Hi Tee,

Thank you for the words. I do appreciate the responses. The problem is that I cannot excuse myself and blaming my childhood seems like an excuse to me, or perhaps a way of passing the blame for my actions. I know that sounds harsh but it’s what resonates in my mind. I have tried now for two months and I just don’t seem any closer to a solution. The therapy has only been going for 4 weeks, so I hope this will help in some way. As for the meds, they don’t seem to be working at all but I am reviewing this with my medical practitioner next week.

I am sorry to learn of your pain and I understand the connection. In my own case this may have been true, but I was so cruel to her and to not have that empathy is totally diabolical. I don’t mean to be cruel, I was just in a different world of complete ignorance and hated her for a time. As I say, as time passed I just lost her completely and I cannot stop going around in circles and cannot cope with the shame and guilt and now jealousy which consumes me every minute. I am just horrified at what I have lost and what I did.

I have awakened, but it’s to a realisation that I am not a good person at all. I must and have to change. I cannot undo what I have done. I cannot win her back into my life – it’s too late for that. I have learned my lesson but it’s just too late and I do not know if I could meet someone or even be in a relationship again after what I have done. Then there’s all the other things to factor in with actually getting along with someone and finding that special person, as she was. This hurts also and drives me to revulsion over the actions I have taken and revulsion to be with someone else. But this is a long way in the future. I don’t know what the universe has planned for me, maybe an existence of loneliness for the rest of my life, which fills me with utter horror. From where I am standing now, she was my best chance and I destroyed it.

Sorry for the rant. I am just so tired and frustrated and to learn what I learned last week really cut me to the core and hurt me very deeply, but it’s what I needed to know I guess. Then again I didn’t need to know that much. I still don’t think it hasn’t really registered and I am just taking the day one minute at a time.

I do appreciate your time and the thought that goes into your responses though.