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CarolineParticipantAnita,
Thank you. Have a good day 🙂
CarolineParticipantAnita,
Glad to read that you agree with what I come up with. I sometimes need to have more time to understand what happened, I do not have immediate reaction to abuse and maltreatment. I know why is that and probably most victims of abuse have it, but how to overcome this, how to know right now: I do not feel comfortable, this is not right, someone is hurting me. I have to say I have those feelings but I do not trust them I guess, not enough to act.
Mostly he asked if I want to be friends with him, if we can work together – Truth is I would probably never reach out to him if it wasn’t for the job offer I got. Now we work together in a team of 5 people. That’s what worries me. Seems to me some people in the office do not like him because of his anger and talking. But still I need to make it work, so to speak. At least right now when I am still working here, not sure what the future holds but I would prefer not to switch jobs at the moment.
So the question if I want to be friends with him is tricky. I think we indeed grew apart and it is not possible anymore. For the past year he wanted to meet every Saturday (plus Sundays – I declined but he used to ask every week) he wanted very frequent meetings, called sometimes everyday. He wanted to drop by during a week but I also did not have time usually. I do not have that much place for him in my life anymore. I don’t think anyone has, for a friend, that much place and I do not think it is healthy and normal to be that needy and clingy. He has a girlfriend and he lives with her, I should mention.
What I see best it would be us staying as colleagues that see each other once in a few weeks, months, with a group of other people, not talking day to day basis about each other’s everyday problems (what has been the issue here). Not sure how to maintain this. I guess I could just say this to him.
CarolineParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for the reply. I really did not expect such a great help.
I was not aware of this condition (or a symptom, forgive me, not an excellent english speaker). I was googling stories of people who have similar friends, but those stories seemed different than mine.
When he left I was feeling guilty of not saying directly how I feel – as he said – I should say I do not understand or do not follow his speech instead of “shutting down”. Today I do not agree. I know the problem was not my reaction (however proper or healthy it was or not) but his talking. Knowing he would continue this pressured speech I know I cannot meet him again alone.
I’ve been thinking about telling him we need to give each other space. The only reason I did not say it was over for us was that I do not want to lose people around me. But I know having people around who abuse me is not the way to live.
Before he left he asked me couple of times what’s next for us, are we gonna be friends still or what is my decision. I could not answer. I think he saw my lack of reaction mostly, I explained myself a bit (I know I should not have but as I said I was abused growing up, I am really trying to cope with situations like that, trust me I am trying to not hurt myself again). Most questions he asked I said I cannot give him answer, I cannot offer him anything more and that I am really surprised what he just told me and tired. He left without me saying anything. I think I was afraid of saying anything harsh but I have been preparing what to say when we will talk. I think I will say that this friendship has become too intense and we need to give each other space, and that I appreciate the calm life I am living for past few years, as well as my good mental health and my boundaries, and that I would like them to stay that way.
Thank you again for making an effort. It really clarified it for me.
CarolineParticipant*grew apart, sorry 🙂
CarolineParticipantHi Camilla, thanks for the reply. Yes, you are right, we probably grew together. He acted like this years ago, turns out he still does, and I have changed a lot. Hope you have a great day 🙂
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