fbpx
Menu

Stacy

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 63 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #427617
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I hope you are doing well. Just checking back in to say that I’ve been sick for the past two weeks on antibiotics and have also been out of work trying to catch up from home. I will respond once I can get settled back into my routine. I will be going back to work tomorrow.

    #426973
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    So kind of you to say you’ve been thinking about me. I’ve also been thinking of you and trying to gather my thoughts for your questions this past week. I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Have a good night.

    #426971
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I’ve been stressed with work and trying to keep up with my new responsibilities there, I apologize for my absence here.

    “Can you tell me later, when you have the time, what you think about the concept of toxic shame (did you read about it.. I don’t remember if we discussed it before, did we?). ” — Yes, we’ve discussed this at the beginning of my thread because you mentioned that my ex and I both have inner toxic shame in common. That the theme of his life seems to be shame, as does mine. Your explanation about toxic shame makes sense to me. I can see how much I’m beating myself up about this all – yet it feels equivalent to the issues I caused. However, I’m sure that I’m overreacting as well because it’s what I do in every area of my life. Hence why I don’t trust myself. I see that it’s not serving me; it’s not productive. I can’t hate myself into loving myself, but I can’t get over the fact that I pushed him away so hard to the point to where he even lied to me about wanting to stay friends after the breakup.

    “I hope that you don’t call him and apologize again and instead, correct the part of your behavior that was wrong in the future, with other people. And remember he was and is far from being perfect.” — I didn’t, and haven’t. I’ve been in No Contact with him since the last time we talked after he ghosted me back in September. He actually posted an Instagram Story last night of his cat sleeping on top of his “I’m Kenough” hoodie I picked out for him to buy back in July. I’ve been waiting for him to post that hoodie because when I saw it was available for preorder after the Barbie Movie came out, I showed it to him and we both laughed and he immediately ordered it for himself. Sounds silly, but when we met, we were so excited about that movie and by the time we went to go see it in theaters, it had been something we were waiting to do together. We dressed as Barbie and Ken in my homemade outfits I painted for us and we had such a great time just bonding over that all. So for him to be showing his hoodie online knowing I’ll see it… it just hurts and my knee-jerk reaction is to assume it’s a jab at me to make me upset, or it’s an attempt at baiting me to reach out. I had to stop those thoughts though and understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me and he probably doesn’t care at all or even had those thoughts. It’s just that me being that hyper-sensitive and sentimental person could not do that or even wear that hoodie without getting sad. I contemplated “liking” the photo just to acknowledge it, but that would be me breaking my own attempt at No Contact and giving him space. I also recognize that this reads like a 15-year old’s diary, and yes I’m embarrassed of myself.

    “What do you think of my input in regard to the nonpromising aspect of a relationship with him to begin with?” — I think I don’t see the red flags you can see in him as clearly because for him to not have a clear aim in career in life, living at home still, or to be playing video games doesn’t sound so bad to me. I also like video games and also still live at home at this age. I guess I at least have the goal of ultimately working my way up to working in a museum with my library experience, though. I also don’t spend all day playing video games, I do it a couple times a month. And I absolutely HAVE to move out for my own sanity. But ultimately, all of these typically undesirable traits in him didn’t bother me about him because of our connection. He wasn’t a bad guy, he was kind and understanding. I know you’re not saying he’s a bad guy, more so that he’s just aimless. Maybe I was attracted to him because we are on the same wavelength, and maybe that’s not a good thing.

    “Your focus on him liking photos of women in bikinis etc., that’s your deep emotional wound that his activities triggered. An appropriate partner for you would be one who is busy working, doesn’t watch pornography, and doesn’t like girls in bikini photos, not because you told him not to, but because that was not his habit to begin with.” — I guess I just don’t feel that this kind of person exists in my age bracket anymore, so I feel silly for my concerns and hang-ups about it to begin with. I would love to believe if he were a suitable partner that the night of our breakup could have gone differently. Perhaps my blowup on him could have ended in him caring too much about hurting me to leave me and instead trying to understand me better and work through it together? I tried to be understanding to his decisions and thoughts that night but I know that my behavior came across as if there was no repair he could have attempted for me anyway. It’s always been hard to understand whether my desires for a different outcome are due to my delusional expectations or if they were perfectly reasonable with someone ready for that level of commitment.

