Dear Laelithia:

“Is it your opinion Anita that this separation with B has to do with my patterns rather than true/valid reasons to end the relationship?“-

– I think that your patterns (of rushing into a relationship before you have the time and state of mind to get to know the man as he is, placing him on a pedestal, and then trying and failing to rectify your troubled relationship with your mother by proxy of the man) are very strong. These patterns do not permit relationships to proceed healthily.

“Do you feel if I had properly healed from my childhood, it could have ended differently?“- yes, of course. A lot of things would be different if you were not stuck trying to rectify your relationship with your mother by proxy of this or that man.

I think that you still blame yourself for your mother disapproving of you and treating your younger sister so much better. I think that as a teenager, if not earlier, you were- understandably- very angry at your mother. Instead of your mother seeing that your anger was valid, and taking responsibility for mistreating you, she blamed you for being angry at her, adding to your guilt. Fast forward, after placing a man on a pedestal.. you get angry and bully him. When trying to understand the man’s behaviors over time, your initial idealization of him, followed by bullying him- needs to be considered.

“Before, my mistakes and patterns only affected me in the end. Now, they affect my daughter deeply as well. I feel I have caused her so much pain“-

– your regret for “Let(ting) a good guy go“, the title of your June 2020 thread, is an obsessive regret fueled by guilt, and now, on top of the usual guilt, you add your daughter to the mix, as in: I have let a good guy go, and my daughter is suffering for it.

In my short reply to you yesterday, I asked you to share more about B’s behavior, but it was a mistake, one perhaps that your therapist has been doing by answering your Did I Let a good guy go? question with: No, you did not let a good guy go, you let a bad/ Narcissistic guy go!

No such answer will make you feel better, not for long. It’s like scratching an itch, it may feel better for a second or two, but soon the itch (the obsessive question) returns.

Your therapy should not be about a man, it should be about your childhood (and onward) relationship with your mother. Such therapy will help you and your daughter. What matters for your daughter is to have a mentally/ emotionally healthy mother. It wouldn’t have done her any good to have two miserable parents in the home. One healthy, strong parent is good enough, and much more than many children have.

anita