Hi, Anita,

I am absolutely blown away by the depth of your response, and very thankful! Thank you for joining me in this exploration.

You ask about how my hurt, angry, demanding side shows in my adult friendships.  That is a fair question, and I’m not sure.  As far as all outward, typical things one might see (yelling, blame, destructive behavior, etc), none of those things happen.  If my mood or inner thoughts aren’t “fit for public consumption”, I stay home until they are. I go to bed, I work on some exercises to challenge myself to a more healthy mindset.  Much of what could be residual untamed side plays out internally in my head, through negative self- thoughts, and I’ve worked hard over the years to keep that to myself.  When I was a young adult (20’s) I was more external- I would yell, be dramatic with others, etc.  Haven’t acted out in that way in many years.  For example- work has been very stressful and one day I was invited to dinner with a small group, and I declined, just saying “thanks for the invite but it’s been a hell of a day and I’m staying in. Have a blast,  I’ll catch you next time”.  and they did, and I stayed home that night and allowed myself my negative self-thoughts and went to bed early, I felt better when I woke up and put my work resiliency back on, and I did join them next time.

I went through a good bout of therapy a while ago and during that time and since have been working on something my therapist called healing my inner child.  Having my adult self  ‘save and care for’ my inner child, so as to not be seeking that externally.  I’m proud of the work I’ve done and generally feel a whole lot healthier as a person.  I’ve come to understand that this idea sold in the movies of “found family” is much a myth, and have built much more realistic expectations around my relationships these past years.  Yet I still find that at about the 6-7 year range, my friendships fail.

In most recent situations, I’ve let it go externally, keeping peace, but I am still internally aware that this isn’t the life I’m wanting.  With the friend who gradually distanced, I asked a couple of times, pointed out I was noticing changes, and the answer was that nothing was different, even though there were clear definable changes.   I accepted that I would not have an answer and that continuing that line of questioning would end poorly, and now we say hi in public and buy each other’s children’s fundraiser items and she will reference stuff she sees on my social media and call me by the old nickname she gave me and that’s it.  There’s no big blow up- just a clear understanding on my part that something changed she wasn’t comfortable sharing or working through with me and that’s that.  It’s confusing and uncomfortable for me but it is what it is.  In the other recent instance, when my friend expressed her thoughts that I was insinuating she wasn’t good enough, I tried to communicate clearly and supportively that my wish for more consistent communication was just that, a wish, born out of both a concern for her wellbeing and our recent situation where lack of communication almost led to missing a trip she really wanted to take (that she would have been mad at me for).  I saw it in the same vein as when she mentioned her wish that we lived closer to one another (that I can’t do anything about at this time)- us identifying things we would like or wish could or would happen, but not deal breakers if they can’t happen.  We did not see it the same way.

I continue to work hard on healing myself as a person.  I’ve noticed a lot of positive change, especially reflecting on where I was when last I asked for feedback here.  From my point of view, I do worry that I have these relationships that are important to me and in order to keep them I need to keep my mouth shut if I have any wants or needs, and that doesn’t feel the greatest.  I am assessing for appropriateness for what I keep internal and what I share, and I’m communicating fairly compassionately and clearly.

So what I have to wonder is this: I’ve grown up with this experience of love and belonging as only a factor of what I can give/provide/achieve/ reflect, and I’m still and likely always seeking a different, more whole kind of love, even if I don’t conciously act out that need- is it possible for me to have more lifelong connections?   And what steps can I take if I’m not sure where to go next?   And I can honestly say I enjoy my own time and space in a way I certainly didn’t back then.  But I still desire to have more than just acquaintance relationships in my life, and I want to keep the friends I have (maybe even make new ones!). I’ve watched friends and acquaintances isolate themselves and I definitely do not want to do that to myself.

Thank you so much for your thoughts surrounding this!