    #426732
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    …”It is going to be difficult for you to read but it is necessary to address thoroughly. Please remember that I still think highly of you and that I know that this Misbehavior which I am addressing today can be corrected, making you an even better person than you already are!” — No worries at any chance of hurting my feelings. I’ve really appreciated you being there for me for all of these months and I think very highly of you as well, and for your honesty. I read this post on my break at work, and then again when I got home and I’ll admit it was really hard to take in but it’s only because it’s what I’ve thought this whole time. It’s why I’ve been saying since it happened with my first posts here why I feel that I sabotaged my part of this relationship, why I feel that I interrogated him, why I feel so much shame for accidentally shaming his sexual kinks/preferences, and why I feel responsible for turning him off of me and the relationship. It’s so embarrassing that I feel like I should reach out again and just thoroughly apologize for projecting so much onto him and for throwing his issues he struggled with in his face. With no other expectation other than to just apologize. But I try to remember I already did that once, even if it was too soon and reaching out anymore would be disrespecting his choice again. I know I’m not ready to be with anyone anyway, in fact – I’m even more self-conscious and feel even more beneath him now so this absolutely couldn’t work again.

    I know months back that you focused more on how little my behavior had to do with what his behavior and choices were based on his internal struggles of his own, so that’s the only part where I’m a little confused. I don’t know the extent I am responsible for the breakup. Back in September, you said, …”he spends his time in pornography and sexual fantasies…” …”His way has been mostly to distract himself from this thirst for love via kinky sexual fantasies, porn and thirst traps. He is trying to quench his sexual fantasies, not his quench for love. The way I see it, if you try to quench his sexual fantasies, you would be part of his distraction, that would be all…”  in reference to me being upset at him for admitting to losing attraction. I thought it was in moments like this where I understood that my hurt in him looking at other women and feeling undervalued was warranted. But also with him being entitled to feel lust or express attraction to other women is something I overreacted? At the beginning of our relationship, when I expressed my boundary of social media flirting, he agreed with it. I know I’ll always be very hurt over a guy lusting over other people – but I also think it’s really ignorant to control someone’s natural urges and human reactions. But at what point am I just molding myself for someone else? The hyper-vigilant urge to speak every time something hurtful came up for me by him was totally a response to completely losing my voice in my past toxic relationship. But unfortunately you’re right – why would my current ex want me to continue with him or move closer to him in the future and just continue the energy I gave him like this? It was draining!

    “When you have the time and when you are calm, following processing this post, can you define “THE biggest mental block” as it stands now?” — The biggest mental block I have is feeling like I caused all of this because I’m a walking self-fulfilling prophecy, just like he said. That he was right when he told me I looked for reasons to criminalize him and I found them. All of these realizations make me feel like I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. I feel incredibly shameful about messing the relationship up with my past issues and projections/insecurities. So I feel like I have no room for compassion for myself and he’s the good guy because he thought more rationally and removed himself from a controlling and jealous relationship. He deserves someone better who won’t pressure him so much and I deserve to be alone and sit with what I did until I can get do better. The other block I have is knowing I’m not okay with seeing my boyfriend lusting even though I know it’s human nature and I myself would not want to be controlled either. I want monogamy but I also understand that humans are not even wired for this long term so I feel I don’t have the right to be upset that he was getting his kicks to other women while claiming to be exclusive to me. Do you see how I have all of these contradictory battles in my head constantly? I feel like a mediator over my thoughts constantly seeing things two ways and not being able to pick a side, so I can’t live any truth for myself or have my own moral rules to guide me. Kind of like your metaphor of me watching others in the play of my life but I’m not on stage.

    Also, thank you for hoping this year will be an improvement for me. If I don’t make some kind of breakthrough, I feel like I will continue to suffer unnecessarily. I am happy to hear that your mental state and peace of mind has improved with doing the hard work.

    #426636
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you for your explanation and perspective on why you don’t think I’m a toxic person. I get very in my head about stuff.

