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Painful relationship…feeling very sad

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  • September 5, 2013 at 1:15 am #41789
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi eeveryone, please take sometime to read this and tell me if im to blame and if im a problematic person……thank you…
    Been with David for 5yrs, all we seem to do is argue and breakup, he wont communicate on issues that worries me, he seems to think all is fine what ever worries me, and im overacting and ungrateful.
    I do everything at home to run the household, my bf only contributes to a small amount for housekeeping money, I work from home. He never appreciates anything I do for us, if I want some help from him its always have to be arguments. Im really sad cause we broke up so many times and he moves back to his mum…after ive cooled down I go and call him, once we get back all is ok, he helps me and is the kindest guy ever.

    Even my grown up son has noticed this pattern of breakup and makeup. im really drained and have no confident anymore, My bf knows that I care for him very much, but I don’t know if I truly do anymore cause ive stopped being intimate with him for months now, ive become rebellious, not doing the things I use to do for him, ive got so much anger in me that I start to damage his stuff and I hate myself, I feel bad cause he takes me so much for granted when I try my best for us, he just does not care or give me any encouragements in what I do, we didn’t have a house so I had some inheritance cash which I built a house with, he didn’t even care to invest anything in it for us both, I have to do everything, he just goes to work, come home and chill, he does things for me only when he feels like helping.
    My son has been telling me off cause he sees how my bf is taking me for granted and he doesn’t have any responsibilities as the man of the house.

    Yesterday we had a bad argument over same issues and he threw it in my face that his ex wife was a better woman to look after him, even thou he said she cheated on him numerous times. I got mad cause my son could hear all this as he was shouting, so I told him to leave, he packed and went to his mums.
    Honestly my self esteem is zero, im hurt, sad, because of all these things spanning nearly 5rs now. same problem same outcome. weve broken up countless times and even thou he says he loves me, he just doesn’t show it, only for a few days after making up, he will take me out and be the nicest guy to me, after that he goes back to his old ways.
    If im hurt, im ill, im down, he just does not care, he makes as if he never notices any special things I do for us, will never acknowledge it, makes me feel worthless for any efforts.
    Don’t know if I really love the guy or if im scared to be alone?? we are both late 40s, been married and divorced. iVe also had 3 failed long term relationships in the last 10yrs, same kind of story.
    I use to be a happy and outgoing person before I met him, now im so paranoid, scared, even when people tell me im pretty and stuff I feel they are just making up stories as my bf rarely tells me nice things. we never plan anything as a couple, im just home 24/7, cook clean, work, that’s all.
    I want to find the real me again, I don’t know how tho…I use to be happy and full of life, nowadays I live like a depressive person, cant sleep much, sad, scared and don’t have much of a plan, he knows too much how I feel and he seems to relish on the fact that he controls me. Hes even said to me that im to blame for all the bad things in the relationship, cause if he was to blame I would not come looking for him after we break up, maybe he is right, maybe im addicted to his ways of making me feel worthless and then he will tell me he loves me very much and im the only woman hes ever felt this way with….??
    Honestly I don’t even know if I love him or why im addicted to him, sometimes he wil want to hug me after an argument but I push him away, im drained, got too much bad feelings about everything inside me, whatever concern I have I know its pointless to tell hi, he will just not care about my views or concerns, hes got this mentality that everything he does is right and I am just looking for problems with him.
    One example, I talked to him about sorting out our finances at the end of the month to pay bills and stuff, its been 4yrs and he will not do anything about it, he just gives some mone and that’s it, we don’t talk about how our money is spent, he will not even tell me how much money he earns, of if hes got savings, whereas im open with him about everything, we live together yet all his financial documents are kept at his mums address, that’s a big issue for me as well, I feel he has something he is hiding, I try talking to him about that saying that it makes me insecure, and we are a couple, so far hes not shown any changes, he doesn’t care.
    I just want my old self back, and I don’t know how to go about it. Now his family will think im a crazy woman for tellin him to leave, he will tell them that ive kicked him out and hes not done anything, that im crazy. even his family don’t talk to me.

