Hello Anita,

Very sorry for the delayed response. Last week was again pretty painful with a bunch more of memories rushing back to me. And this time I think I’ve got a hunch of their motive for inflicting pain on me. I think that they hated me for calling them out for their wrong-doings towards me and hated me for my values and convinced themselves that I was a self-righteous, judgemental person who deserved to be bullied.

“my perspective almost disappeared and the perspective that she confidently and angrily presented to me- took hold.” – I’m happy to finally find someone who understands what I felt exactly. The anger they displayed with extreme confidence, without an ounce of guilt on their face, was what made me question the reality and end-up in a spiral of self-doubt. Because, normally(or atleast in my case), the one who has done wrong to someone else, would be humble and show some signs of guilt; confidently expressed anger is an emotion expressed by the one who was hurt, not the one who inflicted the hurt.

I’m very sorry that you were bullied by your mother(someone who was supposed to protect you). Hope you are healed now and in a better place. I have an emotionally abusive parent who failed me too, and he played a role in one of my workplace-bullying incidents. One night, as we were leaving the office, my teammates were bullying me as usual, but this time in front of my manager. After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore and left their side. They later started badmouthing me to our manager, thinking that I’d already left. They didn’t know that I was nearby listening to them. Each and every word of theirs’ against me pierced sharply through my heart and I felt extremely hurt. They kept badmouthing me for a while and I kept controlling myself from crying, but soon enough, my Dad came to pick me up and called out my name(my Dad’s workplace was nearby and he used to pick me up after work). The moment I saw his face, I burst out in tears and my teammates saw me. I cried for a while sitting beside him and then Bully B(my then Team Lead who also played a huge role in bullying me, who later left the company after a few months), came to me to apologize to me(on being forced by my manager). I was too hurt to even look at her, and told my Dad to send her away as I didn’t want to talk to her at that moment. But my Dad tried forcing me to accept her apology, and I insisted on not wanting to talk to her. I then told him that I wanted to leave, but he kept insisting that we stay for a while more and could leave only if I told him what happened(still wonder why he was so adamant on not leaving). I gave up on leaving(my first mistake) and explained him the whole situation while crying in between. After a while, I saw him exchanging glances with bully Y. At this point, I was super pissed that my Dad was in cahoots with them. I felt betrayed by him and angrily walked away towards our vehicle, and waited for him to come. My Dad then started speaking to my teammates(I couldn’t hear what they were talking because I was standing far away). After a while, Bully B came to me and said with a smirk, “Your Dad is also on our side”, and walked away. I felt extremely hurt and betrayed, that MY Dad, who was supposed to protect me and take my side no matter what, sided with my bullies. This was the first betrayal I ever experienced from my Dad and felt heart-broken(there were many more later and I finally realized that my Dad is emotionally abusive). Wanting to have a serious talk with my Dad, and knowing that he wouldn’t take my feelings seriously, I kept the keys of our vehicle with me. My Dad then came back to the vehicle and the rest of my teammates stood stealthily behind me, which my Dad already saw, but didn’t tell me. I tried to initiate a conversation with him and asked him, “You are MY Dad, you are supposed to be on my side. Are you on my side or their side?”. To which he didn’t answer, as I already expected, and started trying to evade the conversation, invalidating my feelings. I then said that the vehicle keys were with me and that I’d not give them back to him until he answered me. He again started mocking me and demanded for the keys, trying to evade the conversation. This time, my teammates who were hiding behind me, listening to everything, also joined in on laughing at me. Bully Y had this smirk on his face which indicated that he was looking down on me. They walked away, and I was left in extreme emotional pain and disbelief. I then threw away the keys I was holding in my hand, out of intense emotional pain and anger, that my Dad had betrayed me, and walked away and got on a cab. I then started getting calls from my Dad, which I ignored. Immediately after, Bully B called me and started lecturing me on how “wrong” and “disrespectful” I was, for throwing away the keys and walking away on my own. She then told me how my Dad was planning on calling the police because he was worried for my “safety”. I was scared that the matter would get out of hands if my Dad involved the police, so I answered the next call from him, asked him to apologize to me and got off the cab to go with him. I asked him about what he said about me to my teammates, and he replied that he didn’t say anything(a lie which was confirmed the next day), which I believed naively.

The next day, Bully B decided to record me secretly about what happened after I left the previous day and started interrogating me for the details. She wanted to use this recording as a cop out in front of my manager, for what they all did to me the previous night. They wanted to justify their actions by making me look as the bad guy for throwing away my Dad’s keys and walking away on my own. That isolated incident would “prove” that I’m “that kind of person”. I immediately saw that she was trying to record and I decided to fish for the truth too. I don’t remember the whole conversation properly, but this is how it went(her tone was quite condensing and judgemental throughout the conversation) –

Me: What did my Dad say?
Her(unwillingly shared): He said that you are a “difficult” child at home too and that they too have a hard time dealing with you. He said that your mother is “vexed” with you.(she also told other things he said about me, but I dont remember much details).

(I was utterly shocked and felt betrayed that my Dad actually said all these false things about me to my CO-WORKERS and MANAGER, and then lied to me that he didn’t say anything!)

Her: See, I was right about you. Whatever I said yesterday about you is all true, your own Dad had justified that. I was not wrong in saying those things about you.
Me: Then why did you apologize? You apologized to me, that means you feel guilty for what you said.
Her: I apologized only because I felt “pity” towards you, because you were crying. Our Manager asked me to do so.(I couldn’t believe that she was thinking that she was somehow superior to me and that her “apology” was an act of “charity” towards me)
Me: You did it because you felt guilty. If not you wouldn’t have come to me later saying,” Your Dad is also on our side”.(This is how I think even now, I think my Dad’s words about me made her feel justified for treating me that way, and she dusted off her guilt. I request your thoughts on this, Anita)

Me: What happened after I left in the cab?

(Turns out that my Dad played the victim in front of them and seeked help from them to find the keys, though I threw them right beside the vehicle; thereby making me out to be the bad guy)

Her : Colleague X helped your Dad to find the keys. Your Dad was very “worried” about you when you left without saying. You were also very wrong for throwing away your Dad’s keys. You are “disrespectful”, “ill-mannered” and “difficult”. You shouldn’t treat elders that way. Colleague Y is “disgusted” by your behaviour.
Me(very triggered by now about Bully Y’s opinion of me) : Who is he to judge me without knowing anything about my relationship with my Dad? He should look at himself before pointing fingers at me. I clearly remember the smirk he gave when I was crying. I’ll never forget that!

At this point, I was very triggered by the fact that they were taking things out of context and looking at my reaction towards my Dad as an isolated event, rather than as my reaction towards his betrayal. I was angered by the fact that Bully Y felt entitled to judge me and look down on me without seeing the whole truth and solely based on HIS idea of what was right manners and what was wrong manners. I felt extremely hurt that they were twisting the whole incident in a way which portrayed me as the “bad guy” and the rest of them as the “good ones”, when in reality “I” was the victim. I also felt that my perspective was unheard and suppressed. No one wanted to understand how strong the feelings of betrayal were for a daughter, who was back-stabbed by her own Dad. I was again labelled “that kind of girl” by Bully Y. Interestingly, another Bully C, often threw profanities at his mother, but Bully Y was never “disgusted” by his behaviour, neither did he look down upon him. I still never understood these double-standards.

Bully B was one of the main bullies, who inflicted too much pain on me. As long as I remember, I was always depressed during the time she was still working there. Yet, according to bully X’s words, my abuse was not “as bad as” what he went through at the hands of another colleague.