Dear Natie:

July 2, 2021: “I am the eldest child and so if I got a bad grade at school my mom would be really sad and I felt like I had to write a letter to her to apologise“-  I used to feel so very disturbed and guilty when my mother looked really sad, or upset, or angry (and she often was these things). I wanted to make her feel better right away, and I would have done anything and everything to make her happy… I would have climbed the tallest mountain to make it happen, but there was no mountain to climb. I tried in the small ways a child tries.. and I failed. I used to dream about becoming rich and famous and making her very rich… I thought that big, flashy things will make her happy

“Or when my siblings were growing up, I was always up till now, uptight and worried that if they stayed out all night, they will cause problems at home, so I kept calling and chasing them and felt it in my bones because if I didn’t there will be a fight at the house between my parents”- I remember just that one fight between my parents (they divorced when I was about 6). It was dark and there was screaming and yelling and threats and commotion. It was the scariest night of my 6-years of life.

I lived with guilt for decades: as a child, as a teenager, and as an adult. Guilt ruined so much of my life, I missed so much that others got to experience: a sense of togetherness with others; times of belonging, of love and happiness.

If you want to talk more about guilt, if you can relate to what I wrote here, please let me know. Otherwise, like I wrote before: I do wish you well, dear Natie!

anita