    Any advice please.

    Kadija

    September 5, 2013 at 4:51 am #41797
    prettylilly
    Participant

    Hi Kadija,

    I read your story, I sympathize with you and feel your pain as i went through a similar situation and now in recovery mode (getting over the break up)

    I have come to learn a few things,
    1. We are where we are by choice. You have chosen to stick around. You sound sad and depress and unhappy with no enthusiasm for life. So what are you going to do about it? stick around longer and watch and see how nothing changes? or leave, pick up the peaces, figure out who you are and what you what out of life.
    2. He is the way he is because he chooses to be. He may give a a million reason to why he cant change or why he is the way he is yet he wont put the same energy or effort into changing his ways.
    3. Your child is more important. Don’t ever allow any one to disrespect you in front of your child. NEVER. Think of the pain your son feels when he sees it. How would David feel if someone disrespected his mother in the same manner. Have dignity. Love yourself, Who is he to speak to you that way?
    4.Don’t have pity on yourself or be the victim. It is what it is, but it doesn’t have to be this way any more. CHANGE. Be courageous. Imagine your son in your shoes… What would you tell him.
    5. Be courageous. Don’t force a situation or relationship that just isn’t working out. Let it go. He wants a mother to look after him not a partner to share a life.

    You will find your happiness, you will find your peace of mind. And most of all you will find a love that you are happy with. But i highly suggest you find yourself first.

    Read what you wrote and you have your answer right there. For once follow your mind and not heart.:-)

    September 5, 2013 at 5:35 am #41803
    Matt
    Participant

    Kadija,

    I’m so sorry for the self doubt and despair you’re experiencing, and can understand how painful those feelings are. Sometimes we invest so much of ourselves into our relationships that we forget to invest in us. To be frank, it sounds like you are in a relationship with a narcissistic man. You’ve come to the plate and offered all of yourself, and what he offers is just enough to keep you caring for him.

    Relationships can be so much better than that. Consider picking up a copy of Pia Mellody’s book “Facing Codependence”. I think you might really benefit from reading her skillful and heartfelt words. Especially if the man you’re with now is similar to men you’ve been with in the past… you may be ready to move on and enjoy a relationship with someone who gives back.

    One of the main messages of the book has to do with understanding boundaries. What they are, why they are critical for relationships, and what happens when we don’t use them. Most of what you describe sounds to me like you’re making his actions about you. As though there is something faulty inside you that creates the conditions of your relationship. That is partially true, but from the way you describe it, your fault is only in not putting your boot fully into his bottom and getting him out of your life.

    Consider for a moment that he doesn’t actually care about you. If someone would give him a robot, without feeling or desire, that would cook and clean and pay his bills… I think you’d be out of a job. I mean this with deep respect, sister, and only wish to see you free from such a draining and thoughtless partner. Said differently, his previous wife was batter because she cared for him better. Doesn’t that raise some big red flags? That perhaps he is self involved to the point of only seeing what you give him and not you?

    The question becomes, what has happened to the inner Kadija, the sparkly goddess whose happiness and laughter spread joy to herself and everyone around her? Aside from the leech of a man sucking your joy, there must be a break in your self esteem that would lead you to subject yourself to such abuse. Pia Mellody addresses some of that.

