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Stay or go?

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  • August 21, 2013 at 4:32 pm #40935
    Heather
    Participant

    I am in love with one of my best friends. We know each other so incredibly well, we talk about everything (except our relationship), we except each other in a very whole, honest way. Over the last two years that we have known each other, our relationship has grown to the point where he is the first person I want to talk to about my problems and worries. However, he struggles with sever anxiety and depression, while I struggle with social anxiety. We are both very sensitive introverts who can easily feel disconnected. We have both recently started counselling. In the past, we have had several discussion about our relationship, always ending in me feeling rejected and alone; he has told me that he does not know how he feels about me. Despite his words, I feel like his actions show me that he care – he always makes time for me, he always listen to and is present with my feelings, he trusts me with his feelings, he has let me into his life when I know it is difficult for him.

    I do not know if this situation is doing me more harm than good. I do not know if I should be expecting more from the person that I am investing so much emotional energy into. Thoughts?

    August 21, 2013 at 8:46 pm #40952
    Matt
    Participant

    Heather,

    Sharing love is never a drain on us. Having unmet expectations is what drains us! Perhaps your feelings for him are more than his feelings for you, or you are more ready for a deeper intimacy then he is. Is that OK? Is he good as a friend, do you enjoy your moments of connection?

    It seems to me that perhaps spending some time working on yourself will prepare you for a lasting relationship… either with him or with another. As you work with your counselor, things may look different! I was especially struck by how you said he is the first person to you want to call with your “problems and worries”. What about your joys? What about your successes? It is good and stable ground for a relationship if both people are whole and come to the connection self sufficient, but if you both need each other to feel OK, there could be problems later on. Said differently, we nurture the self first, then we can work on the relationship. With the anxieties and depression you mention, it might be good to pause on going further until you both work out some of the concerns. Otherwise the relationship may just add to the complexity already happening for you. Namaste, and good luck!

    With warmth,
    Matt

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