Hi Anita

“If it was his genuine experience that he felt worthy of love because of you.. he’d still be in a relationship with you.” — that is what has been hurting me so much this whole time. If he loved me like he said he did, I don’t think he would have even thought of wanting to end us, and this breakup would be heartbreaking to him. Knowing that everything he said to me at the breakup and after was all an act of appeasement just keeps me sick to my stomach daily. It feels like a cinderblock on my heart.

“He claimed they never made anything official but that she…”- what he claimed was not necessarily true.” – Yes, speaking of his ex, something hit me the other night and I’m confused as to why I’ve not yet put this together. Our third weekend together/date was on October 8th of last year. We planned to hang out again the next weekend after that but he had to cancel on me. I only know this because I documented this in my period tracker app… of all things. I was looking through that app the other night and saw all of this. I documented on Thursday and Friday leading up to that next planned weekend in October that he seemed to be a little “distant with me and in a bad mood.” Then that Friday, he cancelled on me. I don’t know why he did, I don’t even remember this now. Anyway, that following Monday as I was getting ready for work, he texted me THE text… the stuff I’ve mentioned here about him being worried about his problems from his ex affecting our relationship. He told me that he had blocked her on everything, and that he didn’t want her in his life anymore. I’m assuming now in retrospect that he literally meant he had JUST messaged her this that weekend… and that this wasn’t something he was referencing happening months prior to meeting me. I think now that they were STILL in contact when we were already dating and he felt bad about it, and was bothered with her being still wishy washy with him, so he finally shut it down. I think he cancelled on me the few days before this because they were still arguing and perhaps he didn’t want me there to physically see this play out, however it did. Not only that, but I then got even more curious and started digging through our old messages from around when we first started talking. The first week of us talking, he said, “last weekend I was heartbroken and depressed. Now I feel amazing and all I think about is what cheesy line I can say to you next to make you smile.” —  This further supports my new notion that he lied to me about when things officially ended with his ex. He told me it had been two months before we met. Yet here, he claimed LAST WEEKEND (as in the weekend prior to us meeting) he was heartbroken??? At the time, I just assumed he was still going through pain from two months ago. He tried to move on with me, it didn’t work. The distraction was nice for awhile and once he realized he wasn’t actually in love with me caught up with him, guilt consumed him and he bounced the moment he got his chance. I think this is why the night he broke up with me, he said, “I know I SHOULD be happy, but I’m just not. I’ve been so frustrated with myself, I hate myself for it!” He hates that he still can’t get over someone who cheated on him with someone who would never.

It has been killing me because it proves he didn’t love me. It shows to me that he had REAL feelings for this girl, they DID have a relationship, she cheated, and she wouldn’t make up her mind about him so he had to end it and it kept him hung up on her. I don’t sense one part of him being remotely in turmoil or “heartbroken” over ME.

I absolutely resonate with the baby elephant imagery you gave me. Also the part where you said that I look at his social media and see him going about his life wishing he had taken me with him – I think I really appreciated being chosen by him because he was the type of guy who didn’t go for the conventional types. I respect when a guy isn’t attracted to those types because I have never identified that way. I always knew I was the outcast with alternative quirks based on my upbringing and I pretty much had to reject some things and carve out my own unique interests and personality to make myself feel special and protect myself from bullies. I liked that he not only saw this as special in me, he resonated with it too and it made us feel like a team, us against the world. For him to inevitably choose and have “wandering eyes” for other women just crushed me.