Forum Replies Created
November 27, 2022 at 10:25 pm #410878
dear Anita , thank you for your note
farnazNovember 27, 2022 at 7:51 pm #410870
yes , i believe i am apparently successful but living a sad life , but when i was dealing with these kind of people , i didn`t even know , the last case was around 8 months ago
FarnazNovember 27, 2022 at 10:48 am #410844
I think that you think of your mother as a high hanging fruit (educated, hard-working & motivated, professionally & financially successful), maybe in the past when i just lost her , but now , not really . i told you about her achievements and in my mind there is a contrast about in her career and family life , and i believed she could control her profession much better , she was smart in that area and developed good skills during years , it was not hard to manage for her but in her personal life , she was weak , didn
t develop emotional and social skills to manage her emotions and was too closeminded to change ,i dont idolize her anymore actually i
m older than that i could idolize anyone , i actually i admire my dad more because he was living in reality and he didnt expect me to be perfect and he was generally more peaceful with his life , was he perfect or even close to it , no way .
i used low hanging fruits about people i chose to keep in my life . i couldn’t choose my family but my friends , i could do better
<b>did you CHOOSE (above quote) to be with low hanging fruit: did you notice that a particular man, let’s say, is uneducated and professionally unsuccessful, and that awakened a motivation in you to reach out to him and you proceeded to try to get his attention ,</b> i actually choose people who were successful apparently but were living a sad, little life, i found out later OR people who were obviously not relationship material and i thought i could change them . in one sentence i chose people because of their superficial traits and i was never considered there should be some depth in relationship , they should be able to be trustworthy , affectionate and have a positive aproach towards life , they also care only about the appearance
farNovember 26, 2022 at 12:03 pm #410751
i read your reply now , but i`m gonna write back tomorrow , it was actually the beginning of the week here and it was a long day
have a good day
FarnazNovember 25, 2022 at 1:32 pm #410720
thank you , you too
FNovember 25, 2022 at 1:11 pm #410718
my mother broke me because she was angry. It was her anger that motivated her. She didn’t have an individual plan, a strategy:i don
t think my mom had a plan either , she was deriver by her jealousy , anger and insecurities , she could be a decent mom when she was happy but that happened rarely , our bad luck . <strong> she reacted to her anger. She didn’t feel that it was fair that she alone will be broken. She was envious of the non-broken me, so she made it fair</strong>. that reminds me of my dad, he was very envious of me , he was completing to me in very obvious way , maybe i talk about it later , but sometimes i feel the memory of my mom is fading or maybe i was too young to realize it then. <b>I chose to surround myself with “losers”- no, I didn’t choose losers or winners. I didn’t choose much of anything. </b>i can relate to this 100 % , i was alone , in most of my adult life so far , and my social circle is very small , but by surrounding with bitter people , i meant keeping people in my life who were drag me down , i didnt choose them , they were in my life more or less , although i wasn
t physically see them that often , but because my social circle is not that big , i feel like this is the only type of people i have in my life , some of my so called friendships were also disastrouse , to the point i was sorry for my self to even being seen with these people in public , obviously they are extreme cases , but i wasnt very good in finding close relationships which lasts and are not toxic
i feel like if i CHOOSE to be with someone , they were low hanging fruits , the kind i didn`t value their opinions , as i said in my earlier post today
“<strong>That`s not a life sentence , is it?“- no: not for you, not for me,i truly hope so
FarnazNovember 25, 2022 at 10:42 am #410714
yes , it does make sense , i believe my mom and most likely yours too , were afraid that if we socialize with more successful people or people in general we gonna abandon them and it was scarier than intimidation for them if i
m isolated it is more likely to be dependent to someone and gonna ignore their flaws and most likely to idolize them as i remember you told about the experience you had with your mom in front of your friend. she wasnt happy about you having friends . successful people can easily recognize unsuccessful people , i mean usually 2 people who are not particularly doing good in their life can
t say or realize the another one is not doing well , they cant even realize about themselves .
i remember all these LOSERS beside my mom , wanted me to be isolated , it was the ultimate goal
i`m struggling to describe my point of view in second language here , i hope you understand what i mean
<strong>To separate and isolate a highly social individual animal, such as a human, is the same as breaking him or her. </strong>that
s true but i dont feel comfortable about it , that`s not a life sentence , is it?and did you have the same experience with people too , i mean your surrounding in general , do you feel intimidated like me ?
FarnazNovember 25, 2022 at 8:10 am #410704
There were many instances, I am sure, when she expressed to you that people are not to be trusted and that they deserve your low opinion of them, and you absorbed what she expressed to you, you
re right she did it multiple times and tried to separate me from others but in some ways i did feel separated and like an outsider myself because in my mind nobody had a problem similar to me and nobody could understand me , i mean having a mom with terminal cancer and i said i was surrounded with kind of people not because i believe im above everybody but because i think i
m not confident enough to socialize with more successful people who know what they want , i feel intimidated by them , because being surrounded with losers gave me this security that im better than some people and if they did something bad to me , i would say , it`s because of jealousy or pettiness .
t judge the value of a human by their success as much as my parents , i HOPE but some people can lift you up in life just you can make an example of them or give you some good advice and they are strong enough to be with you when you need at least they dont drag you down but i was surrounded by people who wanted to drag me down i did alot of stuff they couldn
t handle , you remember i told you they werent very happy that i wasn
t broken completely ?i dont want to be surrounded by these kind of people obviously .