    Consider spending some time self nurturing. Perhaps take a bubble bath, go for a walk in nature, spend some time with your long neglected hobbies, stand in front of a mirror and call to the inner child and ask her to play, go buy yourself some flirty underwear, listen to soft music, start some meditation practice… any activities where you do it for you. Remind your body and mind that you know how to be kind and gentle with it, and that you matter. Consider that because you’ve been hearing from your partner(s) that you don’t matter, which is because of their selfishness, that its up to you to show your body and mind that you do matter. As we self nurture, the energy comes back, and we help our body become happy again.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    September 5, 2013 at 7:06 am #41808
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Matt
    Thanks for taking time to read and reply, I will purchase the book you have recommended, for sure I have been neglecting myself because of the trauma of this relationship, I had to keep proving myself to him all the time. In the end I am stressing myself so much and I hated myself for feeling this way, at times when we argue he threatens to leave me and at some point I cry and beg him to stay, I don’t even know how I got to the place im at now to let someone walk all over me and than he will tell me he loves me a lot.. Basically I was holding on to the small thread of happiness he send my way now and again,
    The worst is whenever I want to talk to him about something he makes it out like im a fool, he does not want to hear about anything, its not his problem.
    Countless of times hes thrown in my face that ( why u stay with me if I don’t treat u right??) he goes that I bring all this situation upon myself, that I never appreciate what he does for me and so on….which I have to beg him to do anything for me, yet I help him in any way I can.
    The worst of all is lately I have been thinking that I am the bad person and I am to blame for this situation, but my son whos in the same household goes to me that my bf is really irresponsible and hes just taking me for a ride and thinks its cool, cause I let him do this to me instead of kicking him out of my house.

    now hes gone and I want to rebuild my life. I know I will need help as all of my relationships have been with the same kind of guys and the same pattern.

    September 5, 2013 at 7:19 am #41809
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi Pretty

    Thanks for the reply.

    Sorry to hear you are going thru the same kind of situation and u are slowly recovering.
    I am trying my best to put this all behind me as I know deep in my heart my bf never really cared about he, he was just using me to boost his ego, as I said I use to be a bubbly and outgoing person, ive changed to a paranoid and scared individual, I don’t think anything good about myself, today its the first time in months that I cared about my appearance and look in the mirror to reveal a truly beautiful lady staring back at me, I would always hate what I saw in the mirror, scared because I looked ugly from the stress and worry on my face.
    Yes it is hurting my son to see me unhappy, today he said to me, mum I will do my best to help u any way I can, but please don’t let him back in your life. these words lifted my heart cause I know there are people who cares about my well being.
    thank you for taking time to read my long post and to reply.
    My only wish is to find myself and regain the happiness I have lost throughout these 5 yrs in this relationship.
    K

    September 5, 2013 at 1:50 pm #41817
    Matt
    Participant

    Kadija,

    There’s no need to beat yourself up for falling into an unhealthy relationship. Buddha taught that when we are born, we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find balance, peace and health. We only have a few basic instincts, and the rest we have to learn. Most of our difficulties come from our parents and teachers, who learned it from their parents and teachers etc. This doesn’t make you a bad person, just an ignorant one… which is normal and unavoidable. Its actually very freeing to throw our hands in the air and say “what the heck is going on here?!?” because it naturally opens up our mind to change.

    If you take stock: You’re letting yourself get walked over by a doofus. His manipulation has dug deep enough that you even think its something wrong with you. Because you’ve let someone walk over you in such a way, there must be some pattern in your “life strategy” that needs addressing. OK, easy enough. The information is enough… the additional “I am such a dummy for this” or “there is something wrong with me” or “what a needy person I must be”… etc etc etc… its all garbage, unneeded, toss it out.

    Our ignorance is fundamental, but also impermanent. Said differently, your problem has a solution, and it will help a lot… because now that you’ve seen how painful it is the other way, hopefully you’ll jump swiftly into a new technique. That’s really all that is needed to find our way… the courage to grow and change. And you have it, so huzzah! Pia Mellody’s book (I think) has the strategy you’re needing. Dive in, check it out, and be patient! You’ve had many years in the old pattern, so it will take time to shift. One of the most important things to give to yourself is gentle patience. Think of how you taught your son to walk… it wasn’t “dumb boy, why do you stumble”… it was gentle and encouraging. Now its your turn, dear sister. Hold your hand gently and remind the inner child how it feels to be tenderly nurtured by a loving mother. That’s who you are, its in your nature. As you stop sending that nurturing to someone (ex) who doesn’t give it back, and instead turn that attention inward, it won’t be long until you feel the love and light again. Namaste.

