Dear Dafne,

you are very welcome. Thank you so much for your kindness and appreciation!

I’m someone who believes in giving second chances but I feel that sometimes I give too much.

The problem is that I am always trying to see the good in a person and find the excuses for their behaviour. Maybe deep down I am afraid of a rejection. I suffered a lot of emotional pain in my childhood and same pain came back as I started dating men (which was really late, in my 30’s). My dadd was mostly cold and absent from my life but I never wanted to blame parents for my difficult dating experience.

Well, the thing is that our childhood experience with our parents affects us so much in every aspect of life, specially in the field of romantic relationships. If we had a cold and emotionally unavailable parent, we tend to be attracted to people who are similarly cold and unavailable, in hope to finally get the love we haven’t received as children.

Also, it could be that you found excuses for your father’s coldness and absence (that’s what we always do as children). And so now, you tend to find excuses for the poor behavior by the men you are involved with? You even feel sorry for them (I felt sorry for this last man as divorce is never easy). It’s very similar to how you as a child felt for your distant father, I assume – feeling sorry for him, finding excuses, even blaming yourself for his lack of love?

Also I could not understand why he did not want to keep in touch and see how things will progress? It was his way or no way at all.

I could understand that he did not want to meet me in public as they could accuse him of adultery etc.. and he could pay more in divorce. The thing I did not understand is why he did not park in his building’s parking but 2 streets away and had to walk all the way back?

Well, I think you couldn’t understand because you wanted to believe him. Even if his behavior was deceptive (parking his car 2 streets away from his apartment), you didn’t see it as something fishy but you just went along and trusted him. It’s not your fault – we tend to have blind spots when we have emotional wounds from childhood. That’s why we don’t see those red flags…

He told me that he needs the closness and even only a kiss would be fine for him to feel better.

He tried to manipulate you into kissing, and then from there, he would have proceeded to touching (because he said he wants cuddles)…

He got a hug instead and this was not enough for him on a first date.

Hug wasn’t good enough for him, because hug is more of a friendly gesture, and he didn’t want to be friends with you or develop any kind of emotional intimacy. He only wanted sex.

Some of the dating advices (and woman I know too) say that NOT kissing a man on a 1 date is a very bad thing and most man will not want to see you again (even if you hug him or say that it is too fast). Is that true Tee?

No, it’s not true. In fact, a lot of dating coaches view dating as an interviewing process – you see whether you are compatible, whether you share the same values and ideas about the future etc. Kissing on the first date is absolutely not a must. And if the guy breaks up with you for that, well, good riddance! You’ve dodged a bullet, as they say.

Does it apply to separated men too? And shall we always accept it and if not, how to refuse it to not hurt his feelings?

Yes, it applies to everyone. Separated men also need to go through the “interviewing” process with you. Perhaps even more than someone who was never married and doesn’t have children. Because being separated and having kids is complicated. You need to ask all sorts of questions. And perhaps yes, ask for divorce papers relatively soon in the relationship, to know where you stand.

You refuse the kiss by saying something like “My rule is no kissing on the first date.” It doesn’t matter if they get offended. You don’t owe them anything. If they start guilt tripping you, feeling sorry for themselves, or telling you how much they like you, you can calmly repeat “I am sorry if you feel disappointed, but I am not kissing on the first date.” So you just re-instate your boundary and stand by it.

I avoided dating for a very long time. I really lost my trust. So I only kept men who were willing to remain platonic. I’m guessing it was a way of protecting my heart. Then I opened it again and got painfully disappointed again. I really lost my trust.

I think your request for platonic love is your way of saying “I want to be seen as a person, not as a sex object.” You need the man to be interested in you as a person, and you miss it because the most important man in your life (your father) wasn’t interested in you. He was cold and distant. You need someone to really see you and appreciate you for who you are. Would you say that’s true?