Dear Stacy:

Good to read back from you this Monday morning. You shared that you went to your ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) medical appointment, where the doctor concluded that the lump in your throat is an inflamed lymph node due to a skin condition on your scalp: “He thinks it’s yet another autoimmune issue that has manifested as a skin condition, basically. Very relevant to what you and I were discussing months ago“.

You recently received Medicaid (a U.S. federal program that provides health insurance for people with limited income and financial resources), you are on a waiting list for counseling, and when the ENT doctor saw that you had Medicaid, he scheduled you for an ultrasound on your neck and referred you to a dermatologist: “It’s been life-changing to have some financial assistance in just the few days I’ve had it“.

In the last few days, you ‘ve been grappling with a decision that you need to make: to accept a full time position (with no promotion and no increase in hourly salary), and lose you recently received, life-changing Medicaid, or reject the offer and keep your Medicaid-

– if I was you, Stacy, I’d reject the full time job and keep my Medicaid because your physical and mental health depends on it.

It will be your 32 birthday in five days (I will selectively add the boldface feature to this quote): “This time last year I was celebrating my birthday with him… You mentioned in your post about me being chosen over other girls and how special that made me feel, and how much losing that affected me. That’s the biggest thing I’m dealing with… I creeped on his profile the other night and he posted an Instagram Story.. (about) a place we were planning on going… I cannot shake how this summer every single person in my life relayed the same feedback to me about how I was affecting them… almost word for word the same… My best friend who admitted to having to ghost me for her mental health is still not back in the picture…  I know I have a tendency to go overboard with my processing and rumination.”-

– I think that you being on the waiting list for counseling is very good news and I hope that you receive quality counseling soon. I hope that in counseling, you will unearth your I-am-not-special core belief, examine it, challenge it and resolve it. Once resolved, your ex will no longer have the place in your mind and life that he’s had for so long. You will no longer follow his social media activity, ruminate about him and verbalizing your rumination to friends, and in doing so, negatively affect them.

From well being. com/Find out how to shift the negative core beliefs that stem from childhood (summary and quotes, I will be selectively adding the boldface feature to the quotes):

As young children, we each learn such things as a chair is something you sit on, and a bus is something that takes you to school. We also learn who we are through the direct and indirect messages we receive from our caretakers. A highly critical parent, for example, sends the child the message: you are never good enough, and as a result, just like the child learned that a chair is something you sit on, the child learns: I am something or someone that is never good enough for anyone.

“Imagine being covered by a large filter so that part of your immediate experience is completely blocked from your awareness while other parts are exaggerated or highlighted by the filter…  If a parent.. constantly criticised you, as a child you didn’t have the cognitive capacity to think, ‘Daddy is projecting his unresolved issues onto me.’ Instead, in your longing for unconditional love, you interpreted this as ‘I am not enough for Daddy to love’ or ‘Clearly, there is something wrong with me.’ This is a false distorted view of yourself, which lives on in you and filters your experience as you grow up… You may have felt ‘different’, isolated and as though you didn’t belong growing up. You have a belief you are socially undesirable“.

Your focus on your ex and rumination about him is a part of you (like it says in the boldfaced quote above) that is “exaggerated or highlighted by the filter“. In your case, your core belief (based mostly on the messages you received as a child) that you are not special, and that you are socially, physically (and sexually) undesirable/ unchosen negatively filters your adult experience of life, leading to the exaggerated and highlighted place that your ex has in your mind and life.

Back to the online source: “To remove the negative filters from your life… you first need to clearly identify them and understand where they have come from in your childhood. Recognise that these core beliefs are false assumptions you made through no fault of your own growing up. Next, try to use evidence to disprove your negative belief or, even better, process the underlying pain associated with the core belief…”.

You wrote today: “I do think me journaling here has helped me“- you are welcome to journal here, on your thread, anytime and at any length, please do.

anita