    “Often, a child who is really rejected by a critical parent grows up into an adult who assumes (projects) that others are also rejecting him or her when it’s not the case.” — Also, I feel that my new rejection wounds are from men who leave me after expressing my concerns. And men who reassure me for an extended period of time and then leave me after trust was built. I didn’t have such activated rejection fears yet in my first relationship.

    “When people in your family who have mistreated you accuse you of being too sensitive and overblowing situations, that’s further mistreatment on their part, mistreatment on top of mistreatment. It is sad when your perspective really doesn’t even matter in your own home.” — I’m not trying to be difficult here; I’m sincerely trying to have something click for me. How can I say that I have been treated unfairly from people saying I’m too sensitive and overblow situations when I actually DO overblow situations and react very sensitively to things? I guess I am thinking black and white here. If I’m the problem, I don’t feel I have the right to say I’m being mistreated or “deserve” a better partner.

    “On the other hand, when you inaccurately project being mistreated by others, for example, taking it personally that he liked bikini photos,  as if those likes indicate that he feels that you are not attractive, and expressing that he was a bad, guilty person for liking those photos, that’s having a chip on your shoulders, I suppose.” — But he admitted that he was lusting after those photos and losing interest in me in the process due to that and the distance and other things he wouldn’t elaborate on. How do I not take that personally? It’s like I feel that I don’t have the right to say I was mistreated because I sabotaged and overblew the situation, but yet my pain feels warranted when I remember he admitted to what I was fearing over his actions. I’m not trying to argue with you, or with any of these points. Again, I’m trying SO hard for this to click with me because I feel this is THE biggest mental block that is keeping me from moving forward.

    To answer your last question: NYE was very hard even though I worked all day. The past couple of days have been rough too from the usual rumination. I had another nightmare about him this morning. I hope your holiday was nice and you’ve had a good start to the new year!

    #426525
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    “You are a very intelligent, well spoken, patient, kind and gracious young woman who is absent from her own awareness.  It is as if you are not a factor in your own mind and life. As if you didn’t yet take center stage where a person belongs in one’s own life, as if you are sitting in the audience.” — Thank you for saying all of that. I worry about being a toxic person so much that I think I completely take myself out of the equation when it comes to what I should have or be entitled to. In counseling, I learned to focus so much on what I was possibly doing to project onto others that it has since made me feel like all of my feelings are invalid. I’ve learned that everything I’m jealous over is a chip on my shoulder, everything I’m hurt or paranoid over is an insecurity. And then exes and family and friends reinforced the idea that I was indeed just always projecting and being too sensitive and overblowing situations so now I just feel like my perspective really doesn’t even matter. I’m not dissing therapy, I just think I’m taking in information incorrectly sometimes from counselors. I’m learning I’m so easily triggered and hurt by men that my perspective is tainted, and I’m tired of sabotaging myself and others. I just don’t know at what point my expectations are warranted and at what point they are irrational and unfair to put on others. I hate my boyfriend lusting at other women. I hate it so much because it’s happened to me in every relationship. Does that mean I can set that boundary? What’s the point if it’s not realistic or immature? I’d rather be single than deal with this again because of the shame I feel from the expectations I put on my ex about it.

    “I don’t think we discussed limerence before (I just went through your 8-page thread and saw no mention of it), but it fits, doesn’t it?” — We haven’t, and it’s interesting you mentioned this because I was reading something the other day about this and how it can happen during a relationship and after a breakup. Some people refer to the deep longing after a sudden and unexpected as dark limerence – where the memories and rumination keeps you in this dark place you can’t get out of but you hold onto it because it’s all you have left of that person. That’s where I’m definitely at. His birthday is today (technically because it’s past midnight) – New Year’s Eve. Last year on this day, I spent the whole day with him going to thrift stores, singing and laughing in the car together, getting ice cream and watching movies at his house. We went on the Blue Ridge Parkway just above his house and watched the sunset. I had dinner with his parents and they loved me. It was a really special day. I knew this day was gonna be especially hard for me so I volunteered to work all day to try to distract myself from the pain.

    #426485
    Stacy
    Participant

    Also, I’m sorry for the formatting… I’m not sure what happened there.

