Dear Nala1234:

You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation!

“As for the guilt trips with my family – my plan is to try and recognize when they are happening“- if you list, as part of your preparation, what your family members (and what family member: father, mother, who else?) said in the past that was guilt tripping, or what were their first words in this or that guilt trip, it can help you to recognize a beginning guilt trip once you are there.

And then, prepare your response to different possibilities of beginning-guilt trips during your visit.

“and in a polite way share with them how it is making me feel“- if you do it around the dinner table, let’s say, where a few guilt tripping family members sit together, it may be a situation where they will gang up on you, telling you that you are imagining things or what not?

Or if at the dinner table there is a family member who was also a victim of guilt tripping, that member may support you or join you in saying how it made him/ her feel?

“This will be very hard for me but it is my goal to communicate my feelings with my family more and hope that they respond well“-

– (1) I think that you have a better chance of success (a guilt-tripper responding well and sincerely) if you talk to him or her one-to-one vs in a group setting. (2) They (he/ she) may deny that they guilt tripped you, or make light of it. In that case, it’d be helpful if you prepare a response before your visit, and insert some assertion there/ strength on top of the politeness.

– those who guilt tripped you (and others) on a regular basis for years, maybe, as far as guilt tripping others, since before you were born, are not likely to respond well, particularly if it’s not something they ever considered to be a problem.

“If they don’t, I’m not sure what my plan will be but I know I need to hold firm in setting the boundaries I need“- figure ahead of time what would be a well-enough response on their part and how you’d respond to it, and what will not be a good response and how you’d respond to that.

Maybe the following will help you: psychology today. com/ the high price of parental guilt trips. It includes: “Even a long-standing use of guilt to drive a relationship can be reversed. Parents and adult children each have a part to play in breaking the cycle. Adult children can: * Notice when guilt is used and what feelings arise…* Set boundaries….. Parents can:.. * Acknowledge past use of guilt… Clearly communicate wants and needs… Accept feedback… Respect boundaries: If a child says no to a particular outing, respond maturely to their decision….Find new ways to connect..”.

In my case, my mother heavily guilt tripped me on a regular basis. I don’t remember a guilt-free life. It is only recently that I finally feel guilt free in regard to my mother. So much of my life (decades) has been wasted in guilt that was inflicted on me, guilt that was not called for. In my case, her guilt tripping me was part of her general coercive “parenting” which included (in my case) physical aggression (hitting me with her hands), heavily shaming me (hitting me with words and going out of her way to do so effectively) and guilt tripping me- all for the purpose of relieving herself from stress and feeling (temporarily) better, at my expense. So.. our stories are not the same, I am sure.

“Wish me luck!“- I do wish you luck and please feel free to post here anytime, before, during and after your visit and I’ll be glad to read and reply to you.

anita