Dear Anita,

“But you didn’t feel good because his very-cold-version was pre-imprinted in your brain  Fast forward, when someone gives you love, in your mind, you are experience the mix that you received in childhood.”

this makes sense.

I am at my boyfriends parents house right now, we got here just early this morning after a 3 hour flight. Before I met him to leave for the airport I woke up early and mediated, I wanted to be there for my partner this weekend. As I know it brings up things for me when I visit home. Anyways I was feeling good this morning but then I got to his house and about 3 hours in feel exhausted. I asked him if we could go on a walk, hoping to feel connected to him and for it to remind me of why I am doing this, because I love him. We go on a walk and he begins exploring the outdoors and starts leading me down this very torn up valley of dead trees, hard to walk through and calls me a baby for complaining about the mud and the “trail” that had clearly been just destroyed. I don’t know if it was all the dead trees or the complete lack of his attention (not sure why I felt I needed it so bad), as I kept having to remind him not to keep walking so far infront of me as I stumbled, but I became so anxious. I was overwhelmed about having to go back inside to socialize, I was tired and felt like I was complaining to him. I truly don’t like his parents relationship, they are so passive aggressive and constantly hurting eachother and just moving past it. They have no shared hobbies and pretty much live separate lives sad the other won’t join them. Anyways, I feel bad for being anxious and complaining to him, because I wanted to be there for him! I feel selfish as if I made his trip home to his family about me. I don’t know why I did this, I have felt disconnected with him ever since we got here and I want to understand why and find out how to ease this anxiety. We are sleeping separately here and so I have some space tonight and tomorrow morning to try to get my mind right. But I feel stumped and disappointed in myself.

with love
seaturtles