Hi Anita

Good to hear from you too!

“In regard to “(I) agree with what you said about no man/person being able to help me“- what I said was that no man “could have possibly given me what I needed… There was simply TOO MUCH that I was missing: a sense of self-esteem”,  “… you need more than any man can give you, but you believe that he was able, if he chose to, to give you what you need, and that he is still able to.” — Yes, I didn’t feel too much for him. I saw he was capable and willing to meet my needs and expectations from the get-go until something changed his mind about us. Knowing SOMETHING changed feels personal as he was super into us before. And this is why I do feel I was too much for him. So you’re saying that even if I finally got with someone who was a healthy fit for me, it still wouldn’t work out until I became securely attached in myself?

I keep getting reminded lately of when he admitted to me early on that he was struggling about his ex and that when they had broken up, he written her a long and scathing good riddance paragraph, how she was a cruel person with no regard for anyone’s feelings, and that he realized it was pointless so he just deleted the paragraph instead and blocked her. He said he felt anger and shame for being cheated on – as I’ve mentioned here before, and he told me he was struggling with getting over those feelings and he was worried about it affecting us. I know that anger is just unaddressed pain and sadness. Yet when he broke up with ME, he was indifferent and wouldn’t even allow me to fight for us. There was no fight for us or passion or pain in losing me that night and since then in him. I see he’s capable of feeling pain and loss for people as he showed me with his ex. Does this mean he actually didn’t feel strongly towards me in the first place like he did her as I feared all along? Maybe. It’s been really bothering me and making me feel jealous though. I’m bitter that I wasn’t fought for but someone he didn’t even get to date over the span of two months who cheated on him can cause him so much distress. It’s insulting that our year together didn’t seem to mean anything to him. I think now that he was so eager to stay friends when I asked him so that he could feel less guilt and shame for hurting me. Actions since then have shown he does not want to be friends either.

“And this is why, post breakup, you still follow him on social media, and why you’ve been reading about his attachment style, trying to understand him better, so to .. somehow bring him back to your life and give you what you need.” — I think it’s also just an attempt to try to separate any issues from me and hoping that maybe it wasn’t that I was too much for him or anything I did to cause him to bail, but that he really isn’t equipped or willing to show up for anyone. I hear often that an avoidant and an anxiously attached couple are essentially doomed because they trigger each other and they require thorough and thoughtful understanding of themselves and each other in order for it to work.

– “It’s not that I feel safe, it’s that I feel more courage than I ever did before.” — That makes sense. Also, thank you for this poem, it’s very nice. I do hope to find power in my heart and the power to carry on because every single day is such a struggle to have any hope. I appreciate your encouragement.