Hi Anita

Thank you for sharing your story with me, it is thought provoking.

Returning to the aspect of guilt for a moment.. regarding the more recent event of my father becoming unwell..

In the preceeding 6 months or so leading up to his mental health breaking down, I had noticed him becoming a little less motivated, a little withdrawn even. At the time I was also in a position where I had become increasingly frustrated of running around after and looking after everyone, work included. I’d stopped from support work to working in a special needs school supporting children with considerable needs, the class I was in the children were all non verbal, had mobility needs, had behavioural issues etc. It was very full on and I thought it would be a good role for me. The people I worked with were great, apart from the class teacher, who I found very frustrating as he always felt unwell, was injured, or was just leaving us to everything and sitting back doing ‘admin’ in the main office. I was finding the role quite difficult as it was so intense and I became just as upset and frustrated with work as I felt at home.. Going back to where I mention above of feeling frustrated, upset, angry even of lofe at home. For as long as I can remember my parents have always visited for the day 2 to 3 days each week. When my boys were younger it was a great help and support as it enabled me to be able to work a few days a week, and gave my boys a kind of father figure (in my dad) as their dad only saw them one weekend every few weeks (his choice). In the last few years, and now my boys are that much older, my parents have continued to visit 2 or 3 days a week (and have continued to join us when we go on days trips or on holiday). They’d stay for several hours at a time and I’d provide lunch and evening meal, and try to think of something, anything we could do whilst they were here as my boys were in their rooms or out with friends/at college etc. I was frustrated about the time they spent round at mine, I tried to change it, but it fell on deaf ears. My dad would say, ‘Well you’ve got the boys, so it’s easier if we come see you’, ‘I’ve arranged it so your mum and I didn’t do anything on the days we come to see you’ etc.. I tried expressing my frustrating in as calm and kind a manner as I could to my mum in the hope that she would be able to help my dad to understand. But she just agreed with me saying she ‘knows they come round too much, but that’s just the way you’re dad is, I get cross with him too’. She never said anything to him.

I became a but snappy and sought to escape the house for walks alone when they visited. Each time my dad said ‘oh I’m really sorry we can’t come over on Tues next week’ I respond saying, that’s okay, you don’t have to come over, one day a week is plenty and we could always pop and see you instead of you always coming here’ to which he’d never reply with anything more than an ‘hmm’.

I return to the mention of guilt.. when my dad fell unwell and the deterioration of his mental health picked up pace, I partially blamed myself for not wanting him and my mum to come round as much as they were, I felt guilty that I’d pushed him away and it was my fault. That guilt still floats in and out of my mind, I know it was a combination of things that led to his breakdown, but a small part of me feels I was part of it.

I did everything I could to support him whilst he was at his worst, and in the early days of him being home. I’ve let go a bit now that I know he has psychological support on board each week now, and that he is making small steps to recovery. But that sense of loss for me is great, and the guilt sits right beside it.

With me being in a vulnerable place, I latched onto A. I knew from day one, probably as I did with all my partners I was with before, that he wasn’t right for me, he spoke as the others did, all about himself, his work, his alcoholic dad leaving him when he was young, his partners cheating on him or leaving him.. the ‘poor old me’ scenario, the ‘I need to be needed’ scenario.. the victim.. and I step into care/support/mother mode.. If I care/support/meet their needs, then they’ll do the same for me.. but they can’t. I attract the wrong guys because I’m attracted to those that ‘need’ me.