Hi Jalene,

Thank you for your response. I would normally speak with my girlfriend about any issues I have with our relationship. The reason I am granting an exception here is because I’ve researched people who face a similar situation to my own and what I’ve learned, is that in almost every case, talking with a partner about these feelings causes more issues. It can feed the obsession by giving you more details of the event, and it tells your partner you are insecure, which is generally an unattractive trait. I don’t want to scare them off 🙁

She’s also presently doing her finals for College, so I don’t want to give her any more reason to be stressed. It’s deeply upsetting that I can’t speak to the one person I would like to speak to this about.

I also wonder about the nature of obsession – say I did ask her how important this experience was – would it put things to rest, or would I find something else about the event to obsess over? The nature of my obsession has definitely changed since I first experienced it. At first, I was worried about my own performance – that I couldn’t “deliver” the kind of pleasure that this experience did. Now, this detail doesn’t particularly bother me. Then, it was the notion that she would have done it again, which I have now put to rest. I would like to say that this question of how important it was would be the very last obsession, but to be honest, I could not tell you.

I’m presently trying to get used to the idea of uncertainty. Yesterday, I stumbled upon a helpful means of thinking about this, though I have been struggling to stick to it. Proposing this was an incredibly important event, formative in my partners sexual development, something which brought her and this couple she’s friend with closer together – consider the present. Now, they don’t see each other for it to not be a little awkward for her (she’s awkward around every friend she doesn’t see that often). The conclusion of this experience was that she decided she wanted a relationship – or it reaffirmed she wanted a relationship – and this would lead to her finding me. It’s true that she wanted one beforehand, but this didn’t change her course in any way – or perhaps, having slept with a couple, she was shown the connection she was looking for. If this wasn’t an important event, the outcome is still the same. Regardless of these details I’m obsessing over, the present is what it is, and here, this event seems to have no percievable bearing on anything.

Thank you for sharing this Buddhist story, it’s certainly very relevant here. In a cruder sense, I have heard another sufferer of this kind of jealousy express the following: “by obsessing over your girlfriends previous partners, you invite them into the bedroom with you”. I have hoped that through thinking I might be able to give myself peace, but it’s possible that letting go is the only option.

Harry