Dear Adrienne:

You shared that you met a man on an online dating app back in Sept 2022, “There were times when he would cancel the date at the last minute, won’t answer my calls, would only communicate to me during weekdays“.

In March 2023, you found out that he has kid (or kids) and a partner. Devastated, you “blocked him and also told his partner that he’s fooling around. I asked him why he lied to me and he said that he’s no longer happy with the partner and only staying for the kid“.

By early April 2023: “I was so in love with him I thought I was going to die so.. I messaged him and offered something that I never thought I would do. I offered to be his mistress“.

By mid August:  “After a lovely dinner with him, I had an epiphany. I can’t keep on living like this. I had no peace of mind. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t stop thinking about him cheating on me… I took the courage to leave him and had Sept 30 as my deadline“.

About Sept 23: “I broke up with him…  I just couldn’t do it anymore“.

About Sept 23-Oct 13: “he kept on messaging me, wanting me back“.

Oct 13: “I met him again… and he cried. It was the first time I saw him cry. But I was firm and said that we can’t be together anymore“.

About Oct 27: “He insisted to come to my house and he came and we talked. And he wants to see me and get back together. We kept on communicating but not seeing each other“.

Late October: “I gave him an ultimatum by late October to early November that if he really wants me back, he has to break up with the woman and he has to make arrangements on how he will still see his kid. He said what I was asking is impossible“.

November 13, 2023: “was the last time I saw him. He still messages me from time to time, but I don’t entertain or rarely reply… I’m firm now with my decision that we will not get back together, like ever. But I’m finding it hard to move on“-

– First, congratulations for ending your relationship with him and remaining firm in your decision, good job!

“I have a lot of questions about my present and future though. 1. How do I forgive myself for being a mistress? I never imagined that I would enter an arrangement like this“- guilt, when it’s valid, has a purpose: to motivate the wrongdoer to correct the wrong behavior. You corrected your wrong behavior when you broke up with him and remained firm in your decision to not resume the relationship. The correction has been done: guilt has delivered its purpose. Further guilt is about you suffering for no purpose. Nothing positive can come out of your suffering: nothing positive for you or for anyone else.

“2. How do I ask forgiveness to the woman and the kid?“- tell her (the mother, not the kid) what you did wrong. I’d do it via email first and then meet her in-person if she wants that. I’d ask for her forgiveness and ask (or offer) what you can do to make amends for the wrong that you did.

“3. How do I remove the love I still feel for him?“- Don’t fight your feelings, reject or try to expel your feeling of love for him. Instead, accept it for what it is.

“4. How do I remove the hope in my heart and mind that we can have a normal, stable relationship?“- my answer is the same as above: accept the feeling of hope and.. live with it with as much peace of mind and heart as is possible for you.

“5. Will I find a man who will love me and accept me despite my past? When someday I meet a man and we’re serious to be together, I want to have no secrets with him so I’m planning to tell this story to him“- your experience with self-forgiveness will make you a better partner (a forgiving partner) to a future man because he too most likely has done wrong in his past and needs forgiveness.

“6. Will I ever recover and move on?“- I hope you do and I think that you can.

“Now that I’m free and single, I want to focus everything on myself. I want to give the love and care that I have for him to myself…  I hope that once I find the love within myself, I’ll find the love I truly wanted – honest, respectful, trustworthy kind of love“- reads like an excellent goal, plan and state of mind.

“I’m posting it here because no one knows my situation. I have no friends or family who knows this side of me. I’m very alone in this process of moving on that’s why it’s a lot more difficult. Please understand and be kind to me. Thank you.“-

– You are welcome. You are no longer alone in your process of moving on: I am here (a real person behind these typed words) and will be glad to accompany you along your process, a process that you are courageously taking on!

In an hour or so, I will be away from the computer for the rest of the day, but whenever I am back and read a new post from you, I will gladly reply.

anita