Dear Seaturtle:

Dec 5: “I reminded him of the cash in the grocery story again… that this was gaslighting.’ He asked questions about what gaslighting even was and I was very precise about it“- if he didn’t know the term gaslighting before you explained it to him precisely.. he knew what it was on Dec 5, and you made it clear to him that there the cash story/ situation and was a gaslighting situation.

“He went on to gaslight me again about this situation, he said ‘it was a joke’“-  after you explained it to him, he went on to gaslight you again.

“and I said ‘no it was not. It was not. I remember it correctly and see this twisting of my reality is not okay. My life partner should not be making me doubt myself.’ He nodded at this seeming to begin to understand or at least try”- he nodded, seeming to begin to understand, or try to understand.

“I went on about how damaging the victim of being gaslit can be… I said ‘…I am telling you that the cash situation was not a joke at all, it was serious, I did not feel anxious for no reason, you were investigating me’. He shook his head no, he did not understand… he looked completely defeated, he said something along the lines of ‘I had no idea I came across that way.’ I genuinely believed him, he looked completely stunned at all that I was saying”-

– reads like he had a revelation, that he found out something he didn’t know before. Looking completely defeated and stunned in regard to the cash story & its connection to gaslighting suggests that something happened (within his crown chakra..) that would lead him to look further into what so completely defeated and stunned him.

Dec 6: “I basically brought up how he still hadn’t taken responsibility for the things I told him that hurt me like the cash situation and he literally continued on about it being a joke. He said…  he was joking pretending to be an interrogator when he asked about the cash“- nothing happened within his crown chakra and he.. gaslit you again.

It is easier to repeat a lie than it is to seek the truth. It takes way less time for person A to create a desired effect in person B by lying and repeating the lie, than it is to engage in an honest seeking of the truth.

From psychology today (in my Dec 1 post), gaslighting involves: “1. Lie … 2. Repetition. Like psychological warfare, the falsehoods are repeated.. 4. Wear Out the Victim.”

Here is the cash story/ situation from your Nov 24 post, the first time you told it. I am quoting only words uttered and acts done during that one situation. (None of what you thought and felt, none of what you think he thought and felt, none of your interpretations of what happened is included):

“We went into the grocery store… I pulled out cash from my wallet… he said ‘um where did you get all that cash?‘ I answered ‘from the offer up furniture‘.. he said ‘no that’s not all where it came from where did it come from?‘ … I said ‘I don’t remember‘ he said ‘that’s suspicious you never have money and now you just have cash?‘…  I responded ‘I am not going to tell you, you are asking me with so much distrust, you cannot demand that from me, you can just trust me.‘… He asked if anything was wrong and I was like ‘yea I don’t like how you are talking to me, accusing me of doing something shady, asking me questions like I am untrustworthy‘… he then said ‘you never have money and now you do and me asking makes me an a**hole? You know what, f**k you.’… We didn’t speak the rest of the drive”.

I am not an expert on humor and jokes and yet, I am confident that there was absolutely no humor and no jokes in that situation.

But if he repeats that the above was a joke.. If you give him more time in your life to repeat the lie.. you are likely to believe it more and more, being worn down by the persistence and repetition of the lie.

Dec 7 (I will be reading and replying to one sentence before reading the next): “I want to stop worrying about how he is feeling but I am not quite sure how”- first, understand that how he appears to be feeling is not how he feels. For example, in the above- he nodded, appearing to understand or try to understand, but he didn’t; he appeared defeated and stunned but he was not.

“I just find myself wanting to know if he’s ok and how he feels when he sees things that remind him of me like the engravings on his wallet I made or the screensaver on his phone”- you are projecting what you feel into him. If the two of you were similar, such a projection would likely be quite accurate, but the two of you are too different for your projection to be accurate.

You kept explaining to him how his words made you feel, assuming that he cared about how you feel, but “He said ‘words don’t mean sh*t, get that through your head” (Nov 24)- your words too are included in “words”. Your words about how you feel. don’t mean sh*t to him.

* (Dec 5): “1-How will you change to better the relationship: He started, he said he was going to start taking better care of himself, his home cleanliness and eating habits”- did you notice that you were not in his answer. You being in the answer would be, for example, answering: the two of us should take better care of ourselves in these ways…, or  I need to take better care of you by talking about things you care about, like spirituality.

Back to Dec 7:  “Instead I want to change my mindset to making sure that I am ok and not denying myself, letting hatchling know I did this for her and don’t regret it”-

– hatchling needs to be held and hugged and made to feel safe. It is Seaturtle’s job to see to it that hatchling is not being held and hugged by just anyone, so that she doesn’t get hurt. Seaturtle needs to evaluate: who is this person.. what is he about?

“I dreamt all night of him, not in a bad way it was vague and as if we met again in the future under different circumstances, it didn’t feel heavy it was honestly comforting“-

– If the two of you met under different circumstances, it’d still be him under those different circumstances. And what does being him means?

The answer, the true answer .. is not going to be comforting to you. What has been comforting to you so far has been believing that he is very different from who he truly is.

In your very first post (July 29), you asked: “Is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ??????????????”-   in boldface here is the comforting answer to the question: who is N?

“I don’t think we are soulmates. But we are very in love, I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time but they keep coming back to me… I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now” (July 29)-

– the true answer to who is N? is in the above quote: the two of you are too different to be soulmates. His dishonesty makes it impossible for him to be anyone’s soulmate. You’ve been in love with him for too long, and so, you’ve been motivated to see him positively, in a way that would comfort you.. (not the way he truly is).

“We met on Tinder, he was late for the first date, but I didn’t mind.. since it’s not like he knew who he was being late for, lol, my logic anyways” (4th sentence, July 29)-

– Do you know who you’ve been on time for in the last couple of years?

anita