Dear Dafne,

yes I am still here 🙂 Thank you for your kind words!

I am glad he wasn’t pushy and didn’t insist on having sex, which is what I was concerned might happen if you go to his place again. So at least he seems safe in that respect.

He is not a traditional type like me. Being just friends is not enough as there is too much attraction between us but also he is not ready to offer too much emotionally.

Sure, you don’t need to be just friends with him – after all, you want a relationship, right? The problem, as you see it too, is that he is not ready to offer an emotional connection and emotional intimacy – which you said is paramount for you. You said you don’t want to be treated like a sex object – you also want to have an emotional bond with the man you are with.

This guy told you from the get-go that he is basically only interested in a sexual relationship. He told you he had great sex with his wife, and he misses that. Well, if he only needs sex, there are women out there who provide such services. Sorry if this is rude, but yeah, this is what I think about his attitude. Why would you put yourself in a position of a sex provider for him?

I know for sure that I won’t accept another invite to his home without going out first. Also, I think it is better to not contact him first and wait.

Good! I hope you can stay strong and not be manipulated into another visit without going out on a date with him first. He promised to take you out on a date, so let’s see if he can keep his promise. And yes, I think you shouldn’t contact him first, but wait till he is willing to ask you out. If he wants to meet at his place again, I’d refuse, with the wording I suggested last time.

Tee, I’d like to ask you to advice me what would you do next? Shall I tell him that I do not want to have any intimate activities without a relationship?

Hmm… I think that he already knows your conditions, which is that you don’t want him to use you for sex only. I think he understands that already, because you told him more than once. Last time you told him again: But I explained that I want more than sex and it is too fast.

But he is nevertheless trying to manipulate you, because he sees your weakness and insecurity. You did agree to go to his place for the 2nd time. And he might think you’ll be willing to go again, and perhaps go all the way. He is probably hoping for that.

At the same time, I don’t want to scare him away with my demands too soon.

I am afraid you’re not seeing this clearly, Dafne. Demanding that he shouldn’t use you for sex only isn’t too much to ask. It’s the bare minimum if you want a relationship.

What is the best timing to say it and how to say it?

If he calls you next time and tells you he wants to meet at his place again, perhaps that’s when you could clarify things one more time. You can tell him something like: “[His name], I can’t keep seeing you if you don’t want to take me out and get to know me as a person. I need a proper relationship, I can’t be intimate with someone who only wants me for sex.”

What other question shall I ask to bring him closer emotionally?

Well, if you tell him the above (that you want a real relationship, not just sex), you’ll see how he reacts. If he is dismissive and tells you he is not ready to open up emotionally, that’s your answer. As Roberta said, you don’t need to push him to open up emotionally. Instead, you should stop pursuing him, because there is nothing he can give you. Nothing that you really need in a relationship.