Dear Anita,

Thank you for giving me what was left of your energy in your reply yesterday 🙂 Although I didn’t get to replying again I read it and it gave me a much appreciated boost yesterday!

When I asked you about your stance on chakras you said “- you brought them up and although I have read about them before and rejected what I read, you had this effect on me that I wanted to be open-minded and revisit the topic without prejudgment.”

-As far as chakras go, personally I am not sure whether they are physically real or more of a metaphor that helps us to understand our multi-faceted human selves. I am curious enough about them to discuss it, I don’t want to get too abstract though, because ironically my aura color, an abstract concept, says I am likely to be abstract and need to practice grounding, which feels true to me. I feel like what I just said was confusing but where I am coming from is that I don’t want you to only speak in terms of chakras for me, because I understand your skepticism and I feel the same way.

“– the two of you united against a common, 3rd party/ outside obstacle. Without an outside obstacle to unite you, the inner obstacles (his Teflon MO vs your open crown chakra) come into play. It is similar to a nation at war: citizens who were divided during peace-time get temporarily united during war.”

-wow this is so very true Anita! I remember feeling this way, that if we were in end times of war, or going through some natural disaster, that N would be the perfect partner. It is almost like if there was something that could pull all his attention away from work and money, an adventure that we were both on, that we would bond the way I wanted to with him so badly. Which is why when we were hiking/skiing/camping, even getting trapped on that roadtrip, we bonded. What is also interesting is he would tell me that the way he felt bonded to people was when they could accomplish something together. He would say he didn’t find conversation to be a bonding activity, he wanted to do or build something together. I can agree that accomplishing a task together is bonding, but I needed him to be able to get there with me through conversation but he was incapable. The funny thing is I recently thought of this, if we entered war times I would really want him by my side… I think? He is a good partner to have in survival mode, but not much further up Maslow’s pyramid.

“I wrote above temporarily united. When the outside obstacle relaxes, the pre-existing conflict and turmoil resume.”

-Exactly. Why is he only able to bond in obstacles? What is also interesting is I began to feel like he wanted these obstacles to happen… So he would put us in risky situations! wow.. like the roadtrip that bonded us, his truck broke down before the trip and on a whim he took his dads farm truck, a truck only used on the property for years, it hadn’t received proper maintenance, the transmission falling out was not a shock to him.. but we dealt with the challenge. I am good in challenges as well, I have a part of me that gets into hyper drive and I am ready to do what I have to, and he liked this part of me. And the shroom experience, he was careless with the amount because it’s almost like he just welcomes the obstacles. I literally felt like he would take the hard way out of things for this reason and it is why I stopped trusting him with my heart a while ago. His desire for conflict and fighting together made him take my desires less seriously because they seemed pointless to him.. For example my desire to just sit and have deep intelligent and intimate conversation, he thought it was pointless, he would rather be faced with danger together.. Which! is interesting because I feel like if you are dealing with issues in survival mode, you can’t also be self actualizing and evolving. Wow I am putting things into words right now that I have felt a long time. Ironically I was fearful that, or sensed correctly that he thought I was lazy, because I liked to sit in silence a lot, I needed this time to be introspective and he did not understand why I wasn’t just working for money in survival mode like he felt he had to. I felt he began to resent me for not being in survival mode with him, in fact he even told me before that he felt like he was stuck in survival mode for us and I was living in a “la la land”thinking that I didn’t need to, that I left him there while I was climbing the pyramid (Maslows hierarchy or needs). This is why I got the feeling that he was holding me back.. because he was trying to. He literally made me doubt myself so much! He made me doubt my process of introspection and self actualizing but questioning my methods so often, telling me that I should be in survival mode too, blaming me that he had to be there for us.. but it was never for us it was for him. Because ironically! he thought I was taking “the easy way out” the lazy way of sitting in silence, feeling and introspecting, when really it is much easier to live in survival mode, easier mentally. I have taken the mentally challenging route that looked “easy” and this is where he didn’t SEE me! I so desperately wanted him to see that I was working hard too, all this internal work that I was doing, and him saying “you worry about things that don’t matter” literally was him telling me he did not see me. A message, my higher self was trying to tell me for way long before that came out of his mouth just a couple months ago. He made me doubt myself because he couldn’t see it, the same thing that F did to me for so long. This year I want to believe in myself and grow my self esteem. I can’t believe I was in a relationship that was harming me in that way, again, and this time by choice. What was so confusing though is on the outside, N would tell me that he believed in me and I believed his words, then when I would tell him I didn’t feel like he believed in me he would gaslight me into thinking I just lacked confidence….. He made me believe he believed in me and I didn’t, I was the problem. I am so happy I got out of there.

Anita, I am excited for you to read this very important post where I was able to put so many thoughts and feelings that I have had over the past two years, into words.

Vibrating Seaturtle