I’m struggling a little with where to draw the line on some things with him.

For example, we usually call at about the same time each day. Today he left the library and said “heading home”. I got prepared and then he said “Oh we’re going to the bar to have a drink” with his classmates.

I think the feelings and thoughts I had in reaction to this tell a lot.

One view of it was “Oh, OK, sure, you have your life there. You aren’t doing this all the time and that’s fine. I’ll probably miss a call once in a while too if I’m visiting friends or family. No biggie between to adults”.

The other view “Oh he knew we call at that time and yet he decided to go and have a drink? He doesn’t care about me. I am not his priority”

Another week, he’d been studying with friends (it’s always on a Saturday my anxieties explode). I embarrassed myself with how anxious I got that he was fine with (just for that one day) not having a call. Apparently the 6 other days that week, where he called me and we talked in each one for at least 2 or 3 hours… that left my mind. I got so upset he left early to come home and phone me. As soon as he said he was leaving I felt such a fool and so embarrassed.

So today this happens, he goes and has a drink, sends pics, says he’s talking about me.

I naturally felt sad I wouldn’t get to call him today, I’d travelled to France to see my parents and had wanted to talk about it so maybe that added an extra layer of emotion.

But I think that was then picked up on by my longer running anxieties. Of not really being loved but by it being an illusion.

I think I link things together and create perhaps plausible but not necessarily helpful situations. He’s impulsive but not completely ridiculous but then I use that in my head to create the idea that he doesn’t really love me he’s just saying it cos it feels good or something. Even though… he calls all the time etc.

I worry too that I have the potential to almost turn into his ex when my anxieties get the better of me. I see myself sulking and sending big-bottom-lip passive aggressive comments and go “what are you doing you maniac?!”. Yet I also sometimes feel I have to say it? Even though as i see myself type (i only act like this in texts, never video calls) I know its not the right thing to do. But, it’s as if I am taking charge, almost… but really that sort of beahviour sets a course to slowly lose control.