    With warmth
    Matt

    September 5, 2013 at 2:26 pm #41819
    prettylilly
    Participant

    Hi Kadija,

    Weldon you are already on your way to recover ” today its the first time in months that I cared about my appearance and look in the mirror to reveal a truly beautiful lady staring back at me”. This is new for you, this is a realization that you have come to after so long. This is a big step.
    Everyday do something good for yourself as little as it may be from getting a facial to eating a really healthy meal.
    Focus: Look at your beautiful son telling you he will help you. Look at the way he cares for you. Focus on him, transfer the energy you would put into your ex back into your son.
    It is very hard i know, I was in my relationship for 8 years. I feel your pain. Though i have accepted what i thought could have been and should have been is no longer the case instead i will focus on the future and imagine a happier life for myself.
    Being down this road of recovery i want to tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Finding yourself will be the best experience you will have in your life. One that may save you from bad relationships in the future.
    If you have issues from the past seek counselling. Be true to yourself 100%..
    Do not think you are a bad person, by doing this you are only giving yourself an excuse to justify his wrong doings. He did love you, he did care for you but what you lacked was that you wanted him to put in as much love and effort as you were putting in. Don’t ever think less of yourself.

    steps to finding yourself:
    Here are a few things that have helped me

    Get the movie ” the diving bell and the butterfly”. And extremely moving movie about life and death. It will inspire you.
    Keep yourself busy. I have picked up walking again, i walk and hour every day. It makes me feel amazing also toning my body.
    BREATH, Meditate. Start small. Every morning. Try something like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aglh1EoAgGE, i follow one by Gillian Ross called stress away stress. Its amazing how good you feel.
    Meet new friends. I posted an add online and i come come a cross a bunch of great girls.
    Do something new everyday that will help to build you, from reading a book to going to see a movie or trying a new recipe.
    Give yourself a little bit of time everyday to be sad over it. Then slowly from 20 mins cut it to 19mins and then 18 etc, baby steps.
    Put value into yourself.
    You will make it.
    By the end of it, you will be stronger and wiser. Focus on that.
    YOU WILL MAKE IT. 🙂

    September 6, 2013 at 3:42 am #41836
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi Pretty

    Thanks again for the support, I went ahead and ordered a copy of this movie u suggested on dvd, looking forward to watching it. Your encouragement has really help, knowing other people do care when one is going thru sadness and pain.
    Everything keeps playing back and forth in my mind, didn’t have a good night sleep, was just thinking how naïve ive been to put up with this for so long. Im trying not to blame myself, but somehow I slip and making it tough on myself by thinking maybe I didn’t communicate enough and got too angry with him at times, I don’t know, I am a cool person but can get angry at times when he takes me for granted, he would sometimes try to make the peace but I would carry on with the anger,
    I think its something I have to sort out with a therapist, im making some enquiries to see a counselor next week.
    Its real that all my relationships end the same way and I date the same type of guys, man who at first treat me like a princess but after a few months the same pattern emerge, I see all the red flags quite early on but I stay and hope things will change, in the end I get so messed up and start hating myself and believing that no one will want me and that there must be a problem with me. I am very insecure because of past hurts. I keep going back and forth in the same relationship even tho I know its not good for me and all my family and friends tell me so…I just feel I need to have someone in my life, good or bad, and I seem to attract all the bad guys. all my relationships tend to have so much drama, guys who are not honest, guys who thinks I should be grateful they are with me and they are the best I will ever have and I fall into this trap in believing im never good enough. I feel this way cause the guys ive been with before after the relationship ends they go and meet other people and they settle down… is the problem with me then? My bf use to tell me im too sensitive, I take things too personally, I fight over small things, I get angry over minor issues and I keep going on and on and rewind the past too much… Yes when we argue I get angry cause he will not acknowledge anything I say, he behaves as if im stupid and I get mad at him, I know I must change the way I deal with conflicts as I get angry easily or shut down completely.
    I am very ashame to say that when im angry and frustrated with my bf I get into a state were I thrash his things and fall into fits of tears, I don’t know if things get too much for me cause I feel im somehow depressed with all this situation and its not easy for me,
    I don’t know if im punishing myself too much to think I was a bad person, and everything that’s happen is my fault, or maybe I always look for relationship with men whos got so much issues???
    I always talk to my bf about things that worries me but he don’t seem to care or he just shifts everything on me saying and I get frustrated and this is when the problem starts.
    Sorry im just going on and on about all this, typing and reading helps me to understand what is going on in my head. to express how im feeling, maybe get more advice.

