Dear Dafne,

you’re most welcome! I am happy you found my message comforting and that you started to look at your life from a new perspective.

I’ve spent past few days by myself. For the first time I didn’t run away from my own thoughts and feelings but just sat there and let myself feel everything.

Great! I am glad that you spent time self-reflecting, feeling your feelings and staying present with them…. that in itself is so healing, Dafne!

One of my biggest challenges is to make my own decisions. I am always afraid that I will hurt a person or that I’ve said or done the wrong thing. That’s why I always ask for someone’s advice. I am afraid of rejection.

Tee, how do I brake that pattern and why there is so much fear behind any romantic decision (eg. replying a simple text message, talking on the phone or analysing my every move and regretting that I could do it better)?

When we were not loved properly, or only conditionally loved, we fear rejection. We believe it’s our fault that our parents rejected us (which is not true!), and we try everything in our power to be perfect (to say the perfect words, send the perfect text, do things perfectly…) – so we wouldn’t be rejected. I think your worrying about what you said or did is a part of that same attempt – trying to be perfect so that the person (your father) would finally love you and accept you.

You break this pattern by learning to love yourself more… We can talk about the methods how to do it, if you’d like to.

He thought of asking me for a drink but then decided not to as I am looking for something more serious. I told him that I’m also afraid of men as much as he is afraid of women but still would like to try and in the worst case we stay friends. His reply was that he thinks that I deserve someone special and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. It all seemed very honest.

Well, in the paragraph above he honestly told you his intentions: that he isn’t looking for anything serious. That’s why he didn’t reply to your text. He also told you that he doesn’t want to hurt you (by his selfishness) and that it’s better you find someone who can give you what you want. And he told you it’s not him.

He also told you he doesn’t want a relationship right now and doesn’t want to be seen with you in public:

It turns out he signed the divorce papers but doesn’t want any relationship right now and is not ready to go out.

However, you still wanted to keep communicating with him, probably hoping that he’d still want something serious, eventually, i.e. that he would change his mind, right? And so you invited him to an exhibition, to which he immediately invited you to his place. Since you said yes, he decided to try his luck again and get to you to have sex with him. So he texted you the same evening to come over to his place. He wasn’t interested in the exhibition, getting to know you etc. He tried to cut corners and get you to sleep with him – on that same night!

By the way, I am sure he wouldn’t have invited you to his place if his son was really asleep in the other room. That was a lie. Same as probably what he told you about divorce papers – this could have easily been a lie too. Because he still doesn’t want to be seen with you in public. So it could be that he is still very much married….

He was very disappointed and said that if I do not want to come to his place then he doesnt want to go to the exhibition.

Here is your proof – he is not interested in any exhibition. He only wants one thing…

I really would like to give him the chance but don’t know how. Shall I just call him and say that I will come on the weekend but earlier? At what point shall I tell him that I won’t accept the casual sex but I can accept a bit of romantic closeness (say it in the car or when I get to his place)? How far is too far?

I understand that you want to give him a chance – it’s the little girl in you who would like to believe that the man she loves (her father) will eventually love her back…. That’s why you want to give this man a chance, even if he clearly told you that he’s not interested in a relationship, that he’s not interested in anything serious and that he doesn’t want to be seen with you in public.

Dear Dafne, this man can’t give you what you want, and he told you so. He doesn’t want to get to know you and see you as a person. He is the antithesis of what you really want… But the little girl in you would want him to be the fulfillment of her dreams… Please, stop contacting this man and focus on healing yourself and your inner child – on giving her what she really needs.

I wanted to see him but my fear was stronger. And my friend advised to go another time, but bit earlier and when the son is not there. Tee, what do you think of her advice? I thought it is better when his son is there as he might be more careful.

I am glad that your fear was stronger. This man would have hurt you. It’s good that you didn’t agree to go, but it wasn’t necessary to invent an excuse (such as that your car broke down). It is absolutely acceptable to say No to an invitation to a man’s place at 9:30 pm. You would have been in the same situation as last time, only now he might have been more insisting. And I am almost sure his son (if he has one) wasn’t sleeping in the other room…

And yes, you’re right, I want a man who sees more than a sex object in me. Someone who is interested in me as a person. Maybe it takes time Maybe he can open up slowly? Is there any way to know?

It’s good that you’re clear on what you want: someone who is interested in you as a person. This man unfortunately is not like that. He is the antithesis of that. I hope you can see that now…

I hope this wasn’t too much to hear, Dafne, but this is the truth. You deserve a man who will really see you and care about you. This guy isn’t that. You deserve so much better, and you can have it too. You just need to do some healing before, so you can stand up for yourself better and not be tricked by selfish men.