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anitaDear Stacy:
I intended but forgot to wish you a Happy Birthday five days ago, Happy Belated Birthday! I remember that when I turned 32 I thought I was old. But then, I was old when it comes to how I often felt: hopeless, aimless, guilty, tired… old.
You shared that you chose to accept the full time job, and that you can change your mind “if it ends up being a huge mistake in the future“, that the ultrasound for the lump on the right side of your neck came back negative for anything concerning, however, a few days later, you noticed an even bigger lump on the left side of my neck, you freaked out and called your doctor. You then happened to read online about a woman who had a mild heart attack because of her emotional reaction to her breakup, and you (about 7 hours ago when you typed your post, at about 2 or 3 am) were freaking out about your panic attacks resulting in a serious medical situation.
You shared that you believe that people (including your ex) have to remove themselves from you because you are “too much for people“, too “neurotic and scared.. all the time“, that people get “annoyed and frustrated” with you because you are too much, and that when you mentioned to your ex a future with him, “he cringed his face in so much discomfort“.
My input: there is a category of Cognitive Distortions called Magnification and Minimization. In the above alone, you exaggerated the magnitude of the possibility that choosing the full time job is a mistake, calling it a HUGE mistake. You exaggerated the frequency of you being neurotic and scared to the that of ALL THE TIME. And I guess that you exaggerated the extent of the discomfort that registered in your ex’s face to be that of SO MUCH.
Look at the title you chose for your thread back on Sept 6: “EXTREMELY painful breakup and confusion”.
From psychology tools. com: “Magnification and minimization is a cognitive distortion in which people exaggerate certain aspects of themselves, other people, or a situation while simultaneously downplaying others. This typically involves magnifying negative elements (e.g., the mistakes they have made) while minimizing positive aspects (e.g., successes or achievements)… It’s like looking at things through a set of binoculars. From one end, your problems seem much bigger and more terrifying. But if you look through the opposite end, your positive qualities look small and insignificant…
“Magnification and minimization is often linked to an ‘inexact labeling’ of events. For example, a client might state that they were attacked by their partner for missing an important date, but in reality, this ‘attack’ might refer to a displeased remark or expression.
“This distortion also overlaps with (the) concept of ‘awfulization‘, wherein the client believes that ‘a bad, unfortunate, or inconvenient circumstance is more than bad, it is the worst it could be – 100% rotten’…
“In other words, magnification often involves exaggerating the unpleasantness of a situation while minimizing actual or potential positive elements.
“The content of magnification and minimization tends to vary depending on the difficulty an individual is experiencing. In depression, it is likely to manifest as underestimating one’s achievements or abilities, while inflating one’s flaws or problems (i.e., negative magnification).. The opposite is true of bipolar disorder: here, individuals are likely to exaggerate their abilities and optimistic expectations (i.e., positive magnification) while minimizing the obstacles they will encounter..
“Magnification and minimization are also apparent in anxiety disorders, contributing to the sense of vulnerability underlying these difficulties.. Anxious individuals tend to magnify the threats they are facing while simultaneously minimizing their personal resources and ability to cope…
“Many treatment techniques can be used to address magnification and minimization, including: * Decentering… describes the ability to stand back and view a thought as.. an opinion, and not necessarily a fact.. * Cognitive restructuring with thought records. Self-monitoring can be used to capture and re-evaluate magnification and minimization as it occurs. Useful prompts include: ‘If you took the ‘magnifying and minimizing’ glasses off, how would you see this differently?’… ‘Are there good things that you might be minimizing right now? What positives are you dismissing or discounting?’, ‘What evidence makes you think this thought is true? What evidence makes you think this thought is not completely true? What would be a more balanced way of seeing this situation?’… ‘“Imagine putting this thought on trial. Would an objective jury agree it is 100% true? Why not?’…
* Acknowledging the good and bad. Magnification involves selectively attending to and exaggerating the negative aspects of situations while downplaying the positives. Help the client overcome this bias by identifying both the good and bad aspects of events…….
“* Positive data logging. Starting a daily log of positive experiences can help clients overcome habitual minimization. Depending on what the client tends to minimize, positive data logs can focus on recognizing personal strengths, positive actions by themselves or others, or other positive events. Note that the client is likely to find this task challenging, so practicing in the session beforehand is often essential….”.
Back to your today’s post, your last sentence is: “I’m getting super concerned with myself that I’m not progressing AT ALL with this. It will be 4 months on Christmas since the breakup.”- there’s the exaggeration (boldfaced).
Overall, in the past, you negatively exaggerated yourself and you positively exaggerated your ex and his parents, for example: “I have never been chosen or wanted by a guy who I find attractive and impressive. Not until this guy… he was super impressive…this guy from this impressive upbringing and who has had a really impressive life with a ton of experiences with travel and other people, who claims to love me so much thinks I’M impressive? Then I’ve won” (Sept 11).
Personally, from what you shared about him, I am not impressed with him. On the other hand, I am impressed with your intelligence, with how well you use the English language to express yourself.. you sound very educated and kind.. You have significant Positives that you’ve been Minimizing while greatly Magnifying his positives, or alleged positives.
anita
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