    #426484
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    “Do you remember what thoughts you had when blaming yourself for your family’s dysfunction?” — When my sister would get upset, I’d feel that I was at least partially responsible for annoying or upsetting her if she’d get really frustrated or depressed. I know this is basically the freeze/fawn trauma response. I try to notice my physical symptoms that come up when triggered and tell myself that I’m safe and that that person’s emotions/behavior are their responsibility, but I still don’t know how to not have that gut reaction response.

    …”what do you feel, I wonder, about the fact that every man’s passion for any one woman fizzles out over time from where it was originally?” — I know it’s human nature for the honeymoon stage to settle into a more comfortable partnership overtime, but I can’t help but just want to know that my partner has only eyes for me. And maybe that’s my issue – I expect something not possible. With my generation, it’s inevitable that your partner is going to lust after other people online, whether they are actively liking photos or not. And there are so many platforms for them to lust. He made me feel so cherished for the first few months and didn’t make me question his intentions, not until he started backing off of that and started complimenting other women and talking about exes, etc. I got paranoid and jealous.

    “what would be the best sort of closure for you, if you met him soon?” — Unfortunately, I will never see him in person again. The 2 hr. distance never bothered me but it apparently did him, and unless he were to reach out and offer a meeting, I guess that’s it. I wish I could tell him that him trying to be poetic by recalling our first ever conversation on Hinge was the most immature and heartless way to break up with someone. I wish I could reiterate that I didn’t want marriage with him, that I only mentioned it because I was trying to explain how invested in a future I was with him. I wish I could also ask him why he lied to me for so long and lied to me about wanting to stay friends and that we would “work on it together.”

    …”I wonder (I hope you’re okay with all my wonderings..?) whom, if anyone in your family of origin, you wanted, for a long time, to confront (but didn’t), argue with and yell at (.. but didn’t..?), tell him or her everything you wanted to say for a long time.. but didn’t? — You’re fine, I appreciate your curiosity in trying to better understand me. My sister is really more the ongoing trigger for me because we are living together. I’ve just given up on bringing concerns with her up, I’d rather live trying to stay in my lane and get out of here when I can. We aren’t going to see eye to eye on a lot of things. She’s emotionally flooded with her own issues too.

    …“putting aside the issue of what you meant to him at that point, his comment about a celebrity reads.. immature to me, like something a preteen would say.. don’t you think? — He joked about the hall pass idea… you know where you ask your partner the hypothetical question of if you had a free pass to sleep with a celebrity, who would it be and why? Well, he asked me and I had no answer because I was so in love with him. I couldn’t think of anyone off the top of my head, even with it being just for fun. He had trouble too until he came to Taylor Swift. He was reluctant to say it because he knew it would upset me. I dug myself into a hole as usual and asked WHY her, and then he goes into detail about her long legs, etc. I’m very short so I felt inadequate. I asked him what his ideal type is. He told me he didn’t want to do this because I’d get more upset. He admitted his type is dark-featured and olive-skinned women. I’m pale as a ghost and very blonde and light-featured. When I suggested a celebrity for him, he scoffed and said, “Oh no, I’m not attracted to her. She’s a great actress though.” I don’t think he remembered that he had told me months prior to this that I sort of looked like that celebrity. I lost sleep over this but I told myself I asked for it and that humans can hold the capacity for several types of attraction. But his passion for me had seemed to be fading around this time too. Fast forward two weeks later, we were hanging out again and TS came back up. I asked him yet again. He said, “I’m gonna be really honest with you. The way I feel about Taylor Swift is very misogynistic. I don’t respect her so I want to have my way with her. I respect you so I want to make love to you. If that makes sense. If a guy gets with a woman like her, it’s like he’s won the ultimate.” Basically saying bagging her type would be a status symbol/ego achievement. And this really crushed me because he had never spoken about women around me like that. So I think that’s why the social media liking of sexy photos of the Tinder match girl and having dinner with the trans coworker really upset me a couple weeks later. It didn’t help the Tinder girl is very tall and looks like Taylor Swift. I realize that I’m coming across very immature here too. I’m just exhausted with myself and why I even get so upset over this stuff. It’s like he made me feel like the only girl in the world and then THIS stuff just kept compiling in little bits over time.

    #426399
    Stacy
    Participant

    Ah, I missed it by two days! Merry (late) Christmas to you as well, Anita! I wanted to pop in before but had to work Christmas Eve and was so tired afterwards. I’ll go ahead and wish you a Happy New Year as well just to stay ahead. Also, thank you for wishing me a happy birthday too.

