Hi Naomi,

I wish I could take away all the pain and make you feel better. I’ve had my fair share of painfully toxic relationships and I can relate to what you’re going through. I think Matt offers some really good advice and I also highly recommend Pia Mellody’s book, Facing Love Addiction. It’s super insightful and workbook exercises are included.

I just want to encourage you to be more empowering with your language. It’s obvious that you’re very self reflective, you’re well aware of your issue and your negative thought patterns, but consider using different language around how you might be able to handle this break up. Unfortunately, there’s no quick fix. You have to reach a point where you’re willing to give up your story about how you can’t get over this guy in exchange for the possibility of peace. I do this by using affirmations and I do find them to be extremely powerful and helpful. Every time my thinking goes south and i start feeling awful, I use a relevant affirmation and I work with it until my energy improves.

the world is illusory and we invent the worlds we inhabit with our thoughts and our words. So, the more you say that you can’t get over this guy because you can’t lose him… well, that’s what you’re thinking. And those thoughts are causing you a lot of pain. And I know how hard it is because you think that there is something in this guy’s world that you want, but you have to try to get that you made that thought up too. I work at this every day myself, so, I don’t want to sound callous, I’m just telling you what i’ve discovered in my own journey cos I’ve had these kinds of thoughts. It’s sorta like you gotta put the energy in to reprogram yourself. Rewire your way of thinking. I think it’s of value to read that Pia Mellody book because she gets into how these types of toxic relationships go back to our family of origin and so in that sense, take the emphasis off the guy and put the focus on healing the inner child. That’s what I do because I’m powerless over these guys that bring all this chaos into my life, but I can work on my issues so that I no loner attract these kinds of guys or that i no longer find them attractive.

Think of this tragedy as a journey of personal transformation. Even though, of course, you’re still in pain, it’s just a more empowering way of a looking at your situation. Spiritual transformation is kinda like standing in the fire of love and it’s painful. Just like the baby cries when it comes out of the womb. Think of it as if you’re breaking out of a mold. We’re all molded by our family of origin, our conditioning and it’s like that part of you is sorta dying off in this break up and since you haven’t yet reinvented yourself, you’re still clinging to the identity of the former self. The soul desires expansion and in a sense you attracted this relationship to work through something probably connected to one of your parents, but I’m making an assumption there, but that’s usually how it works. That’s how we evolve and it is painful, there’s no denying it, but I encourage you to think about it in a more empowering way to take the pressure off yourself and maybe you can begin to take little steps to move forward.

Another way to think of it is in terms of mythology, like all Greek Heroes went thru rites of passage. It’s sorta like you’re maturing. This is the painful process of how we mature and it’s a process of individuation.

I love Thich Nhat Hanh and I highly recommend this article as it is a wonderfully concise discussion on Buddhist psychology and mindfulness practice. I find Thich Nhat Hanh’s approach so genuine and pragmatic. It’s excerpted from his book, Reconciliation which has to deal with forgiving our parents and taking care of the inner child. I hope you find it helpful.
http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3660

I know how painful this is because I’ve been thru this type of hell myself, and I don’t want you to think that I’m minimizing your pain or that i don’t understand cos I do. I was very fortunate that when everything went to hell in my life that I had a couple of great mentors to guide me thru it. And i was stubborn, but my mentors didn’t tolerate my resistance. thought control… that’s the only way thru to the other side. forgiveness is really letting go of your unhealthy attachments to painful memories. Make a commitment to healing and a spiritual path which is staying centered on love and giving up the story and the meaning that you’ve put into the story. And you have to make the distinction that it’s not because of love that you can’t let go of this guy, it’s the ego believing that there’s something in keeping the story that will keep itself (the ego) alive. Keep faith!!! Miracles happen all the time!!!!

It just doesn’t matter if i think it’s good or bad. the only thing that really matters is your state of mind. I just read your post and it resonated with me because I’ve been recovering from a similar scenario and I empathize with your pain and agony. It’s all up to you. whatever you decide to put your focus on will either help you heal and transcend the limits of this toxic relationship or it will further prolong your enmeshment. As far as I can tell from my own experience with dealing with this type of pattern behavior, conditioning, is that it all comes down to our thoughts and our values. you need to get that you’re the one who is putting value into this relationship. when we have a void or a deep wound that needs attention, it’s easier to put value in things we think we’re lacking to fill that void, or to think that if we have something that we’re lacking or that looks desirable that it will add value to our lives or our sense of worth. it’s just not true. You’re already worthy, it’s an illusion or a thought your ego came up with to make you think that you’re not. It goes back to your family of origin, but this is an issue all of humanity deals with in some way or another because of our programming… again, it goes back to how we use language and how our language creates a sense of separation from our selves and others. It’s called duality in the illusory world. thinking in terms of black and white rather than seeing it as part of the whole spectrum. for example you asked me if i think it’s bad as if there is a good and a bad. it’s all the same in the illusory world. if you want to get out of the illusory world, and this might be just my opinion, but i’d encourage you to renounce all judgments and stay focused on cultivating peace in your life. and that just means to pay attention to what you’re giving value and if it doesn’t feel good, work on improving your energy, in whatever form that works for you. otherwise, there really is nothing else you can do. not doing it is merely ego resistance and of course is terrifying. the ego doesn’t want to die! but you take little steps and you see how better you feel and it’s motivation. How do you heat up a cold room? You add a heat source and little by little the warm air molecules replace the cold air molecules until the room is warm. you do the same with your thinking, renounce the judgments, the attack thoughts and the negative thoughts and replace them with words that are nurturing for you, that make you feel good. it can’t feel good to be telling yourself that you can’t let go of this guy, that’s an utterly disempowering thought. try saying, I’ll heal myself.

take 5 minutes to watch this clip. being dumped is nothing extraordinary, it happens to every body.