Anita, you mentioned your mother had this pressure speech. Would you like to write more about this? How was it, did you meet people who took advantage of the behavior you were taught to growing up?  I noticed you did not develop this thought so maybe you do not want to talk about it, in this case – I’m Sorry and I will not be asking anymore.

Anita,

you asked “what something worse can it be?” regarding his behavior after I stated my boundaries to him. I think something more less what I wrote as an example but he can say it in front of other people. In work meeting etc.  I think I will respond logically saying this is work and he needs to tell me or explain something to me. Not sure what else can it be but I noticed he has been pretty aggressive and rude to people at work. I guess I need to learn to not freeze and to just respond right away. It will be difficult but I have to.

We also have a meeting to know each other better, I think it will be a restaurant or something. I do not have a good feeling about this, but who knows. Maybe he will be respectful.

“what did you say or do that is dishonest? What is it that you don’t like about yourself lately?” – I do not think it is something I did, It is the feeling that they think we are friends. I also explained today to one of the girls that we used to be friends and we grew apart, as she was saying things like “you should not let work ruin your friendship with him, you should just give yourself time and you’ll make up etc”. I think she understood. I do not want to explain myself anymore to them, further explaining would be too much, I think. But I feel like I will always be “his friend” in their eyes, as this was the case since the beginning (as I was saying he was exaggerating, omitting the fact we have not seen each other 5 years, almost bragging even).

Not sure if I explain correctly. I do not want to appear connected to him that much, I feel like I was not my own person since I started this job, often some people asking me about him and our friendship. And now that I made some friends and people like me (some of them in my team but also in other teams – girls who left to other departments- do not like him. There is a manager who likes him and new girl who had a baby in 2020 and just got back to work- she is great friends with him). It sometimes feels like a marriage – you make friends and people like you for who you are but they always remember you are married to this one guy, not very pleasant one, so they never mention him around you. I think they do not talk bad about him because they still cannot get rid of the thinking of me as his friend after all those months.

Maybe this is not true, It may be that I tell myself it looks like this while in reality it may not look that bad, since I explained. But that is the main reason I get this weird feeling lately. Feeling guilty, dishonest.

Anita,

I just told him all this, maybe I forgot some details but I think it went well.

It felt scary but also relieving and empowering. I feel like it set me free a little bit. Thank you again for helping me. I was planning to talk to him next week but after reading your message today I decided to do it right away, to not be scared. Although I was scared, but after I read that you wrote it was not that bad, it gave me courage and I thank you for that.

I think he understood, he was very quiet about it, though, so not sure what the outcome will be in the future and how he will act at work, etc. May be difficult. So it’s “to be continued” for sure. But it had to be done and I am really glad I did it.

Today at the bakery some lady stepped up before me in a queue, although I was there first. I was standing in silence (like I would always do) but then I told her Sorry I was here first. And I started saying my order. I know it may seem silly but it is really difficult for me, to stand up for myself. I almost never do. Or should I say I really really never do. 🙁 When something like this happens I do not have normal pulse or no stress, as they say, to be able to scan the environment and plan better. No, I start to have panic attack and start being angry but I just stand there, do nothing and walk away.. Not sure if this is the typical freeze response.

Do you have any helpful websites or youtube videos about freeze response? I really would like to read more how to overcome it.

Anita,

I now have read something about flight-fight-freeze and although I knew about it earlier – I did not know my lack of response in that situation is exactly the freeze response. I read to overcome too frequent freeze response one should practice grounding and relaxation. Not sure if it would work for me.  I can see you probably know something more about this.

“Fast forward, in situation with other people, my brain was frozen: no thinking, no evaluating, and therefore no appropriate, sensible reacting. Do you relate to this?” – Yes, definitely I do relate.

I did not mention that we worked together at the beginning. Last year in July 2021 I texted him I have an interview in a company he works. It wasn’t at his division at first. He said it would be nice to meet, he was extremely happy I texted him, said he missed me etc. I knew I would not text him if it was not for the job offer – I guess my text was just very spontaneous and I assumed we would meet in this company anyway so I thought maybe good idea to text him, see if he still works there, maybe give me some tips. I did not expect the reunion of the friendship, especially as sometimes we texted birthday wishes or christmas wishes (I think last time in 2018) and it was just very casual.

From July 2021 to march 2022 we used to meet quite often, at his place together with his girlfriend or at my place sometimes. He called a lot and talked but with time I got tired and angry with his behaviour, and I felt I needed space from him because the contact became too frequent and just too much. At work he brags that we are the best friends, he doesn’t talk about the fact we did not speak for 5 years so knowing we were friends in 2012-2014 we cannot exactly say we have been friends for 10 years. In 2015-16 we have met few times and texted birthday wishes once in a while some time after that.

I must say first of all I don’t like the fact he has been telling people we have been the best friends, know each other for 10 years because it is simply not entirely true.

I changed divisions at work in December 2021 to the one he works so we started working together. In March/April 2022 we started talking less, I texted less often, did not ask how he was because I did not want to hear his lectures. Last sunday when he came to my place with all his resentment toward me he also mention lack of contact from my side for the past months.

Situation at work is problematic. Just when you wrote “If the other 3 team members think that you disapprove of his abusive behaviors, and yet you choose to be his personal friend, they may think that you are emotionally dishonest and therefore, not trustworthy” – the same day my coworker asked my why am I not “in his team” since we were best friends.  I think for past few days this is my worst concern because I know I will break up this relationship one way or another but worry about what people at work would think as they already think we are best friends (not 100% sure what he tells them – I am working home office, he and only one coworker are in the office)

I feel it is a trap that I fell into.

I have not talked to him since Sunday, except for work messages and e-mails. I know he will probably call me out for this, as he again must feel neglected so I’m preparing for the conversation. I wrote what I need to tell him, but it is very stressful that I have to say it all and stand up for myself. He usually intimidates and bullies me. I regret I put up with this all these months and did not stand up for myself and now it became a trap I need to get out of.

As for his girlfriend I do not know what he told her to get her approval on meeting with me that often but I do not feel comfortable with being so close to him. I know I no longer want to be alone with him and do not want people to think we are that close. I am aware it is not normal and I do not need nor want that kind of relationship with him.

Anita,

Glad to read that you agree with what I come up with. I sometimes need to have more time to understand what happened, I do not have immediate reaction to abuse and maltreatment. I know why is that and probably most victims of abuse have it, but how to overcome this, how to know right now: I do not feel comfortable, this is not right, someone is hurting me. I have to say I have those feelings but I do not trust them I guess, not enough to act.

Mostly he asked if I want to be friends with him, if we can work together – Truth is I would probably never reach out to him if it wasn’t for the job offer I got. Now we work together in a team of 5 people. That’s what worries me. Seems to me some people in the office do not like him because of his anger and talking. But still I need to make it work, so to speak. At least right now when I am still working here, not sure what the future holds but I would prefer not to switch jobs at the moment.

So the question if I want to be friends with him is tricky. I think we indeed grew apart and it is not possible anymore. For the past year he wanted to meet every Saturday (plus Sundays – I declined but he used to ask every week) he wanted very frequent meetings, called sometimes everyday. He wanted to drop by during a week but I also did not have time usually. I do not have that much place for him in my life anymore.  I don’t think anyone has, for a friend, that much place and I do not think it is healthy and normal to be that needy and clingy. He has a girlfriend and he lives with her, I should mention.

What I see best it would be us staying as colleagues that see each other once in a few weeks, months, with a group of other people, not talking day to day basis about each other’s everyday problems (what has been the issue here). Not sure how to maintain this. I guess I could just say this to him.

*grew apart, sorry 🙂