Dear Seaturtle:

First, the journal entry from yesterday (Tuesday): … N arrived late Sunday morning…

“I told him why I was bothered, and he did this thing I absolutely hate..  He says ‘what do you mean, I can’t take a two second phone call?’ downplaying what he does, like I am crazy. I said ‘No you took a phone call within 10 minutes of us getting up from sex, I was naked in front of you.’ He said ‘you wondered about (at) the time, how am I suppose to know we are still in that space,’… He gives me the dumbest look ever like he has ABSOLUTELY no idea why I would be bothered, just kind shakes his head, squinting his eyes. And shaking his head he says ‘I don’t understand why you allow things to bother you, and you have to ruin our morning because of it,’ this makes me feel invalidated… I still don’t understand… I don’t necessarily think what he did was wrong, but it was at least insensitive”-

– If it happened before that he took a phone call 10 minutes or so after the two of you had sex, while you were still naked, and you told him that it bothered you, and then, he did it again, maybe you’d have a legitimate complaint the 2nd time it happened.

I say “maybe” because (1) a person should be given some grace for forgetting once or twice, and (2) because depending on how long the list of his behaviors that bother you, it can be too difficult or impossible to remember all on a regular basis. If the list is long.. it’s a walking on egg shells experience for him.

If this Sunday was the first time this particular incident happened, he didn’t downplay what happened.. he simply didn’t know that taking that phone call would bother you: he is not a mind reader.

“I proceed to have a fantastic play .. the audience was really into it and fed into our performance, over all just the best genuine vibe. The whole cast was in their feels, there was so much sincerity in that room, people taking selfies, making future plans, congratulating each other, thanking each other“- excellent and congratulations!

“laughing N turns to me with a sad puppy dog face saying ‘that won’t happen to you right?’ At this point with a couple drinks he shows his real reactions to things, as I wish he did regularly”- you place way, way too much weight on what he said.. reads like he was having a light moment, having some fun following a couple of drinks.. nothing rude or offensive.

It seems like what you found offensive was not the words he uttered, but the words that silently crossed your mind about what he said.

“Then, I am afraid of your disappointment here but just listen to the whole story, I smoked a vape…After I smoked it.. I called him to just say goodnight and give it one last effort to see how he was. This time his voice was more uppity, happier, lighter and real? he said ‘please don’t feel bad…’ At the time I believed him but as I am been journaling here I don’t know if I do, he was probably ‘happier’ because he smoked a ton of weed when he got home, what he often does when he is stressed. This was the end of my day, but then the night began…

“I woke up at 3:30 am from a terrible nightmare, I looked over at the vape and suddenly it clicked to me, I was being spiritually attacked, this vape lowered my vibration so low that my armor was down and exposed to the spiritual realm. I dreamt of animals sticking their claws into my skin, it was the nicotine, I was running from the animals, everything in my body was telling me that nicotine was enabling me to be attacked…  Instead of going to sleep I got up at 3:30, to confront the darkness…  I let go of my resistance to the pain and I reached a peaceful moment where I was friends with the pain, it brought me joy and I smiled, realizing that I was okay, I could do it”-

– (1) the making friends with pain was a positive emotional- spiritual experience. (2) there is a close correlation between taking drugs and having spiritual experiences: this is what the 1960s counter culture generation was about, taking LSD aka dropping acid.  Many people of the counter culture at the time had positive spiritual awakenings as a result of some drugs, but such awakenings fizzled out and left no positive, lasting mark on neither the people of the 60s nor on the world as a whole, a world that is in more trouble than it ever was.

No doubt in my mind that nicotine is bad for you. I hope that you don’t vape (or smoke) again but I understand that you might. I don’t think less of you for vaping.. it’s just that it’s not good for you, or for anyone.

“But in the morning on my 5 am alarm and on my drive to hot Pilates…  I had a revelation; Hatchling was afraid that I would allow N to hurt me and stay with him! This hit me hard. I immediately wrote in my notes: ‘Maybe I don’t trust myself to move on if I am in a situation where I am being hurt. Hatch doesn’t trust that sea turtle will remove her from the situation and instead just take the abuse. So when there is the slightest illusion of abuse hatchling is like ‘what are you gonna do about this!’ But dear hatchling we can’t control everything, N has not yet done something to sincerely harm us, dad did. He is not dad. And if N does harm us (like we were harmed by dad) we will leave, because we are great alone and I am not afraid of being single and I am not afraid of leaving one love for another. I promise hatchling.'”-

– E x C e L L e N t   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“so what do you think/know about this?“- I think I answered this question above in regard to the 1960s  (did I?). You had a very positive emotional- spiritual experience. Don’t seek more spiritual awakenings by vaping more.. it doesn’t work on the long-run.

