Dear Dave:

I read your recent posts and re-read the previous. The following are quotes from what you shared and the thoughts that cross my mind in regard to the quotes. It doesn’t mean of course,  that my thoughts are accurate, complete and balanced: my objective is, with your help, to get to a better understanding of your situation, which you say is “baffling” to you. (With better understanding, you can figure out what’s best to do next).

“she often compares me to my father which I find infuriating…I find the comparison extremely infuriating as I don’t view myself in that way”- she often makes this comparison because she is often angry at you: she knows that making the comparison infuriated you before, and she wants to infuriate you yet again.

“The whole situation is just baffling to me… our situation is a result of just growing frustrated with each other, ‘huffing‘ as I like to call it through life”-  “huff: A fit of anger or annoyance” (the free dictionary). The anger in the marriage is on her side and on yours, at this point. But how did it start…?

“I was inexperienced in living independently, and she had already done it for a number of years, and just seemed to have her sh!t together… having spent most my life basically having my a$$ wiped for me living with my parents“-

– it is possible that what triggered your intense emotions when you met her (“When I met my now wife I was consumed with a wave of emotions that I had never felt before… I immediately called my best friend and told him I’d met the woman I am going to marry”) was the image of her being that of an independent, strong woman: one who you can rely on, one who will take care of things.

“I can be lazy and she often compares me to my father which I find infuriating… and admittedly I have times where I can be lazy, unmotivated… she feels that I can be lazy, sarcastic, unmotivated and show a general lack of initiative… she does lead on most things in terms of planning and organizing. I always say that’s just not my thing, and you’re really good at that part, whereas for me it causes me stress and anxiety”-

– she leads on most things in terms of planning and organizing but she is angry about it. She figuratively points her finger at you and calls you: Lazy! Unmotivated!.. Follower (not an initiator)… Unacceptable!

If she pointed her finger at you first, and you reacted with sarcasm, then her anger came first.

“We share the household chores and I do more than my fair share around the house and with childcare etc., I would say it’s as close to 50/50 as you can get… It’s the lack of initiative and sarcasm that she finds draining, and she explains it’s really tough to remain positive and want to be close without passion, and in her eyes the passion comes through a drive to be a great person and someone who wants to get things done and also has a positive outlook on life“-

– you do more than your fair share around the house and with childcare, etc., but it’s not satisfactory to her. She would like a man who has “a drive to be a great person”, not.. you. She doesn’t think highly of you, does she?

anita

we spoke further at length yesterday about our situation and my pain in the above summary. Her thoughts and feelings I can understand in some way, she feels that I can be lazy, sarcastic, unmotivated and show a general lack of initiative, almost like I have given up making an effort to keep the excitement and passion in our relationship. For this reason she explains it is difficult to connect with me and me affectionate and intimate. Like if I am not make an effort to remove some of her feelings above then when would she want to be close or intimate with me. I totally get it and can see her side, I know I haven’t been a good enough partner and she does lead on most things in terms of planning and organizing. I always say that’s just not my thing, and you’re really good at that part where as for me it causes me stress and anxiety. This isn’t fair to her really I see that after our chat last night! Most of the time it feels like a catch 22, I have to change things to draw her closer to me. I also feel that I would make more of an effort to do that if the closeness and affection was there in the  place, so I’m sort of stuck if you know what I mean…

We share the household chores and I do more than my fair share around the house and with childcare etc, I would say its as close to 50/50 as you can get.