Dear Anita,

Thanks for your kind response.

Paying for therapy or for that matter covering any other big expense is not a problem for me, it is the least help I could do. Even educated People in my region are not aware of what therapy is nor in a state to be convinced that therapy can make a huge positive impact. I myself never cared to know about it when my girlfriend suggested it to me in the past. So it is very difficult to make my wife understand that she came from a very conventional family. Yes, things like therapy are unknown to many(eve if we live outside Asia)

“How do I make her understand that unrequited love/interest is not good for her or me in the long term and that we should get separated as one year is enough time for me to try and fail to get feelings for her?…I’m looking to see how I can make her understand the importance of her own life“-

My intention behind this is to see the possibility of helping her mind rather than just ‘paying’ for a treatment that is very easy and small thing to do for me. Also, one reason is that she thinks breaking the marriage means an end to her life which is not the case. The marriage we are talking about here is only a celebration/tradition a year ago and living together under one roof talking like friends/roommates. She may be feeling dependent on me and scared to let go of the marriage due to various stigma factors and fears of facing life alone. She also says she loves me and that the marriage should not break at any cost. The marriage is just in papers. While I do understand her emotions I cannot accept that form of love neither in a state to continue doing this mistake of not being able to reciprocate any feelings.

I wish she understands this but as you said I may not be the right person to make her understand, however, turns out I’m the only persons she is interested to talk to and she keeps requesting love.

Regd my screenname, yes I need to heal a lot and I also regret the fact it is my mistake to agree to marriage before healing /handling myself thinking that time will suppress my sadness that evolved from unmet expectations of my life.

I do want to help her but that’s definitely not with my love which doesn’t exist in the first place.

I’m open to any other suggestions.

Thanks a lot for your detailed and more compassionate and genuine response, Anita, I really appreciate you taking time to go through my post again. I’m adding my replies in italic below

“I come from an Asian background living in the west“- I know that psychotherapy is more common in the west than in Asia, and that there are plenty of therapists of different ethnicities and nationalities in the U.S, Canada, etc. Since you said that you live in the west, I figured that psychotherapy is more of an option for your wife (and for yourself).

it is not a case of the availability of therapists, most in my culture don’t even know therapy is a thing so we don’t take it seriously.

“Arranged marriages are quite common in our culture and marriages don’t necessarily happen after a deep understanding of another person“- it is true that marriages don’t necessarily happen after a deep understanding of another person everywhere in the world. I am not saying this with the intent of persuading you to remain in the marriage, only to point to the reality that in the romantic context, people often inaccurately project so much into the other person, that they only imagine that they understand the other person as he or she really is.

I told this to tell how fragile the foundation was for my marriage, I know it’s my mistake.

“I have been in a relationship with my girl for almost 10 years and we had our usual ups and downs/misunderstandings leading to some distance btw us“- there was some trouble in the relationship during the 10 years and at the end of the ten years. (I’ll refer to your girlfriend of 10 years as G, and to the woman you married as M)

“Due to some very private reasons and unexpected sad situations I had to take a hard decision to marry someone else thinking it will do good for all of us and remove myself from the tough equation/very tough circumstances of life“- you thought that it will be good for G if you married another woman… this means that G was suffering in the context of her relationship with you and that you were suffering as well, in the same context.

Yes, I did hurt G on many instances but she never left my side except to distance herself physically temporarily due to the tough circumstances which I was also the reason for partially yet significantly. the only major suffering I had with G was that physical distance but I have to admit that I realized that’s not a real problem for the relationship in the bigger picture. 

“I have to confess that I still love my gal and she does as well no matter what“- judging from your use of the present tense, you are presently in contact with G.

I’m not in active contact, I stopped contact just before my marriage (I didn’t tell her that I’m married but she got to know later), of course, she never wanted me to leave her but she was stuck with her own pain from few of my wrongdoings and her circumstances. she is in no way persuading me to come to her or cursing me for my mistakes. She always tried to understand me and loved me unconditionally .she had her fair share of troubles and pains (partially caused by me)and took time to heal herself from all the damage that I also caused.

“I did tell her from the first meeting that I’m not fully into marriage and that I would need a lot of time to get any kind of love to her or it might take a lot of time“- that’s what the parents arranging for marriages tell their adult children: Love-will-take-Time… So, no wonder you said it to M, and no wonder M accepted it.

Let me be frank here, I knew I was not looking for any love from this marriage or any other girl except G but I think I have considered marriage as a way of diversion or to fill some void in my life, also peer/family/society pressure that I’m still single etc. overall, I thought that this step could bring some sort of a change in my stagnated life for which I was frustrated as G was not ready to follow my timeline.

“But soon after I got married (arranged marriage), I realized I made a big mistake as I could not feel anything for the girl who is in my wife’s place now… My heart and soul are still with my other girl and no change in her also whatsoever except that we had a few misunderstandings due to tough circumstances“- soon after the marriage, you abandoned the idea that Love-will-take-Time, and in your loveless misery, you minimized the troubles in the relationship with G, and imagined that it was better than it was.

