Dear Dafne,

I am fine, thank you. I do have some health issues, but I am managing, so it’s okay.

You’ve been so helpful again! I really like your suggestions for the vision of a dream man and also the example text you created

I am happy it helped you! Have you perhaps written your own version of your “dream man”?

Tee, you were right about this last man. Unfortunately, it got even worst than I expected. I’ve sent him the text 3 days ago and till now he did not reply at all! (left me on seen).

Sorry about that, Dafne. Sadly, I knew it would most likely turn out like that. He really isn’t interested in more than sex, that’s why he is not replying.

I can’t believe it. I’m not even worth a simple reply.

Oh you are so worth it! Only he is an inconsiderate, selfish man.

All the promises written in the sand. I was so wrong about him. I thought he is suffering after his divorce and needs time. Now I can see that he has not even the smallest decency to be a man and reply.

Yeah, I think he actually doesn’t know how to say it politely that he isn’t interested in going out with you and dating you properly. That’s why it’s easier for him to stay silent. He believes you’ll figure it out from his silence that he isn’t willing to give you what you’re hoping for…

As for his promises, it was just something he said to make you come to his place. Remember he said he’s only willing to go to the exhibition with you if you first come to his place. So all those “promises” served one goal: to get you to sleep with him.

My friend suggested to give him a final call in few days to have a closure but I’m not sure if asking for reasons over the phone is a good idea? Also meeting him at his workplace might seem like too much.

I don’t think calling him is necessary. If he picks up, he’ll probably try to manipulate you once again to come to his place. You don’t need to know his reasons – what you need to know is that he isn’t willing to have a serious relationship with you. That’s all you need to know. And he was very clear about that. And yes, if you go see him at his work place, he might view it as too intrusive (and it is, in fact). So no, please don’t contact him, don’t ask for explanations, don’t seek him out. Let him go.

Also, my friend found his profile on the dating site so I guess he is busy with other women. I believe that they are more easy going & carefree than me so it makes him more interested

Yes, he is seeking women who are more willing to have casual sex with him.

He told me that he is not looking for anything serious but on the webpage it says that he is not sure yet. Might be a way to attract more women?

Yes, that’s a bait. It’s rare that a woman would want to get involved with someone who from the get-go tells her he only wants her for sex. By being vague about it, he is increasing his chances to meet someone who would give him what he wants.

Maybe the sexual compatibility is more important to him than getting to know someone as a person first. Maybe that’s how the relationships start nowadays and I was not aware of it.

I don’t think sexual compatibility is what he is interested in, unless he is into kinky stuff, which he would have indicated on his profile. He is interested in plain old sex (sorry to be so blunt about it), i.e. in a woman who is willing to give it to him. That’s all. No mystery there.

And no, relationships shouldn’t start with checking each other’s sexual compatibility, because I believe that if two people love and care for each other, sex will come naturally. In other words, there is a high probability that they will be sexually compatible. It is the personalities that need to be compatible first and foremost.

Tee, how is it that some women go easily for casual sex and it turns into a committed relationship? And women who wait with sex are ghosted in the end?

Maybe they don’t go for casual sex, but fall in love and have sex pretty early on. And if they’re lucky, it’s a good guy and things progress into a committed relationship. I think it’s not that frequent that a woman is “cool” about having casual sex and doesn’t develop feelings. There are some women like that, but they are not the majority.

As for women who wait with sex, it depends how long one wants to wait. If she wants to wait till marriage – it has to be consensual. She has to communicate it with her partner. But if she wants to wait for a few months, or whatever time she needs to properly get to know the guy – that’s not an unreasonable expectation.

I think the worst is if the woman feels pressured to have sex, even though she isn’t ready for it and doesn’t want it. If you feel pressured by the guy or modern societal “norms”, and your heart isn’t in it, you shouldn’t do it.

Is there any way to know when is the best moment to start being physical with a man (and avoid being ghosted)? Some coaches say that it is not about sex on the 1 or 2 date but the emotional attraction you created before it happened. But how is it that those women create the bond so fast?

I agree that emotional bond is important. As I said above, what happens frequently is that the woman falls in love and is eager to enter sexual relationship too. If the woman is relatively emotionally healthy and can recognize a good guy, then chances are she won’t be disappointed and things will turn out just fine.

But if the woman has issues (e.g. emotional wounds), she might be attracted to problematic guys. So she falls in love with the guy, enters a sexual relationship with him and is eager about him, believing that he is “the one”. But the guy is actually trouble and doesn’t feel the same about her. Maybe the guy is just using her, or isn’t emotionally available and cannot really give her the love she is longing for. But she is in love with him and suffering…

What I am trying to say is that a lot of times when you think that someone created an “emotional bond” very fast, it can be that this emotional bond is one-sided, where only the woman has deep feelings and hopes for a long-term, committed relationship. While the guy is not that enthusiastic at all and sees the relationship more casually. (Of course, this can be vice versa: in some cases, the guy is the one with a deeper attachment, while the woman is flaky and avoidant). Real love requires two-sided emotional bond…

It is all a big mystery to me…

Yeah, there are no hard and fast rules. The best advice I can give you is to work on your healing, so you can recognize a good, decent guy, whose goals are compatible with yours. The more you respect yourself, the less likely it is that you’d tolerate lesser treatment and men trying to take advantage of you.

I regret that I let him be more than a friend. I was hoping that it might change something between us but it didn’t.

Be satisfied with yourself that you didn’t fall for his manipulation and slept with him. You weren’t really friends either – as he wasn’t interested to get to know you as a person. So the little that happened between the two of you cannot break your heart because you wisely decided not to give yourself to this guy. You decided well!