Hey Caitlyn
Meditation is probably the best way to work with negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are a result of so many different things in our lives. Quite often a lot of them aren’t even ours, we are conditioned by the media, advertising, parents, friends etc. We usually don’t really know which thoughts are ours and which aren’t. Also a negative state of mind can be increased by cultivating a lifestyle were we are exposed to negative things e.g. Violent movies, too much news, gossip etc. Like it or not, all these things will have an effect on the subconcious mind to the point were we walk around in a sort of negative haze.
The key is to start to work with our thoughts and become aware of them. Sitting in meditation we can begin with practice to observe the rise and fall of all our thoughts. How we get addicted to ruminating, making up stories and fantasies, imagining ‘worst case senarios’, making up conversations in our heads with people of things we wished we’d said, dwelling on the past and sitting in that pit of misery of things that have happened, remembering how we felt, worry about what will happen if we do’t get grip, becomes obsessed if someone doesn’t tell us the whole truth about something.
The difficult truth to hear Caitlyn is that you can’t change someone, you can only change yourself and your approach to them. If your boyfriend wants to continue to lie to you about his life, then that is his path and his journey. You have to decide whether that works for you or not. I know that is tricky to hear, but the only thing you can do is to work on yourself. When you start to live in a place of truth, maybe it will rub off on the people around you, or maybe you will decide that you want to be around more truthful people. The inquiry approach is also good. Also yourself honest questions…….if he did tell you the truth about something and you didn’t like the truth, how would you react? Sometimes when we react in a less that balanced way about the truth of a partner, that partner can ‘learn’ not to offer up truth in the future. I’m not saying that is right, but he’s how we protect ourselves.
If you want to let go of the past, then work with being in the present. Sitting in meditation you constantly bring your mind back to the present, back, to the present. We realise that it’s nothing but wasted energy living in the past or the future. Be gentle with the process, if you find yourself getting caught up in the past simply ask yourself the following questions ‘where are you?’ ‘what are you doing?’ ‘what are you feeling right now?’. By dropping into physical sensations in the body, we become present.
I’m also wondering around forgiveness. Can you work with forgiveness around him lying to you? Of course that’s a call you would need to make, but letting go also has to include forgiveness and making peace with whatever happened.
The key thing is Caitlyn, is that none of this is easy. There is no quick fix for working with the mind, it takes work, constant daily work and committment to yourself. But it is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Being gentle and compassionate with yourself, not judging or criticising when you aren’t able to stay present, just watching it all unfold like a movie on a screen.
I wish you the very best with strength and love on your journey.
x

Hi Caitlyn

I agree with the above comments, other people’s behavior is beyond our control. However we do have the power to try and understand other people’s behavior – I often find that trying to understand why people act the way they do leads to greater compassion towards them.

Why does your boyfriend not want to talk about his past, or his current problems? Could it be that he is ashamed? Could it be that he worries that if you were to know these facts, you might not want to be with him any more?

Also, men in our society are often ‘taught’ to hide their feelings and emotions (I recommend that you watch this video (http://www.ted.com/talks/tony_porter_a_call_to_men.html). Does you boyfriend behave how he does because he thinks that that is what men should do?

I have a growing appreciation for mindfulness. I think rather than trying to remove your negative thoughts, try to recognize them when they happen, and ask yourself why they are happening. Let these thoughts guide you to an understanding of your underlying concerns about the relationship.

Warm wishes

Jemima