    “In other words, magnification often involves exaggerating the unpleasantness of a situation while minimizing actual or potential positive elements.” — I agree that I do this. I think the minimization is also a protective technique to try to prepare myself for any possible disappointment: if I never get too enthusiastic about anything and downplay its importance, then I won’t be so embarrassed or hurt when it inevitably blows up in my face. That never really saves any embarrassment or hurt, though. I hid my relationship from social media and most of my friends until at least the 6 month mark in fear I would “jinx” us. The messy part comes in where I worry that I really DID exaggerate something I perceived as negative that actually wasn’t… or my life is just a complete set of self-fulfilling prophecies. My first therapist said it was. I’ve now had every guy I’ve ever dated tell me I look for problems and believe in them so hard that I eventually create them. I can’t trust my own judgment after hearing this much feedback. I can’t tell what’s real from what’s not anymore and if I’m truly at fault for sabotaging my relationships – especially my latest and he was right, then I feel hopeless. The self-blame overwhelms me, and like you said, I don’t really allow myself any room to consider that my ex wasn’t perfect. All I have been able to place and blame him for in any of this was not being honest with himself and me, especially after all the relationship check-in opportunities I gave him.

    “* Positive data logging. Starting a daily log of positive experiences can help clients overcome habitual minimization.” — this is interesting you mentioned this because I actually was trying to do this every day at lunch in high school. I was always miserable during lunch period because I couldn’t eat so I would sit there and journal trying to focus on anything positive that was happening during the day. I guess the effort was there but it was still missing the point of this exercise. I will take the other points you listed about how to challenge the pattern of magnification and minimization.

    “I’m getting super concerned with myself that I’m not progressing AT ALL with this…”- there’s the exaggeration.” – I feel like I’m getting worse because I’m realizing he didn’t even try to argue with me and tell me that he still found me attractive after admitting to wandering eyes for other women. He seemed fed up with my paranoia and over me. The thought of losing me should be too much for someone who was in love with me. At least, that’s how I see it. Everyone is different and I understand he wasn’t equipped to meet me where I was at, but I see that his passion for me/us fizzled from where it was originally. I’ve read the whole point of going no contact is to work on myself and focus on moving on or else the effort is pointless. Sometimes all I want to do is just reach out and try to get closure of some sort, or maybe say goodbye to him. I know that’s not going to work though, it probably would cause me more damage. I had a dream last night where I confronted him and started arguing with him, telling him everything I’ve been wanting to say. I woke myself up yelling at him and crying.

    … “Not until this guy… who claims to love me so much thinks I’M impressive? Then I’ve won.” — this point here where you quoted me reminded me of how right before we broke up, he admitted his biggest celebrity crush being Taylor Swift and how if a man were to get with her, then that’s the “ultimate prize and indicator he’s won in life.” (there’s a lot more to this story and why we were even talking about celebrity crushes. Let’s just say it was an ongoing argument and it hurt my feelings… shocking). It just hurts knowing how much he meant to me and how little it seems like I meant to him by the time he was checking out.

    “Personally, from what you shared about him, I am not impressed with him. On the other hand, I am impressed with your intelligence, with how well you use the English language to express yourself.. you sound very educated and kind…”  — Thank you for this. It means a lot to me to be perceived as capable and smart, and I value your perspective.

    #426266
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I talked to a couple of coworkers to ask their opinion on the job. I just chose to go full-time. I concluded that I won’t really understand what is the better choice until it’s happening to me and I can just change my mind if it ends up being a huge mistake in the future. I really hope I don’t regret it but only time will tell.

    I had the ultrasound on my neck for the lump and my results came back negative for anything concerning, so that’s good. However, a few days after this, I woke up and noticed an even bigger lump on the left side of my neck that seemed to just pop up out of nowhere. I freaked out as I do and made myself sick all morning trying to ignore it and tell myself it was probably the same as the other lump that just got tested, but I decided to go ahead and call my doctor again. I feel so embarrassed and shameful to give into my paranoias so hard.