I never actually looked for love in any other girl other than G, the detailed answer above, its more like I jumped into an unknown pit of fire.

“I confessed to my wife (feels strange to even write this) that I don’t love her and that I want to get separated“- you confessed to her that you still don’t love her. I imagine she thought something like: he needs more time, Love-will-take-Time!

May be

“The problem is that she is unable to digest that and keeps saying that she loves me and that we should try to continue the relationship“- faithful to the tradition of arranged marriages, she is hoping that her love/ need for you will encourage you to.. give love and marriage more time.

May be

“I can see that she may be having some cultural shocks /societal pressure etc. not to go out of the marriage“- this is why I suggested a psychotherapist of the same culture!

yep, but she has no idea what it is even laughing at the thought of it, I can understand as I myself never believed in therapy nor I knew any details about it. I almost mocked G when she said she was taking therapy. 

“I do understand that I did the mistake of marrying her without having feelings for her or healing my own heart alone but I don’t want to continue doing that mistake for life-long“- I understand, but you will have to pay for your mistake of marrying her, to somehow compensate M for your mistake.

Yes, I agree but in any other way other than continue being her husband

“She knew that I still love my other girl and still tried to convince me to live with her“-you are blaming M here, saying that she knew that you loved another woman… but your marriage with M was not a love marriage but an arranged marriage, and ..  Love-will-take-Time is what lots of people say in your culture, so no wonder she accepted that you loved someone else at the time.

No, I’m not blaming M at all, I meant that I just told her that my heart is not with her maybe the way I have written is portraying a wrong meaning, sorry!

“I can just divorce her but I’m feeling morally responsible to convince her that this marriage is not good for her which she is unable to accept or digest“- what you are saying here, paraphrased, is: I am a good guy, so I am not going to divorce a woman who doesn’t want to divorce me,  I am going to divorce a woman who does want to divorce me!

“I myself never cared to know about it when my girlfriend suggested it to me in the past… Yes, things like therapy are unknown to many (even if we live outside Asia)“- but G suggested therapy to you, so it was not unknown to her.. and she is of the same culture as you and M, isn’t she?

G is very broad-minded, more knowledgable, and open to learning new things, lived in the west for many years( so has me but there is a difference in our personalities and how we perceive things in general, ) and she herself has helped many of her friends going through tough situations. but when she was hurt she took therapy as a last resort during which  I took this very wrong step in my life. I didn’t consider her healing or therapy serious as she was taking her own time.

M though educated is not very aware of things like therapy ad is a bit limited in her knowledge or learnings.

“The marriage is just in papers“- did you not have sex with G at any time during the first year of the marriage? In that case, the marriage was not consummated, and in some religions, a marriage can be quickly undone for that reason alone. Was your marriage never consummated?

I never had sex with M. Like I said before it was just a friends-living-under-one-roof kind of relationship. it was the same even before I absolutely had no contact with G

Assuming your marriage was consummated through sex (and please correct me if I am wrong to assume this), I will continue:

“Paying for therapy or for that matter covering any other big expense is not a problem for me, it is the least help I could do“- then do it, pay for quality therapy for M and compensate her otherwise for going back on the following choices that you made already: (1) to enter an arranged marriage, (2) to consummate the arranged marriage, (3) to resume- or maintain- contact with G, and for the choice you are intent on making: to divorce her.

“So it is very difficult to make my wife understand that she came from a very conventional family. Yes, things like therapy are unknown to many“- did you try to explain to your wife the importance of psychotherapy; did you offer it to her?

“She also says she loves me and that the marriage should not break at any cost… turns out I’m the only persons she is interested to talk to and she keeps requesting love…. I do want to help her but that’s definitely not with my love which doesn’t exist in the first place. I’m open to any other suggestions“- I think that you are looking for an easy way out of the marriage: to psychologically manipulate M to want to divorce you, and you are looking here for tips on how to accomplish this.

I’m looking to come out of this in the most compassionate way possible. I don’t think I’m looking to manipulate M here as I have never treated her as a wife, never expected anything from her nor used her for my benefit except agreeing for the arranged marriage, the reason for coming here is that I’m unable to handle this guilt as I discover that i can no longer offer what is expected of me in the marriage. 

I fully believe that you regret marrying her, I understand that there were difficult circumstances that led you to go the arranged marriage route, but I also believe that you need to take full responsibility for the choices you made (1-3, listed above), and for your intended choice to divorce her, and then proceed to divorce her-  not the easy way, through psychological manipulation- but the ethical way: the difficult, costly… yet ethical way.

I know as on moral grounds and ethically, I need to serve my marriage but still after one year, my heart is not coping with the reality and obvious consequences of my decision which I think is still a moral way of thinking.