dear Anita

my mother broke me because she was angry. It was her anger that motivated her. She didn’t have an individual plan, a strategy:i dont think my mom had a plan either , she was deriver by her jealousy , anger and insecurities , she could be a decent mom when she was happy but that happened rarely , our bad luck .  she reacted to her anger. She didn’t feel that it was fair that she alone will be broken. She was envious of the non-broken me, so she made it fair. that reminds me of my dad, he was very envious of me , he was completing to me in very obvious way , maybe i talk about it later , but sometimes i feel the memory of my mom is fading or maybe i was too young to realize it then. I chose to surround myself with “losers”- no, I didn’t choose losers or winners. I didn’t choose much of anything. i can relate to this 100 % , i was alone , in most of my adult life so far , and my social circle is very small , but by surrounding with bitter people , i meant keeping people in my life who were drag me down , i didnt choose them , they were in my life more or less , although i wasnt physically see them that often , but because my social circle is not that big , i feel like this is the only type of people i have in my life , some of my so called friendships were also disastrouse , to the point i was sorry for my self to even being seen with these people in public , obviously they are extreme cases , but i wasnt very good in finding close relationships which lasts and are not toxic

i feel like if i CHOOSE to be with someone , they were low hanging fruits , the kind i didn`t value their opinions , as i said in my earlier post today

“That`s not a life sentence , is it?“- no: not for you, not for me,i truly hope so

Farnaz