Dear Seaturtle:

You are welcome.. and thank you for growing, the world is a better place because you are!

As a response to my suggestion that a lifetime with N could have been a bad trip, you wrote: “When I read this it was scary because it feels true“.

* “I will be very intentional when I try out a Buddhist community, is there a specific reason it would be more beneficial with an open crown chakra?“-

– From Wikipedia/ Buddhism and violence: “Buddhist scripture condemns violence in every form. Ahimsa, a term meaning ‘not to injure‘, is a primary virtue in Buddhism. However, Buddhists have historically used scriptures to justify violence or form exceptions to commit violence for various reasons. As found in other religious traditions, Buddhism has an extensive history of violence dating back to its inception”. The entry has a long list of examples from various countries.

From The New York Times/Why are we surprised when Buddhists are Violent? (March 2018): “Most adherents of the world’s religions claim that their traditions place a premium on virtues like love, compassion and forgiveness, and that the state toward which they aim is one of universal peace. History has shown us, however, that religious traditions are human affairs, and that no matter how noble they may be in their aspirations, they display a full range of both human virtues and human failings.

– We tend to interpret our parents’ behaviors (particularly misbehaviors) in the best possible light, so to see the best (or the least-worst) in them. Maybe he is not selfish and unaware, but selfish, aware that he is selfish and.. okay with it. His explanation that he was under the impression that you were free only in the morning reads like something he came up with after your conformation, so to (retroactively) excuse why he didn’t keep his word to you, or why he misled you (?)

“I told him about my financial issues and he gave me the money I needed for rent and a medical bill, as a gift! with no payment plan back, he has never given without those strings before.“- I am glad to read this!

“I have had several dreams about N, and in every one we try to be friends and it always left me with some sort of negativity, I think my dreams are telling me something“- I am kind-of telling you the same.

“And you are right that I cannot change what is happening in his family“- remember this fact.

“What do you mean by hope can reawaken?“-

– I was referring to what you wrote on Dec 19: “I am no longer ‘in-love’ with him. I gave up hope that he is the right partner for me”. You gave up that hope and fell out of love with him; if you regain that hope.. you may fall back in-love with him.

“When the voice of doubt, of my decision to leave N, comes I am able to reason it away every time. I either think of what I do wish for in a partner that was not in N, or I think about those moments N shut down my feelings or attempts to bond with him deeper. One of these voices of doubt is that N will self actualize and become the man I needed him to be.. is this what you mean by hope can reawaken?”-

– yes, I meant the hope (like I wrote above before reading this part) that he will be the right partner for you.. once he actualizes himself, if he does, which is unlikely because most people don’t change core beliefs and MO-s (habitual ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving) as adults.

“Well back at you because this made me smile for the first time today and I have been awake a few hours!“- back at you again (smile, Sun 9:30 am)

“Does a woman like this exist? is this who N will find as his partner?“, you asked regarding a woman with only one chakra, or main chakra, being the sacral chakra- no, I don’t think so. But there are women who will be okay with a superficial relationship, or women who will compromise their deeper needs.

“My trip home so far has certainly made me feel things that I did not predict… First, feeling sad/disappointed he was not at the gate at the airport, this feeling surprised me, but thankfully I was distracted… there is just a lonely feeling associated without him… wishing N was here to experience the joy”- it’s normal/ natural to miss a person you became emotionally attached to.

“I will create a new email address for this platform to be extra safe, I will likely get to it after this trip if that is ok with you”- it’s absolutely fine.

“I wonder how you liked the song/music video?”- listening/ watching it: first, I love the ocean! Her sitting on the shore, on the sand, close to the water makes me think of the sea turtle video I watched such a long time ago. It makes me think of you, a sea turtle in red holding a yellow flower..(I wonder if you look like her, dark hair and eyes.. and so majestic). Now the video is becoming even more beautiful: her dance moves, inspiring, makes me think of you growing and actualizing yourself, becoming more..

She is reaching her hands up to the sky… The music is lovely. The words: “..once you told me/ If something’s missing in me/ To go and find it in you“- you wanted to find it in N, a deeper connection, one where he’d SEE you and the missing part of you… but he refused.

“Merry Christmas!“- and  M e R R Y     C H R i S T M a S   to you, seaturtle!

anita