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to be met with disrespect…false friends

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  • September 10, 2013 at 8:10 pm #42027
    Helene
    Participant

    Hello! My name is helene. I am wondering about your take on disrespect. I have recently made what i thought to be a friend with common grounds at a forum. It turned out,it seems,to be incorrect. We talked well and seemed to have a connection and share, develope a friendship. Suddenly she tells me she was going to have an operstion on her hand that meant she could not write much. But would be online here and there, only for some short comments in the forum.(she happens to be an admin as well). She told me that recovery would take two weeks. Or so. I see her online posting answers in a row, for fith day a row, but cannot say even hi to me. I saw she was in the chat as well. This behavior is hurtful and i feel disrespectful. She told me she would be back after two weeks or so, and i said i understand. I write alot but ive always made clear i have not the same expectations of her writing as long. I told her if she could not write and wanted to talk we could skype. Well nothing just s short one before that. But she came online same day after her operation and said she couldnt stay away. And now this as said above. She even makes new friends! Shes been keen to treat me with utmost respect before. Now this. What csn i do? Shall i tell her straight up or let her just go and not talk more? I try not to be too hurt. But it did. What can be behind this type of behavior? I try always to be a good friend. Is this typical when you strive for the light? After what i know i have not done anything. Is this someone that played a game? What can you do to grab thiscand prevent such in the future? Thanks alot.

    September 11, 2013 at 4:14 am #42039
    cristy
    Participant

    Hi, I think you may be overthinking this. Be straightforward with her and ask her if she was ignoring you and no longer wants your online friendship. Its never good to hold in feelings but neither is it good to have bitterness towards someone. If you find she was ignoring you then she isn’t a friend, move on, there are better. If she has a reason and it sits well with you then accept it and continue on. No matter how a person acts its never about the other person its about them. The only way you can guarantee this won’t happen in the future is to know that other peoples actions are just– that other peoples actions. You can only control your own. Know yourself, what you expect, accept, allow, like and dislike if someone goes beyond your boundaries move on. There is no point in questioning them or making excuses to rationalize their behavior. I realize its easier said than done but in the end you’ll be happier. I hope this helps:)

    September 11, 2013 at 5:09 am #42040
    Matt
    Participant

    Helene,

    Its great that you’re striving toward the light, as you said, and working toward understanding. Sometimes people don’t feel comfortable enough to say that they need some space, and simply take it. Operation or not, hand recovering or not, her actions indicate that she wants to pause on the connection that you two have. As you reach for light, perhaps you can see that people need space to grow, and whatever the conditions are in her life, letting her have the space is good to do.

    Instead, however, you’re making this about you. “How could she do this to me?” This is understandable, and I’m sorry your feelings have been hurt. It would be wonderful if people were all strong and settled enough to be upfront with boundaries… but often times we are not, and communicate them unskillfully.

    This is an important lesson for people who dedicate themselves to a path of love. We can’t just love who we think they are, or who we wish them to be… as we learn to love what is, other people’s behaviors don’t challenge our peacefulness. Said differently, can you see how the interruption of your warm feelings for her is unnecessary? That if she needed some space, you want her to have it? Even if her trying to get some space was unskillfully approached?

    Consider doing some metta practice (many great “guided metta meditation” videos on YouTube). The reason we give warm feelings to even those who act oddly toward us is to free our own mind from agitation. If you can open your heart and wish well to your friend, no matter her decisions and actions, then you’ll be one step closer to unconditional love. Namaste.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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