Dear G

I share similar experiences as you, I have moved overseas to study, and I eventually got my residence in the country where I am staying now. So the next step for me perhaps is to think about whether I want to give up my citizenship from my home country. But I don’t have to worry about it now.

I hope you don’t mind me listing a few things here, as I find it easier for me to organise my thoughts:

1) Could it be that the lack of motivation has little to do with pandemic, and more to do with what you feel about pursuing a master’s degree in general? I get that the pandemic has made things worse for you, as it made you feel lonely, however I see that there is motivation for you to meet your friends at school, and less motivation towards doing the actual work of completing your degree. Of course I could be wrong, this is to do with psychology, we can’t see what others see and it can only be an opinion. Or ask yourself this question – if it wasn’t for the pandemic, would you be motivated to study abroad?

When I said “motivated”, what I mean is that you’re truly happy about your decisions and you will follow through. So it is less to do with extrinsic motivation, it is more like intrinsic motivation that I’m referring to. So whether you’re genuinely happy about doing it. If the answer is NO, it is more like something that you think you shoulddo (there is an expectation or you feel that you’re responsible for doing it, vs. it is really what you deisre), then I would say you’re not motivated to do it.

For me, motivation is important. Everyone’s experiences are different. However, for me, I am quite capable of doing different things, so I have to be sure that what I do aligns with my skills, values and motivation so that I can be truly happy with what I do.

2) You mentioned in the heading that you’re “lost and mentally, emotionally exhausted”, and you’re making connections between your logic and feelings i.e. you think that the reasons contributing to your emotional burnout are mainly to do with your studies. I mean, I can’t do the same for myself, I can’t see it from an outsider’s perspective, and it takes the right person that can vibrate you with the same wavelength and is receptive (and can communicate well with you verbally) to help you figure out what is really happening. If not it really depends on introspection. It is how well you understand yourself in comparison to what is really happening in reality. Of course, this is what I want to achieve in theory, that I might not be able to fully comprehend, as I have my own limitations as well, but this is what I try to do.

I have my own issues as well, and it is kind of hard for me to explain to others how I really feel, and what I think is not the same as what others think about me, so it is not always accurate to rely on others’ opinions.

But is what you’re feeling a direct consequence of the things that you’ve mentioned above? It could only be a tip of the iceberg that reflects something beyond the surface i.e. the bigger problems that you have to face to really find purpose in your career (or studies).

3) Not sure what subjects you are studying, and what you want to do afterwards. One thing for sure is that what you do might not even be remotely related to what you’re studying now (it is sad but true). If you’re lucky then you can find something relevant. However, I have also noticed that you would prefer doing something that makes you happy. So for me it seems that studying is the second best option, not what you have in mind that you think would give you true happiness. Now you have to understand that you cannot balance the two, because it is impossible to not like what you’re doing and feel happy at the same time.

For me I choose something that is best for me that I am happy with. So that even when there are challenges they are not impossible to overcome. Because I know for a fact that I love my job, even if I move to another company, this is still what I am going to do for my life. I have other options too.

Going by what you said, I suppose it is entirely possible that your dream job does not require you to study abroad. I could be wrong. Because I can only gauge the situation going by what you said. Now if this is the case, then I guess the most logical decision is still to finish off what you have started, but if you think it is too much for you, and regardless of whether you have completed your master’s degree, you would still stick to what you think if the best option for you..

Then I think you’ve answered your own question.

4) This is something that I tell myself when I am not sure about whether my decisions are correct: If I am CERTAIN that I am going to like it, then it is a YES. If I have any doubts (it is a MAYBE, or I have to think about the reasons why I might be right or wrong, and I keep going in circles), then it is a NO.

You should be at peace with yourself, any decisions that you make should make you feel comfortable (even if you decide to challenge yourself, then it should still make you feel good). For me, anything that makes you feel bad is a bad decision.

***

P.S. For example, I don’t get along with certain coworkers, I have tried to find reasons why I might be wrong, that they could be doing well and there must be reasons why I must be wrong when there is a conflict (as they seem to be adamant that they are correct). I am not comfortable with that. I have been thinking hard about how to make things work, and how to increase the merchandising standards, as we’re not really doing well compared to other high end retail stores in the area. I was so exhausted that at one point I told the manager, could you please ask the others to just stop that one thing that is stopping me from finishing on time that can be done in 10 mins which is now taking 1 hour to do as I am REALLY GETTING FRUSTRATED. I have been thinking about tactics, like how I am now already in the main clique, and I have good connections (a big spider web) for similar positions that I can fill in the organisation so I can easily move horizontally to do the jobs that I like to do, I know half of the managers. So I can kick their a**, I will break up their clique, and I also worry about what if there are new additions to the team, the dynamics might change, so I will need to increase my spider web, get ready for any changes, and do some politicking if necessary.

And I am not comfortable with that. I find myself in a rut. Of course talking about it makes me feel better. I like to make endless rants about everything. But after going through the things that I have mentioned above, I return to work and I can keep a cool head. I think about whether this is how the way things are connected, and whether I have been deceived by the stories that I tell myself or what I have been told by others.. I won’t go into the details, but then I will often find something that is a YES for me, and it is often a straightforward solution that shouldn’t make you too depressed.

How are you, G???

anita