    Speaking of health anxiety and fears, I was scrolling through social media tonight and saw a reel of someone who had a mild heart attack from her heartbreak. That her anxiety and depression and extreme reaction to her breakup caused broken heart syndrome… basically something that affects blood pressure/heart function and can actually cause heart attack symptoms. I went on a spiral and I am now freaking out that any time I have my usual panic attacks, they will actually result in a serious situation. I feel so disconnected from humanity because of how neurotic and scared I feel all of the time. I’m so sick of myself, it makes me understand why people have to remove themselves from me. I can’t talk to anyone about this stuff without them getting annoyed and frustrated.

    – He gave you a taste of Special, that’s what he did. And he is the only source of this taste that you know about. It is not only the words he uttered that gave you this taste, it is also his privileged and educated family background, and it is also about the way he delivered the words he uttered, something about his style, his mannerism, his way of looking into himself- to an extent- that touched your heart and gave you that taste of Special.” — this is completely spot on. I’ve always believed I was too much for people and he was the first person to ever see these issues and not only accept them, but reassure me and joke about it to make me feel not so heavy over it. He really did have a way of handling it that makes me feel crazy over losing. It’s so heartbreaking. I’m so incredibly lonely. My birthday was very rough because of it. I had the tiniest part of me that hoped he’d reach out to wish me a happy birthday, but he didn’t.

    “– I am imagining that I am a man your age and I meet you, a very soon (in four days) 32-year-old woman, and she gives me a lot of positive attention (like that which you gave your ex). I imagine that I feel very good about it and want more of it. I feel important and I like it. But then I realize that I feel too important to her, that any word I say, any silence in between words, anything minor about what I say and do, is MAJOR to her, as in any word I say can make or break her.. I have too much power, I start feeling uncomfortable, so I withdraw. Could this be an explanation to the pattern/ theme you mentioned above?” — this is exactly what I’ve been saying in my thread, when I’ve been saying that I pushed him away/I scared him away/too much pressure, etc. I do think it’s why he was so into me for awhile and was trying, and then gave up. It’s impossible to not internalize blame on my part. I realize he had a part in this because he wasn’t honest with himself and with me but I can’t understand why I had to lose him over this. Why couldn’t he have came into my life after I was in a better place? I keep replaying what he told me after the breakup, “It was wrong of me to not be planning or thinking of the future for us…” “…I was just trying to have as much fun as we could together and to make you as happy as I could until our problems inevitably broke us up.” It makes me feel so so sick. That he didn’t even see me as a long-term girlfriend. This has been keeping me up at night lately. I’ll never forget his face when I said I saw a future with him and maybe even marriage someday… he cringed his face in so much discomfort.

    I’m getting super concerned with myself that I’m not progressing AT ALL with this. It will be 4 months on Christmas since the breakup.

    #426006
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you for responding to me so promptly while I was at work.

    Also, thank you for the insurance question suggestions, they are really good. I’ll bring these to whoever I can as soon as I can. The only thing I know is that the insurance offered is a good insurance, but unfortunately my gastro doctor I really like is not covered under it. I’m grateful I will be getting coverage of ANY kind now either way, of course too. I assume that I wouldn’t be fired because my position has a bad reputation of high turnover and they are actively trying very hard to not continue that as it looks bad on us. My position is actually supposed to be a “specialist” position, but they broke this full-time position up into two part-time positions when I was hired. I am overqualified but my manager told me they won’t promote me because of budgeting, but that they are going to try to reevaluate the raise/promotion in the new fiscal year. That’s the only growth I could receive with my bachelor’s degree. However, I don’t think they will be particularly happy with me if I go back on my word about taking full time, so there is some concern there.

    “… I hope that you receive quality counseling soon. I hope that in counseling, you will unearth your I-am-not-special core belief, examine it, challenge it and resolve it. Once resolved, your ex will no longer have the place in your mind and life that he’s had for so long. You will no longer follow his social media activity, ruminate about him and verbalizing your rumination to friends, and in doing so, negatively affect them.” — Thank you, that would be a dream come true for me to no longer feel so controlled by what he thinks of me. It’s such an emotional and mental cage to be in because I would inevitably compare him to any future people I date, and also the trust issues I now have from him will negatively affect things for me even more too.

