JD,

That feeling of isolation that comes up in social situations is very normal and usual. I know how painful it can be, as thoughts and feelings wash over us as we notice that we’re not connecting well. Again, this is normal and goes away as you heal from the past. Two things came to heart as I read your words.

The first is courage. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, rather it is the drive inside us that jumps anyway. Open heartedness is an adventure, and can be quite scary. You commented in another thread that there was such courage, in our words and openness, and its true. This isn’t because I don’t feel fear, I do. I feel whispers of fear that I will hurt others with my words, that I will pass on tainted love, that what I see as light is a mirage, and is actually shadow. But, I jump anyway. Courage is just that, to say “yes, here is some fear, but here is also the chance at connecting, sharing, loving”. So we jump in and offer our thoughts, views and feelings.

That fear and feeling of isolation is from shame. Brene Brown has done some amazing research on shame, and how it arises alongside the belief that we are unlovable as we are. That because of some factor in our body, mind or history, we have become damaged, and if people really knew us, they would find it impossible to love us. So we hide, play games, put on armor, pretend we’re happy, become actors. When we look in the mirror (or close intimacies), we feel overwhelmed, either trying to prove to us or them that we are good enough to be loved, or in the absence of that proof, shrink away inside as we feel we are not good enough to be loved.

Again, this is normal and usual, and erodes with time and effort from us. As we cultivate warm feelings for ourselves, it becomes easier. Its not your fault, JD, you were abused. It sucks, its painful, but you’re not tainted or unlovable. Quite the contrary, compassionate hearts are inspired to help, to heal, to love you so much that it overwhelms your heart, spilling into your past and giving love to the little kid who was scared and alone. You deserve love, and so did he. I’m so sorry that it worked out the way it did for you back then… and all the chaos, all the isolation it sparked. Its not fair, but its also not permanent. You’re healing, and soon your wings will be free to fly. Then fear fades quickly as you realize the pain of the past is dead and gone, and you really do have the strength to connect, and that you have always been deserving of love.

With warmth,
Matt

JD,

Perhaps your heart is open, as you clearly express warm affection… maybe its your mouth that’s closed. 🙂 For me, the “practical method” is saying what I feel even in the presence of fear. Maybe what you say won’t be perfect, but so what? Maybe they’ll think “that was a dumb thing to say” but so what? Maybe they’ll say “you’re no good kid, you’ve got no future” but so what? The healing is from the courage, from the speaking anyway.

What I’ve found is that when I jump in, I feel great. My fears were unjustified, people like me, enjoy my input, and accept my participation. Even when I do stumble or feel like I said something dumb, it fades after the next jump. So I just keep jumping.

Perhaps you want the fear to go away first, before jumping. It might, but I don’t know how it could. When you fear the unknown, if you never plant a seed you’ll never know if the fruit is bitter or sweet. No one is perfect, so why bother waiting until you are before diving in?!

When in doubt, just ask questions. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt