Dear Crystal:

You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation and kind words.

“About the bathroom breaks… I’ve seen two instances before where a person I was working with asked for a bathroom break but was denied… the supervisors are never around. They come once at the beginning of the shift and once at the end… But then they yell at the employees in front of everybody, staff and patrons alike“-

– the supervisors prefer to not stand “outside in the freezing cold“.. they stay warm somewhere, sitting down, maybe having hot (or other) drinks and eating snacks. The way they control the employees in their charge is by occasionally getting out into the cold, so to yell at employees in front of everyone, scaring and shaming employees into submission. It is much easier to yell on occasion than it is to stand out in the cold for hours.

Did they succeed in scaring and shaming you? Let’s see: “I feel horrible… I can’t stop shaming myself and feeling like I did indeed make a disastrous mistake… I’m unable to sleep or feel restful. The guilt and shame levels have crossed my eyeballs. I’m worried… I’m angry at myself… I’m not able to forgive myself..“- yes, they succeeded, more than they’d  normally succeed with other employees (because, like you said: “This hits me harder because I’ve always been the model child and the ideal student”).

“And as I walked out of the designated staff area, that jacket was recognised by a supervisor. He questioned me and I completely froze… Tears welled in my eyes and I started shivering. He took me to the main supervisor who was wasn’t too harsh but…  made me write my name down on a ‘sign out sheet’ before I left… I felt so scared and singled out for what he might do with that name. Report me maybe or stop assigning me shifts“- I don’t think that anything will be done with your name on the sign-out-sheet because what the supervisors wanted to do, they already accomplished: they could see your fear and tears, so.. their mission of scaring-and-shaming you was accomplished.

“I keep holding myself to the standards that are expected of ‘ideal’ members of society… If I’m not being recognised for doing the right thing, I immediately think I’m not living up to the authority figure’s expectations“- the supervisors are not motivated by what is ideal or right or just. They are motivated by having an easy and comfortable “work” experience for themselves. To achieve their ease and comfort, they scare and shame employees. Although the supervisors are authority figures in the context of this specific workplace, they are not authority figures when it comes to work ethics or humane ethics.

What authority figure or figures, if any, should you value and look up to, Crystal?

anita