Hi Anita

Thank you for your explanation and perspective on why you don’t think I’m a toxic person. I get very in my head about stuff.

“Often, a child who is really rejected by a critical parent grows up into an adult who assumes (projects) that others are also rejecting him or her when it’s not the case.” — Also, I feel that my new rejection wounds are from men who leave me after expressing my concerns. And men who reassure me for an extended period of time and then leave me after trust was built. I didn’t have such activated rejection fears yet in my first relationship.

“When people in your family who have mistreated you accuse you of being too sensitive and overblowing situations, that’s further mistreatment on their part, mistreatment on top of mistreatment. It is sad when your perspective really doesn’t even matter in your own home.” — I’m not trying to be difficult here; I’m sincerely trying to have something click for me. How can I say that I have been treated unfairly from people saying I’m too sensitive and overblow situations when I actually DO overblow situations and react very sensitively to things? I guess I am thinking black and white here. If I’m the problem, I don’t feel I have the right to say I’m being mistreated or “deserve” a better partner.

“On the other hand, when you inaccurately project being mistreated by others, for example, taking it personally that he liked bikini photos,  as if those likes indicate that he feels that you are not attractive, and expressing that he was a bad, guilty person for liking those photos, that’s having a chip on your shoulders, I suppose.” — But he admitted that he was lusting after those photos and losing interest in me in the process due to that and the distance and other things he wouldn’t elaborate on. How do I not take that personally? It’s like I feel that I don’t have the right to say I was mistreated because I sabotaged and overblew the situation, but yet my pain feels warranted when I remember he admitted to what I was fearing over his actions. I’m not trying to argue with you, or with any of these points. Again, I’m trying SO hard for this to click with me because I feel this is THE biggest mental block that is keeping me from moving forward.

To answer your last question: NYE was very hard even though I worked all day. The past couple of days have been rough too from the usual rumination. I had another nightmare about him this morning. I hope your holiday was nice and you’ve had a good start to the new year!