    “Imagine being covered by a large filter so that part of your immediate experience is completely blocked from your awareness while other parts are exaggerated or highlighted by the filter…” …”You have a belief you are socially undesirable“. — I think this makes a lot of sense. One of my biggest desires in a relationship is just simply being seen and made to feel like I’m special. My dad never paid attention to me and I never even really talked to him. He wasn’t mean to me, just absent. When I got his attention, it made me nervous and like I really had to perform to keep it up. But the attention was fleeting. I see this pattern with the men I date and I think another reason why I feel undesirable is because I can easily get men to find me intriguing or interesting to talk to at first, and then once they meet me in real life, or spend so many months together, they always start losing interest. It’s very difficult to not internalize this pattern of men repeatedly being so enthusiastic about me and so wanting to love and invest in me and then completely exiting the picture. It’s draining and makes me feel crazy. It’s what we’ve talked about here: this theme of inconsistency with the people closest to me.

    #425998
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I can’t thoroughly respond as I’m at work right now on my phone, but in reference to your suggestion I stay part time and keep my Medicaid: if I get full time at this job, I will be eligible for their health insurance plan. So I will still receive some help, but it won’t be as good as what I have now. Also, I’ll be making twice as much in a month since I’ll be working more hours and I thought this may help me to start actually saving to move out of this house. I think you definitely have a good point though and it’s why the decision is so tough. I already agreed to the full time position when it was brought up as a possibility before a manager meeting (I’m assuming they are still making decisions), so I feel strange going back on that too. I know it’s all something I have to decide for myself though and a job doesn’t care about my loyalty.

    #425978
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    So much has been going on, I apologize. I hope you are well. I recently got Medicaid without even understanding how it happened, and as soon as I got approved I was pretty much (but not officially yet) offered a full time position (but no increase in pay or position) at my main job. This means I will lose Medicaid if I accept the full time, so I’ve been grappling with that decision the past few days. I also have my birthday coming up this Saturday and have been having a hard time coming to terms with turning 32 and feeling the way I do currently. I told myself I would go out and do something different and special for myself this year, alone… but finances of course haven’t worked out. I’m just too heartbroken to enjoy anything. This time last year I was celebrating my birthday with him and it was such a great weekend – he told me he loved me for the first time that weekend. Also, I’m on a waiting list for counseling. I went to my ENT appointment and my doctor concluded that the lump in my neck is most likely a swollen lymph node and it’s inflamed due to a skin condition that I have developed on my scalp. He thinks it’s yet another autoimmune issue that has manifested as a skin condition, basically. Very relevant to what you and I were discussing months ago. He saw I had Medicaid and scheduled me an ultrasound on my neck and referred me to a dermatologist for the skin condition on my scalp. It’s been life-changing to have some financial assistance in just the few days I’ve had it. Just updating you on the current situation.

    You mentioned in your post about me being chosen over other girls and how special that made me feel, and how much losing that affected me. That’s the biggest thing I’m dealing with, aside from feeling lied to and pitied this whole time. He didn’t even try to defend me and reassure me that he still found me attractive despite finding other females attractive, he just shut down and defended them. But he is entitled to feel controlled and put off by it. It just wasn’t my intention. I creeped on his profile the other night and he posted an Instagram Story at Dollywood in Tennessee. – a place we were planning on going with his sister and her kids at one point. I don’t see how going there and posting that, knowing I would see it doesn’t bother him. I would personally never post and gloat about going somewhere we were supposed to go together just months after breaking up, especially if I was the dumper. And he’s done it with other special places for us. Like you’ve mentioned, his brain is wired differently from mine and I have to accept that. If he’s truly happier without me, I guess it’s better it ended when it did. He really decided his life would be better without having me in it ever again without any of my input… I still can’t wrap my head around this. I wish I could believe that saying, “If it’s meant for you, it won’t pass you/you can’t mess it up.” I think sometimes people can mess up a good opportunity. But I have to try to find faith in some way. I pray a lot but the shame and embarrassment eats away at me daily.

    “Everyone in my life has expressed to me how difficult I can be“- difficult as a result of having been treated un-special, un-chosen and un-adored for too long. Who wouldn’t be difficult with this kind of experience…? — I cannot shake how this summer every single person in my life relayed the same feedback to me about how I was affecting them… almost word for word the same. It has permanently affected my self-worth. My best friend who admitted to having to ghost me for her mental health is still not back in the picture. I have to respect that for her.