    Kadija

    September 8, 2013 at 9:12 pm #41896
    prettylilly
    Participant

    Hi Kadija,

    I just wanted to check up and see how you are doing?
    How is the progress into finding yourself?
    I am sure you have had bad days but do you feel as though you are progressing?

    September 8, 2013 at 9:12 pm #41897
    prettylilly
    Participant

    Hi Kadija,

    I just wanted to check up and see how you are doing?
    How is the progress into finding yourself?
    I am sure you have had bad days but do you feel as though you are progressing?

    September 9, 2013 at 4:52 am #41907
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi Pretty
    Thanks for checking up on me, I am slowly taking hold of my life, its not easy, since yesterday I have gone into blaming mode, keep blaming myself and finding faults that maybe its me and not him, its kind of scary that even though I know he didn’t care enough to make it work, im still blaming myself,

    It reminds me of last year we broke up at the same exact time, 1st week of September, we had argued and then he left for work and never contacted me until the new yea,r 4 months later… he called me saying how miserable he was and he wanted to see me, I was miserable too and we kind of got back together, he was so kind and treated me nice, after few weeks he seems like he just switches into a silent mode, like hes not focusing anymore.

    I don’t know but I have this feeling my bf is not over his ex wife, I have this gut feeling that he just cant get over her even though he wont accept it, he gets angry everytime he talks about her, if she calls and wants something done he will run and do it, whereas with me, he takes things too much for granted when I ask him for help. His ex wife has remarried and moved on in her life, its been 6yrs since they broke up. Im sure he should be over her by now, but it seems like hes not???
    Sometimes I feel this is the reason why he is not free in this relationship with me, he seems to be stuck or blocked, sometimes he will show his feelings but other times he is like a stone. Its tough cause he will not talk about things that bothers him, he will give me the silent treatment and this brings on an argument.
    My bf is more confident talking about his issues to his mum or friends, this is somthing I have noticed, 5yrs together and I know very little about him, its like hes always hiding something and it makes me insecure and scared.
    On Wednesday im going to see a therapist, I just need some perspective into what is happening and to help me sort out my life as I keep repeating the same kind of relationships.
    And how are you dear? hope u are feeling better?

    Kadija

    September 9, 2013 at 4:37 pm #41969
    prettylilly
    Participant

    Hi Kadija,

    Good for you for taking the step and wanting to go to therapy. It is important for once and for all to pull out all the issues from the root and not the surface.
    The blaming game. The only reason you are doing this is you are trying to justify why you should take him back or excuse his ways.
    The saying goes “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”. He wont change his way. Your instincts are not wrong. Please do not hold on to the fact that he may call you again in months to come telling you he is unhappy.
    You need to make both the conscious and subconscious decision to let him go and accept it is what it is and i need to move on.

    As for me i am doing rather well. I have not given myself any other choice but to do well and stay strong. I have stopped playing the victim and pitying myself and have made the conscious decision that this was not healthy any more and i need to find the strong women withing me and stand tall. I keep myself busy everyday. I exercise, meditate and tonight i will be going to my first meditation class with a new friend i have made. He contacted me last week, well sending me a txt saying how much he misses me and thought about me and believed i was his and he mine. I didn’t reply, I had nothing to say. So i just left it. This was a big step for me, i didn’t give in nor did i want to. It is all about accepting it within yourself and realizing this isn’t for me.
    I feel at peace. i also changed my number today. That was liberating. To make a disconnection that big.
    Stay strong. Be the women that you would want your daughter to be

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