Secondly, your.. 2nd post from yesterday:

“Since 2018 when I went to Argentina… I lived there for 6 months… my first time living away from my parents..  may even be 2017 when I began therapy actually after my failed harm/suicide attempt did not pan out… I grew a lot in 2020 when I lived alone during quarantine… This year (2023) however, has been the most growth in the area of discovery why I feel the way I feel… I met Nathan mid-2021 and I think my self growth and self care took a halt because spending time with him was addicting and momentarily, for about a year pretty much felt like it solved my problems… Then move to Arizona, his priority was no longer me at the front… I move out. Now I am resuming the self care and discovery that I began before…

“Here’s what I think about when I ask myself ‘who am I?’: I am deeply connected to something on this earth, I am sensitive to people’s energies and to the dark and lightness of the world. I am artistic, I can bring things from my head out through my hand onto a surface. I am funny in my own way, People enjoy my ability to laugh at myself and say what is on my mind, I saw what is on my mind. I am trusting, which makes me vulnerable to manipulation. I am a healer of sorts, I know how to change people’s moods, I speak to people how I speak to myself, I am very in tuned with my inner dialogue and this makes me relatable to people. I am a super taster, my senses are sensitive inside and out. I see art and it moves me, I smell and taste food that makes me want to dance, I hear music through my bones. As a child I wasn’t allowed to watch certain things, but I snuck what I wanted to watch, I was always okay with not watching creepy or horror movies or even images. I could not let my mind see those things because of how sensitive I have always been to what I let into me, my imagination has allowed me to fully daydream and pass hours at a time in a daze. I am an optimist, despite having negative days of course, I believe things work out if you put good out it will return to you. I am spiritual as opposed to religious because I try to see the good in something when another person tells me it is wrong, there must be something right if that many people live by it right? I am (almost naturally said my name on here haha kinda want to) I am a Hawaiian flower dipped in Italian sas (yes sas not sauce haha). I am gentle, but I am firm about certain things. I am competitive. I am an empath, seeing people in pain pains me. I am open minded, I clash with closed minded people. I am one with music, I feel it very deeply and can move to the beat very well in different ways, my mom was a dance teacher and my sisters both dance, I watched LOTS of dance growing up and I am a self taught, not by the book at all,  ballerina, and contemporary dancer in my mirrors. I am thoughtful. I am of the Sea. I chose Seaturtle because I have a premonition I was a Seaturtle in a past life. I have been told my face has the shape of a turtle more than once hahaha AND I am deathly afraid of sharks for no reason. Sharks are the animal I am most curious about, they scare me and I am addicted to the fear in a weird way.”-

– I copied and pasted ALL that you shared about who you are because it is ALL precious, all valuable. And so beautifully articulated!

Thirdly, your 3rd post from yesterday: “I have been using this visual a lot the last couple days. However, how do you tell the voices apart at times. For example right now, N is planning to bring over dinner and spend the eve with me tonight. Some part of me wants him to come, a hug sounds nice, his smile and cuddles and eating together all sound good. Another part of me wonders if him coming over is best, if I need to be alone, I feel a little anxious that he will trigger me… Does hatchling want to tell N not to come? Or is it Seaturtle who wants to protect hatchling and tell N not to come? in other words who wants him to come for a hug and comfort, Seaturtle or hatchling?”-

– Hatchling is the one who wants N to come over, wanting N to hug her, wanting to see his smile, to feel his cuddles and to eat with him and it is Hatchling who is afraid that N will trigger and upset her. Hatchling is the part of you that feels and thinks short-term, with a very close/ no-distance association with what she feels. An example would be, Hatchling feels fear of N triggering her and she thinks: I will call him and tell him to not come over and immediately calls him.

Seaturtle is the part of you who- from some distance from Hatchling, with some objectivity/ looking at the bigger picture- is thinking about what’s best for Hatchling considering hatchling’s feelings and closely associated thoughts, as well as considering past experience and overall goals in regard to healing (the bigger picture), trying to come up with a logical, sensible long-term solution to the conflict that Hatchling is experiencing. An example would be, Seaturtle thinks: Hatchling is conflicted, let me have a talk with her (similar to a parent talking to their scared child) .. And she decides what best for Hatchling based on that talk. Maybe what’s best for Hatchling in this case would be to have N come over for only an hour, a predetermined amount of time.

“Yes I feel this. Although I know who I am to an extent as I wrote above, I still freeze and forget who I am”- when we freeze, we forget. True to everyone. Try to not get alarmed by what is true to everyone.

“Exactly, hearing her is where I am now. But As I wrote earlier about who I am, can I know who I am and still struggle to hear hatchling? Or do you need to fully be in-tuned and have a good relationship with hatchling to know who you are?“-

– the more in tune you are with Hatchling, the better relationship you have with her, the more you hear her=> the more you  know who you are/ the better your mental-emotional (and spiritual) health.

Very possible.

“– my understanding: hatchling has been trying so hard to gain her father’s approval by behaving in ways that would gain his approval, ways that didn’t feel true to her, or didn’t yet feel true to her (hatchling needed time and opportunities to become her true, genuine self).  “

“When I met N, I did not want to conform for someone to like me, and I was very aware of this tendency, but what if at some point I just unknowingly fell back into this pattern and tried to be what he wanted for his approval. Hm I have to think more about this idea..”-

– our initial, awareness-based, newer intents (to not conform, in this case) fizzle out/ weaken over time while old tendencies and old patterns become stronger. This is why it is very important to .. live life mindfully on a regular basis.

I wrote to you: “Whenever she succeeded in getting F’s (temporary, conditional) approval, she said to herself something like: he didn’t approve of the true me..“, and your response (at the end of your 3rd post):  “Very accurate. As I was writing this final response I felt nervous that it was going to overwhelm you with how much I have written. Please don’t feel like you need to rush to respond or to too much at once. Thank you.. Seaturtle and hatch”-

– (1) reads to me that you were afraid of losing me/ my support here.. to the overwhelm factor..? No worries, hatchling. I like you!  You are not too much for me!  (2)You are both welcome, Seaturtle and hatch!

anita