Dear Julia:

First, so to get it out of the way: I am not suggesting that there is something wrong with the real- life circumstances of your life, primarily with being a wife and a mother. I understand that you are content with being married and I am sure that you are devoted to your kids (“got a loving husband… Don’t get me wrong, I like my life as it is… Again, this is nothing I regret, I made my choices deliberately“). What I would like to suggest is a practical, doable change in attitude.

“I did daydream about being creative and famous but mostly just about being loved/in love or well-liked by others… my dreams were more exciting than real life, it’s true. And now life is just life. It is not necessarily boring but just bland“- during the “hours over hours” of daydreaming about being loved, being in-love, and having an exciting life, neurotransmitters, produced in your brain (ex. dopamine), , and hormones, produced by your endocrine glands (ex., adrenaline),  created in you the good feelings and physical sensations that you experience/d while daydreaming.

Fast forward to the present (and true to the time you were a teenager as well), when life feels bland, you try to recreate the good feelings and sensations that you experienced during the many hours of daydreaming via substances (sweets and snacks) and the passive activities that you are addicted to (binge watching, etc.) Sugar in itself gives the brain a huge surge of the feel-good chemical (neurotransmitter) dopamine.

“there were periods in my life, were I put my ‘addiction’ above ‘real life’ – I binge watched instead of doing homework/meeting friends“- often, real life felt/ feels bland, so you try to recreated the good feelings and exciting sensations (that surge of energy) via addictive substances and activities.

“I never envisioned myself having children and staying in one place, barely getting new experience/seeing new places…  I just tried to get new experience so something extraordinary actually would happen in my life“- the envisioning of extraordinary events when daydreaming produces very good feelings and sensations for hours at a time, but then the bland emotional experience returns (“I just don’t enjoy this behaviour aka eating too much sweets, binge watching etc. anymore“). If the extraordinary events you envisioned happened in real-life, your good feelings and sensations would also last for hours at a time, over a few weeks or for a few months (on and off)… but then, the lasting bland emotional experience returns. (I am speaking from personal experience and I will share it with you if you ask).  There is an expiration-date on how long a real-life extraordinary event feels good, just as there is one in regard to how long a daydream feels good, and how long a substance or an activity feels good.

“I could do more, work more / put more energy in my education / start some side business, do more sports, do more…  I am just putting enough effort into it to pass…  I lack the commitment of doing more“- you are no longer motivated and committed to do more because you are too used to the expiration date on feeling-good happening sooner than later and too often, so you don’t bother anymore (?)

I would like to elaborate on my suggestion of a change in attitude if and after I receive your thoughts about what I wrote here so far.

anita