She wanted you separated, isolated and alone outside of the family as well by instilling.. and what was her reason do you think ?
FarnazNovember 25, 2022 at 12:58 am #410684
you are welcome , yes we can talk to the extent we are both comfortable with .
I wonder what kinds of work you practically did (ex., initiating dates?), and if you did that work with a cold-and-distant attitude (“I (was) considered cold and distant.. in relation to romantic partners“, Nov 23), an attitude to which the men did not positively react/i seem distant and cold in general and in general that make approaching me a little bit tricky , but once i like a person in opposite sex i don
t have any problem approaching them , i kinda overdo it , and show a little bit too much interests , so they would feel comfortable sitting their butt down and do nothing , it doesnt take much for me to realize that kind of behavior in a man , so i stop doing anything for them , to see if they do anything to gain my interests again , in most cases they don
t , they werent that into me i guess , they wanted a ego trip , in case they were interested in me , i will find tons of faults in them to convince my self they are not any good , and by faults i mean based on my mom`s standard , subconsciously .
<strong> she also repeatedly told me (in a day-dreaming kind of way) that I will meet a prince charming who will marry me and make all (her) dreams come true </strong>that was the exact situation in my sister
s case , i think i cant completely distinguish between my own standards and my mom`s to this age
FarnazNovember 23, 2022 at 10:26 pm #410636
t want you to push you say anything youre not comfortable with , if you don
t want to talk about it , thats ok .
but i do believe if we talked about these difficult topics , and sharing as much as we are comfortable with , can help us both . but obviously there is no push here.
this reminds me of our talk about inferiority vs superiority, the two being two sides of the same coin. I felt superior to guys who showed interest in me, but painfully inferior overall.exactly , everything is related , unfortunately . i feel i never think of myself as equal to others .
by doing all the work , i meant make the relationship happens , doing all the steps without actually trying to impress me or showing they worth trying to keep them in my life , and they were`n worthy
m looking forward your reply , take your time and if you dont want to talk about it , it`s completely fine for me
FarnazNovember 23, 2022 at 12:16 pm #410599
just like you i had very little romance in my life , although i
m not that self conscious about myself during the dates which were very few , i got very obsessed with guys around me , i made a big deal from very few gestures they did in my mind and wasting my time daydreaming about them , like having a future and ...with no result . they werent even aware i had a crush on them , i was too cold and prideful to show it . i don
t know if im exaggerating or not but NONE of them were a good much for me when i look back , i was choosing them subconsciously so if they left or that didn
t work out , i would tell myself im better off without them and i dodge the bullet which is true , they weren
t good people, they werent a good match for most women but i chose them , i mean they were very similar . selfish , distant and arrogant and most of them wanted me to do all the work .like my mom?! what about you do you see any pattern in men you were interested?
FarnazNovember 23, 2022 at 11:26 am #410596
no problem anita ,And/ but… anything you want to talk about, whatever it is.. let’s talk about it and thank you for letting me talk about my problems , but if have any topic you want to talk about which is interesting to you , share with me if you like ,
one of my problems i always had that you might relate to it , is to be considered cold and distant , because i
m scared to be hurt and that made me hard to approach specially in relation to romantic partners , im not comfortable with intimacy . could you share your experiences in romance , if you wish ?i mean your experiences with your mother how affect your love life ?
FarnazNovember 23, 2022 at 10:27 am #410593
Thank you for your insightful reply
maybe he observed that when your sister confronted his mother with the truth about her hurt, his mother hurt his sister even more. So, he learned to not confront anyone with the truth of his hurt. Exactly , he is this way with every confrontation , he only can show his anger in a very explosive way , when he is angry because he feels more powerful but he destroys everything.
She can’t cut ties when her basic power is with her mother. She needs her lost power back. You became one of “the bad guys” in her mind because you supported the bad guy in her life: her mother. you are right , she hated each of us because she believes we weren
t the main target of my moms anger and maybe she `s right , i was too young to remember but when my brother is telling about their relationship , is like he is explaining a nightmare. it was so bad that my dad was adamant to sent my sister away because he knew they , my mother and sister would never get along .
i think we recently only talked about my family situation although i enjoyed it , i believe it`s selfish to talk about me , do you have any topic in mind to talk about ?
farnazNovember 22, 2022 at 8:58 pm #410566
i`m gonna reply to you in few hours , sorry for being late
have a good night sleep
FNovember 22, 2022 at 9:08 am #410525
no problem , take your time and have a good day