Dear Katrine,

As much as a relief it was to finally receive the right diagnosis last year, I was also devastating since after 20 years of hard work now I had to start all over again.

I know what you mean. Although I started working on myself years ago, I felt pretty stuck for quite a long time and couldn’t stop some of my negative habits. Then I switched therapists, and when I needed to explain my problems all over again to my new therapist, I felt so defeated. Like, why am I still here, why haven’t I made more progress?? I felt so defeated that I gave up therapy altogether and picked up only later, perhaps 5-6 years down the line. And then things started moving, finally…

I was only treated for anxiety and told I just needed to get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself, which didn’t make my anxiety less but actually worse.

That was bad therapy – to treat anxiety with “exposure therapy”, without addressing the underlying issues. In my case, I don’t think that my therapist was inadequate, it’s just that I had so much resistance. Perhaps if I had known the concept of the inner child then, it would have made a difference. But I didn’t, and I had so much trouble talking to myself with compassion. My inner critic was so strong and it just kept me paralyzed. The only true shift started when I was able to get in touch with that innocent child within me and see her/myself with compassion… only then did I manage to silence the voice of the inner critic.

At least since getting the right diagnosis things are moving forward.

That’s great! Be patient with yourself though… because you can’t change in one year what has been accumulating for more than 20 years of your life. Small steps, baby steps, and a lot of patience and self-compassion. At least that’s the only way I know.

Of course, besides having a lot of patience and self-compassion, you can also add some practical steps, such as a daily self-care routine, journaling (specially when you are triggered) and things like that. Dr. Lepera suggests a practice called Future Self journaling, where you envision your future self. I find it quite useful too.

I’m also going to look at the situation with the cute guy and cherish the good moments. The fact that of all the women working there I was the one that stood out to him. I have learn a lot and I still have changes to grow since we still work together so there are many chances to challange myself.

That’s a good attitude. Cherish the good moments, and yes, see it as a challenge: how to stay relatively calm and not too activated in his presence. And if you do get activated, notice your triggers, journal about it, etc… In fact, maybe if instead of a challenge you see it more like a game (something like “let’s see how I’ll react to him today”) and take it less seriously, maybe it would make things easier? Because that would take off some pressure of yourself to behave “perfectly”…