Dear Anita,

This morning is the hardest one yet. I have not read your posts yet and will do after. I was able to go to work wednesday but yesterday and today developed a bad cough and so I have been home. Very stressed about my paycheck being too low for rent from missing these days sick but my voice is barely working.

Last night I missed my friend N, (please don’t roll your eyes, I already don’t feel like I can talk to my roommate about it because of what she said last time I missed him, honestly the air has been tense between us since and I feel judged by her). Anita I just want to crawl into a cave. I feel like I don’t know what is right or wrong right now and last night all I could think about was how cold the breakup was. The good memories we had together flooded my mind and I miss them, and I started to feel like I did break up with him coldly and not honoring the good.

Please don’t take this offensively Anita, but I just want to be honest because I need to be. Last night as I was questioning how things ended and wondering if it we could have made it work, if it is what I deserved in a partner, I thought about how the breakup happened. The two main events of the cash and n-word were the final straws, and I do still believe valid reasons, and yes I was mentally stressed trying not to break up with him for a year which is all enough to do so and I don’t regret it. But you have helped me see all these things and I started to wonder what is in this for you? I am just curious about you Anita, right now you are someone on the other line of these messages, who also helps other people on this thread daily, a very time consuming activity. What gives you the grace and wisdom to help all of us?

Anyways back to why it is a hard morning for me, despite the hard times with N, if I was ever sick or really upset he would come over to comfort me. He was good at ignoring problems and just going and having fun. I miss the comfort and fun. I know that the other things in the relationship needed to end but I feel sad this morning and miss the comfort and fun he brought me, he was always someone a phone call away from coming to give me a hug (reminds me of when you said to hug myself, so I just did). I am really trying my best here but I am sad and don’t know what is next for me. My finances are playing into my stress as well, my job has not made what I was told it would, I had a job interview this week the day after I got covid…so I had to reschedule for monday. I am sad because I had a whole plan this week to do my yoga, work extra days to make up for what I will miss for christmas, tonight is a birthday party with the play cast I was apart of, that now I don’t think I can go to coughing this way. I just had this while breakup planned healthy and I got knee injured and sick, I feel stuck. I keep trying to remind myself that things happen for me, not to me, it is just hard to see the light from where I am standing.

Seaturtle