’s what drew you to her.

    And I think you didn’t feel special because you were raised like that, your parents and you being put down by the other family members. And also your mother being ashamed of you, due to her own shame. So you felt like a nobody perhaps, whereas she looked special and “somebody”? And this was so magnetic for you…

    That is correct. I did feel like no one special..

    She clearly had a lot of trauma. It seems her own mother rejected her and thought of her as too much to “afford”. It kind of explains why she viewed everything through the money lens and how able someone was of taking care of her. Being rich and willing to take care of her was probably the sign of a “fit and desirable” partner in her own mind.

    I never cared about money, at least not back then. My parents were supporting me plus I had a job and my own money (not much, I wasn’t rich, nor were my parents. But I could afford clothes, restaurants, etc). It could be partly my fault that I could not see that she was struggling and worrying about her finances. And her only choice at that time was to find someone who could help her. Working and renting a place was expensive, the standard of living she was used to. But still, it does not justify the fact that she wanted to use people for money. But I see it clearly now, you are absolutely right, Tee. I think I did not see it, although as I mentioned before – my friend had told me this already: “she just needed a sponsor”

    While in reality, she had no job, no place to live, and no money of her own… but still, she felt entitled to those things and blamed you for not being able to provide it to her. So there was a certain arrogance about her – she wasn’t willing to look at herself, but blamed others for her problems.

    I was able to take care of myself, although I had family issues of my own.. but I had the luxury of living with my family, so better start, compared to her. And she was the one ridiculing me for being unfit to life, to relationships.

    If she was heavily addicted (and she was, since you said she would use even twice during one night), everything is possible. It’s possible she even slept with people to get drugs. She was a slave to drugs, and this might mean anything, unfortunately.

    This is very sad but may be true.

    Well, you wanted to believe in the fairy tale. You saw her as someone special, someone amazing and extraordinary – everything you thought you were not. That’s why you were blind to her dark side, to her drug problem and her behavior. Don’t blame yourself. We all have our blind spots. But it’s good you’re starting to see it now… and starting to free yourself from the “spell”…

    Yes, it is such a relief.

    But the thing is that she’d probably decided before that you’re not good enough for her, because you didn’t meet her criteria. So you not picking up the phone was just the “last drop” for her. She’d already made up her mind…

    Tee, it’s crazy how you see this… I can also see how she had already made up her mind. Day by day, I knew it and I felt it, when I saw her looking at me with this look… as if she knew this was going to end soon because of me not being able to pass her test.

    It’s good that you saw it’s futile to try to prove things to her. And that you cut things off. I think her accusing you of cheating with no evidence whatsoever was just an excuse to break up with you. Because she’d already decided she won’t be able to get from you what she needs.

    Yes. I did cheat on her earlier and even confessed it to her, but she wasn’t accusing me of it. And then she made up this story I cheated with some other girl I went to the movies with. It was ridiculous. If she wanted to fight about it, why wouldn’t she be mad about the one I really did cheat with. Instead she was talking about this other girl, the cheating that did not happen. I think it could be because of drugs.  Or just an excuse…

    I can imagine it was very painful. The person whom you thought was the love of your life didn’t even want to believe you for a second. She thought so poorly of you.

    She did think very poorly of me. I think this is important here. Fairy tale could not be possible in a relationship like this. Someone once told me “I do not look for a perfect partner. I look for a relationship we can make perfect day by day” – and I agree. However perfect and uncanny she seemed..this relationship was bad. She saw some good in me, beauty, physical beauty mostly, but she also saw a lot of bad in me. Too much bad. Things that weren’t even real.

    I am glad you’re now realizing it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t because you cheated that you broke up, but because of her drug addiction (and her selfishness due to that addiction). You weren’t unfit for life and relationships, but she was. But you took the blame, you believed her when she said there was something wrong with you, because of your own low self-esteem. I am so glad you’re waking up to the truth now!

    I am glad too, thank you Tee for explaining it too me. You stopped this madness that was going on in my head.

    #416894
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    I have been silent for the past week because I had to take a break from thinking about this topic. I noticed I thought about it less and less each day.

    great! Are you still managing not to think about it too much?

    It could be partly my fault that I could not see that she was struggling and worrying about her finances. And her only choice at that time was to find someone who could help her. Working and renting a place was expensive, the standard of living she was used to. But still, it does not justify the fact that she wanted to use people for money.

    Yeah, and this standard of living involved drugs, expensive vacations and suchlike. It’s not that she was starving from hunger and you didn’t offer her a meal… It was a completely different situation. So don’t blame yourself for not agreeing to be her sponsor…

    I was able to take care of myself, although I had family issues of my own.. but I had the luxury of living with my family, so better start, compared to her. And she was the one ridiculing me for being unfit to life, to relationships.

    Yes, you had a better start, and maybe she was jealous in a way. Maybe she was thinking “it’s easy for her.” But she was also resentful and angry that you don’t want to or can’t be her sponsor. And I think that’s why she was telling you those offensive things and putting you down. I think it was a revenge for not giving her what she wanted: money/the lifestyle she wanted.

    Tee, it’s crazy how you see this… I can also see how she had already made up her mind. Day by day, I knew it and I felt it, when I saw her looking at me with this look… as if she knew this was going to end soon because of me not being able to pass her test.

    Yeah, I could kind of imagine what she was feeling, because you said she told you she was falling in love with you, but also that she didn’t like that feeling. She was also telling you how lacking and inadequate you were. So she had been distancing herself from you emotionally for a while, I guess since she’d realized that you won’t/can’t be her sponsor, and that, to put it bluntly, she has no use of you.

    I did cheat on her earlier and even confessed it to her, but she wasn’t accusing me of it. And then she made up this story I cheated with some other girl I went to the movies with. It was ridiculous. If she wanted to fight about it, why wouldn’t she be mad about the one I really did cheat with. Instead she was talking about this other girl, the cheating that did not happen. I think it could be because of drugs. Or just an excuse…

    Yeah that’s interesting that she didn’t blame you for the actual cheating, but did for an invented one. But perhaps it’s not so surprising if for her, the most important feature in a partner wasn’t faithfulness but the ability to provide. I guess if you were rich and willing to be her sponsor, she wouldn’t have been so upset about your cheating (she too was cheating, most probably). But like this, the most important feature was missing, so she needed an excuse to break up.

    She did think very poorly of me. I think this is important here. Fairy tale could not be possible in a relationship like this… She saw some good in me, beauty, physical beauty mostly, but she also saw a lot of bad in me. Too much bad. Things that weren’t even real.

    Yes, that’s the key – she didn’t really appreciate you. In her eyes you were “inadequate”, because she was looking at you mostly through the money lens. Okay, she liked your looks. But other than that, it doesn’t seem she appreciated you very much. So if you ask me, her interest in you came mostly from a superficial place, it wasn’t true love…

    I am glad too, thank you Tee for explaining it too me. You stopped this madness that was going on in my head.

    You are very welcome, Caroline. I am happy I could help, and that you found some peace and closure…

     

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