    “– if it’s not drawing or painting or poetry.. how about a story, that’s a form of literature you didn’t mention. You can type a story, your story- of any length- right here on your thread..?” — I’ve been trying to think about this. I’m not good at writing or creating stories and it frustrates me when I try, so maybe not. I do think me journaling here has helped but I know I have a tendency to go overboard with my processing and rumination.

    #425606
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I hope you’ve had a good week – wherever you are and if you celebrated the holiday or not. I am thankful for your care in wanting to talk to me and for this forum.

    “This entry on social isolation makes me understand myself better and it helps me understand you (and other people) better. I now understand your intense and prolonged sensitivity to rejection by him, why- as the title of your thread indicates- the breakup has been so “Extremely painful“.” — I am sorry you’ve had to face bullying and feeling that sense of isolation from others too. I know it’s definitely made me vulnerable to clinging to people easily as soon as they “choose” me. And yes, it feels so painful and also it’s just so insulting… a personal betrayal that he chose me because I was special (he voiced why I meant so much to him and why I was different than other girls he had dated frequently) to then dump me like I was nothing to him all along. And to admit to “wandering eyes” for other girls. Ugh.

    “– you lived your whole life with your family, being in daily contact and interacting with family members.. but these interactions were not caring-enough for you: not enough to fulfil your unfulfilled fundamental human need for love and belongingness.” — Yes, and as we’ve discussed here, the emotional and supportive inconsistency is really hard to deal with. Especially since I’ve been experiencing the same pattern with my friends as well. It’s really hard to not believe I’m the problem when every single source is giving me the same feedback.

    “…Without this team, you are back to being all alone, back to your prolonged and consistent experience of social isolation. …I now understand why every word he said, every emotion he expressed.. matters to you so much. From one point on, in your mind, he was the only person in the whole wide world who (you felt) satisfied that “need for love and belongingness“ ..No wonder you are still so emotionally attached to him, why you don’t let him go.” — Thank you for understanding. I know that focusing on him and replaying all of the good and bad memories so much keeps my brain trained to keep him most important, but the pain is too much to ignore. It feels unnatural and makes me physically sick to try to just ignore my grief and move on. I keep reading about how if you are just constantly crying and not forging new thought processes, then you’re just re-traumatizing yourself with every breakdown. I can’t help it. I miss him as a person so much, everything reminds me of him. Yesterday marked officially 3 months since he left me. I’m gonna be 32 in less than a month, I’ve been hurt over men before, I’ve been cheated on and lied to, yet I’ve never been this heartbroken before. It’s seriously scaring me as to how bad it is, I don’t even know what to do with all of this. The feelings of belonging and genuine adoration for the real me is something I have never had before.

    “Question is: can you have this fundamental human motivation directed elsewhere..?” — I requested a consultation/appointment with the internship counseling program I mentioned before and I am waiting to hear back. However, I worry that I’m too thick in grief to “hear” and listen to a counselor. I’m still stuck in denial and wishing for him to give me another chance, yet also wanting to tell him off for lying to me. That’s not remotely at a place that’s ready to change or move on. I genuinely believe that my accusatory pressure over time, mixed with him still being in love with his ex made him panic and run. I beat myself up about this constantly –  I feel I deserve this because everyone in my life has expressed to me how difficult I can be. I don’t know what I could do to direct myself and my fundamental human motivations elsewhere. I thought that working these two jobs and just trying to focus on myself that way would help, but no. I thought that having some days off finally for Thanksgiving for me to rest would help, but no. I thought that getting a new hairstyle would help, no. I do feel like I’m boiling over with this crazy need to express this grief in some way, though. I am an artistic and emotional person but I have no way to channel it. Drawing and painting just frustrates me, so does poetry. I can feel that I NEED to express/channel this some way, but I also feel exhausted and have no drive.

    #425548
    Stacy
    Participant

    *I meant to say that he had told me he blocked her on everything and had told her he didn’t want her in his life anymore in a message that originally was the scathing and long message he decided not to send because she didn’t care.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 63 total)