Hi Helcat

Thank you, I did feel a little better at work today, sickness wise. Also thank you so much for the reassurance that I can always come here to express my feelings. It’s been really hitting me lately that it’s no wonder I miss my ex so much, I really don’t have any friends who I don’t feel will be turned off by my negativity and difficulty anymore. I understand everyone has their limit though, and he eventually did too.

I still feel like what happened was my fault and I don’t deserve better, unfortunately. All day at work my brain just kept replaying his words, “I guess it was wandering eyes… ” “I guess I fell for the visuals…” “Maybe?” (in response to me asking him if he just didn’t feel romantically towards me) OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I can’t stop this loop in my head.  “It doesn’t matter if he lost interest because you put too many expectations on him and he realized he couldn’t/didn’t want to meet them anymore, or if he wouldn’t have wanted long-term commitment in general – he literally admitted to you he lost PHYSICAL attraction to you and got bored! Humiliating! And he slept and flirted with you through knowing this til the end.” — That has been my internal dialogue today too. I do not think I could have chosen any better than I did with him, I saw no signs of avoidant behavior for several months, not until the breakup. To finally have someone show up for me and match my effort was insane. I don’t think it can get better than it was until something messed us up. I can’t help but feel I have some fault in why his feelings changed for me so drastically. It makes me really doubt my ability to ever choose better in the future.

Do you have any more thoughts about the denial stage of grief that you’re experiencing? — I’m just still in complete disbelief and denial about everything negative about him. My brain cannot fathom that he was ever manipulative, sexist, using me, or lying to me consciously. I can’t believe that he was a porn and weed addict, or that he chose these things over me in the end. I’m in denial about his words of reassurance and feelings for me, even after the breakup by saying how much I meant to him and how he couldn’t live without me/he wanted to stay best friends and how he said we’d get through this and figure it out together. Yet I’ve been ghosted for over a month. Clearly he’s relieved but it’s hard to accept that. It’s just really hard to process he was so detached. He seemed so proud of us as a team. I’m also still having a very hard time accepting he lost attraction for me. That makes me feel so sick to my stomach, so embarrassed and so used. He had me convinced he was healed from his player past entirely. It’s almost at the 2 month mark for the breakup already. But if he actually just lost attraction to me because of immature and shallow reasons and led me on, I shouldn’t give him so much grace because that’s cruel. I read somewhere today that if someone dumps you by blaming themselves and letting you down easily, they believe they are better than you and can do better than you. I’ve done it before myself at like… 20 years old and I broke up with the person as soon as I realized I was not into it the way they were. I’m just sad that he is almost 32 and had to learn this lesson with me at our age.

Also, thank you in regards to the thing about my friends leaving me out again. They all have very stable lives, very well paying jobs with husbands and babies and mortgages so they just cannot relate to my single and broke drama anymore. These are friends I’ve had since basically 2003/middle school. They invited me to their Halloween party next weekend and I have to work but if I can get off in time, I’m still debating on going or not. I don’t want to sabotage what I have left of them, but I felt really disconnected from them at our last get together.