Hi Tee,

I’m hanging in there, how are you?

Was going to write a couple of days ago but this week has been really crazy. We had a apres ski party on Thursday for all the big clients it’s the most busy day of the year, and the entire bar gets turned into a winter wonderland. Everybody was working and no one was able to take that day off. It wasn’t an easy day for me with all those people around me, and all that was happening around me. Several things had me dysregulated.

Knowing that Y is planing on going to Canada and travel with the guy I like, but still hasn’t told me about it. Makes me wonder if we are really friends or if something is going on behind my back. I need a lot of transparency because of my trust issues so if she would have just told me about it, it wouldn’t have made my mind go crazy trying to figure out what is going on.

Seeing the guy at the aprés ski party talking and socialising with all the girls, getting their instagram (like he did before the yoga session with everyone accept me, even the ones whose name he couldn’t even remember. The only thing he said to me was if his food was ready soon. It just makes me feel like there’s is something so bad about me. Like two weeks ago or so when I was sitting in the café talking to one of the boys from work (who sat right beside me) he said good morning mate how are you? to him then talked a bit with Y, and then started making himself a tea. The tea was litterally right infront of me, but he didn’t look nor speak to me. Not until he came and ordered his food. I’m trying to tell myself that I may not be as bad as it makes me feel, and try not to think too much about it. Everybody stayed after work and partied together and had lots of pictures talken in a photobooth, which makes me feel sad that I left without having a drink with them first. But that was entirely my decision because I was really tired (still doing a lot of overtime) and didn’t want to stress my body too much.

The guy I was with earlier this year is in a new relationship. With a girl he knew from home before moving to Europe and wanting to settle here. All of his stories are about them going on dates. I stopped looking at them because it just makes me feel bad, because he never did any stories on social media with me. He is a great guy and the most stable guy I have had in my life, but after going home his life continued in a new direction and he kinda forgot about me. I know this is normal but I feel like a lost a very dear friend as well. He did wrote me about the world cup in football asking how I was doing and that he was rooting for my country. It made me happy to hear from him but sad when he didn’t reply to me asking how he was doing.

I’m going home for Christmas but am worried about seeing my sister and brother in law, I have very bad anxiety attacks being around my sister and the will probably be staying with us for a couple of days, which makes it that much harder because I can’t get away. We also have a family gathering after christmas eve and I’m gonna be (as always) the only single person there. Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year it’s so magical and it’s always been hard that I’ve never tried spending it with someone special. Having had my hopes of a relationships broken before december three times now. So I struggle to really get in that holiday spirit.

I’m sorry your mother also acts like that. It is the hardest thing when having to deal with a person like that, that they aren’t like that with everybody. Because then no one will believe you and it leaves you alone with the pain and isolates you more. At my brother in laws 30th birthday party I was soo anxious, he has four siblings and they were all there with their partners and they still had there jobs. I was able too have fun though, talking a lot with his siblings and the conversation actually went as if we had been friends for years, that really surprised me. But then my sisters behaviour of such a loveling and caring person and they way his parents was talking about her like, who is this person? Do I really know he? when saying goodbye I couldn’t get myself to look her in the eyes I just looked down and said goodby and so joined my dad. A week later my dad got a phone call from her, she and his parents had noticed my behaviour and said that it would have consequences, I probably wouldn’t be welcome in their house again and I wasn’t going to be invited to my sisters birthday two months later. I was shocked. It was a very strong reaction in my book, and I got reactive and yelled (for the first and only time at my dad) He threathen to leave the family saying he didn’t want to have to deal with us children and all the problems anymore. I broke down crying and walked out of the hours and stayed away for hours walking a field. No wonder I am really sensitive and always trying to read people and assuming that they think bad of me.

Your right I’m not a bad person for saying no to her and think about myself also. Boundaries are really hard, but neccesary cuz I don’t have the health to deal with her anger anymore.

Sorry for the once again long rant.