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    Hello both of you, I hope this message will reach you both. In the end, I did decide to speak to my girlfriend about the situation. It brought us closer together I felt, and we had a very nice day together.

    To put it frankly, it sounds as though my girlfriend was at a different point in her life, in which she was somewhat depressed and trying to “feel something” by having casual sex. She told me she felt empty afterwards, and this particular liason – the threesome thing – was not great. This is enough to ease my feelings for now, though I must admit, one person whom I know she did it with is kind of triggering to me. I just do my best to remind myself it was not important, and given it was two years ago, it is well in the past. This still involves me accepting somewhat that my girlfriend has had better sex with someone else, but I doubt she has had a better partner, from what I’ve heard, so this seems somewhat unimportant by comparison. Even so, how good can an experience be if it leaves you feeling empty afterward?

    Unfortunately, the following weekend me and my girlfriend met up again and when she got a little too drunk, she started crying and said how she still felt I was angry at her… I wasn’t – in fact – I explained calmly, I never was angry at her, but myself. This seems to have put things to bed once more, but if I can be honest? I’m left with a feeling of dread. It felt as though as much as I tried to reassure her, she was still convinced somewhere deep down that I was angry at her, even though I never, ever said that. It sounds like she is dealing with her own mental baggage… I hope with time she will be able to move past it. Her finals are over at the end of this week, so perhaps without that stress, we can have some good times uninterrupted by this. I confided in a friend who believes it will all be okay, but I must admit I’m feeling scared for the relationship. I know every one is different, but this feels like a lot to be dealing with so early on. A part of me is honestly convinced that it is doomed, though I know I am catastrophising.

    Thank you both for your kind words and advice, they have been of great help. Jalene – a note on the insecurity thing. Congratulations on your realtionship, I can only hope to be so successful in my own love life. Part of my views on insecurity are no doubt informed by toxic masculinity, which I am not a fan of, but which has nonetheless been hammered into my ego through my upbringing. Sadly, a great deal of shame still follows my efforts to be vunerable. Recently I have confided in my girlfriend and a few of my friends about various difficulties I’ve had, and I feel doing so has only weakened me somehow, perhaps my image of myself. It is very strange.


    Hi Jalene,

    Thank you for your response. I would normally speak with my girlfriend about any issues I have with our relationship. The reason I am granting an exception here is because I’ve researched people who face a similar situation to my own and what I’ve learned, is that in almost every case, talking with a partner about these feelings causes more issues. It can feed the obsession by giving you more details of the event, and it tells your partner you are insecure, which is generally an unattractive trait. I don’t want to scare them off 🙁

    She’s also presently doing her finals for College, so I don’t want to give her any more reason to be stressed. It’s deeply upsetting that I can’t speak to the one person I would like to speak to this about.

    I also wonder about the nature of obsession – say I did ask her how important this experience was – would it put things to rest, or would I find something else about the event to obsess over? The nature of my obsession has definitely changed since I first experienced it. At first, I was worried about my own performance – that I couldn’t “deliver” the kind of pleasure that this experience did. Now, this detail doesn’t particularly bother me. Then, it was the notion that she would have done it again, which I have now put to rest. I would like to say that this question of how important it was would be the very last obsession, but to be honest, I could not tell you.

    I’m presently trying to get used to the idea of uncertainty. Yesterday, I stumbled upon a helpful means of thinking about this, though I have been struggling to stick to it. Proposing this was an incredibly important event, formative in my partners sexual development, something which brought her and this couple she’s friend with closer together – consider the present. Now, they don’t see each other for it to not be a little awkward for her (she’s awkward around every friend she doesn’t see that often). The conclusion of this experience was that she decided she wanted a relationship – or it reaffirmed she wanted a relationship – and this would lead to her finding me. It’s true that she wanted one beforehand, but this didn’t change her course in any way – or perhaps, having slept with a couple, she was shown the connection she was looking for. If this wasn’t an important event, the outcome is still the same. Regardless of these details I’m obsessing over, the present is what it is, and here, this event seems to have no percievable bearing on anything.

    Thank you for sharing this Buddhist story, it’s certainly very relevant here. In a cruder sense, I have heard another sufferer of this kind of jealousy express the following: “by obsessing over your girlfriends previous partners, you invite them into the bedroom with you”. I have hoped that through thinking I might be able to give myself peace, but it’s possible that letting go is the only option.



    Hi Helcat,

    My own sex life with my partner is going pretty much as well as it could, though she is currently stressed with her College work, and I am secretly stressed with this. I am open to exploring pretty much everything she’s interested in doing, and she’s told me I am probably the best she’s been with, though this was admittedly after confiding in her about my own insecurity around sex.

    She has also asked me if I personally would be open to a three way, which I would be. She’s expressed that she’d only want to do it once or twice, and probably not for a few months at least.

    It does raise certain fears for me yes, for one, I wonder whether I would not be good enough compared to the other person, or perhaps, come the actual event, I wouldn’t be as into it as I thought. It’s certainly intimidating for someone who has only been with two people individually before.

    You are correct that a loving relationship is clearly more important to her than a three way. As strange as it sounds, I cannot seem to get past the notion that this three way may have been some kind of formative experience – something that her and this couple will share that will always be special to them. Maybe, in an individual sense, more special than any one time we have slept together. Even if we did have a three way with someone else, for instance, it would not be as special as the first time she did it.

    I can respect this is certainly something I will have to get past in the future. Say this relationship shouldn’t work out for any reason, and I’m dating again, it’s likely I’ll end up meeting someone who actually did have a fulfilling relationship before me, maybe even one they would have liked to stay in. My current partner, it seems, never did. In my mind, this event is the closest thing, though I’m sure in reality there were more meaningful sexual experiences in her past. For me, the reason for my obsession is that she’s still friends with this couple. The events that brought together my first relationship were a lot more idylic and romantic than this one – but I don’t look back too fondly because of the terrible way that relationship ended. Had things ended on amicable terms, and were will still friends today – as my partner is with this couple – I’m sure it would be a lot different.

    I understand that obsessive thought is often rooted in some kind of fear, but I’m not really able to work out what it would be in this case. Do I sincerely think my partner would leave me? Absolutely not. Do I think this three way was more important than our relationship? Not a chance. Back then, the idea of looking for a relationship alone was more important than this event. So what am I afraid of?

    Thank you for your kind words about my emotional maturity, it is much appreciated.


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