Dear Katrine,

she called my mom and got really angry that we didn’t drive the two hours down to celebrate. But we had already celebrated her birthday so we didn’t see any need for us to do it again.

Well yes, earlier she said she didn’t invite you to the party at her place because she would celebrate separately within the family circle. And then she got angry at you and your parents because you didn’t come to a party to which you weren’t invited in the first place?? Wow, that’s something! That’s some serious manipulation. It cannot be explained away by her being in pain or anything like that. It’s pure manipulation, if you ask me. It’s abusive.

How did your parents react to  it? Have they still tried to excuse her behavior?

I have to deal with a lot of feelings around betrayal when it comes to her. She even tried talking my parents into having my cat put down (I’m a huge animal lover) she has allergy so the couple of times the would come to visit we had to clean the entire house and keep my cat in another room. But she didn’t like that.

That’s quite heartless in fact. Because you did clean the house before she arrived and put the cat in another room. But it wasn’t enough – she wanted your cat to be put down. It shows she has no empathy for you (or the cat). Very selfish and cruel.

All this tells me, Katrine, that your sister has strong narcissistic tendencies. Whatever the cause is (whether her illness or something else), it seems to me that you were subject to narcissistic abuse by your sister, and your parents were her enablers. They excused her narcissistic abuse and accused you if you protested. You were put between the rock and the hard place – nowhere to go, nowhere to get compassion and understanding.

She [your mother] is still in denial about a lot of her behaviour (exactly like I was) making excusses for her behaviour.

Your parents excused her behavior, and they conditioned you to excuse it to this day. They didn’t defend you, and that’s why you believe that nobody cares about you. Because the two most important people in your life didn’t care about you (I mean, they behaved like they didn’t care about you – that was the net effect of their behavior, even if they didn’t mean to hurt you).

And the third most important person in your life – your sister – was abusing you. And you had a mean grandmother too, who told you that having a bird pet constitutes animal abuse! So there was no one in your family to protect you.

No wonder you have such a strong anxiety and believe that no one cares about you. Because it was unfortunately true for your immediate family. You were a collateral victim of your sister’s illness and her narcissism. The problem is that your parents didn’t recognize the narcissism, and attributed her behavior to her illness. And so they became her enablers.

Your father seems to be still enabling your sister, i.e. accusing you and excusing her. Whereas your mother is now at least willing to hear you out:

My mom is listening way more to me now. She is still in denial about a lot of her behaviour (exactly like I was) making excusses for her behaviour. But she has started showing more understanding to my situation

So your mother is still in denial about your sister’s manipulative behavior – she is still excusing it. But at least she shows some empathy towards you, unlike your father. That’s good. You can tell her (when you’re alone with her) that you find your sister’s behavior manipulative. As a glaring example you can mention your sister’s birthday: that first she didn’t invite you and then was angry when you didn’t show up.

So you may try to talk to your mother and help her see how your sister’s behavior is very selfish and manipulative (regardless of what caused it). And you can tell her it has hurt you a lot over the years, and that you don’t want to excuse it any longer. And that’s why you’re keeping your distance. You can then see how she will react to that – whether she will keep defending your sister, or will realize some things.

I’m gonna take your advise about dealing with my sister. I am only going home for a few days and I don’t want to spend them dysregulated and anxious

Yes, try to not take your sister’s comments to heart – be like teflon. Don’t feel bad about yourself, even if she tries to make you feel bad or provokes you. It won’t be easy, since you still have some healing to do, but make the first steps. Try not to be upset by her nastiness and her sense of entitlement – rather, expect it, be prepared for it, and don’t react to it. Stay calm as much as possible.

You can post here and tell us how it is going. I am rooting for you, Katrine. And I too wish you pleasant, as calm as possible holidays, centered in yourself, in the knowing that you are a good and loving person, and that your worth doesn’t depend on what your sister thinks and says about you. If it helps you, you may repeat to yourself “I am free from her influence”, or simply “I am lovable, I am free”.